Swanzey, NH – Each year the southern New Hampshire town of Swanzey hosts the beloved Cheshire Fair. Now in its 80th year, the Fair hosts everything from amusement park rides to 4H competitions, oxen pulls to monster trucks. In other words, it captivates Central New England rednecks, the same way that sweet tea seems to entice sexual predators on Dateline.
And between the manure filled stadium and the nausea-inducing Scrambler ride from 1971, just to the left of funnel cake and Italian sausage vendors, lies a series of privately-owned exhibits from local vendors and artisans. Note: if you get to the “shoot water into the clown’s mouth to blow up a balloon the fastest” game, you went too far. But whether you want homemade crafts, hand-made beef jerky or unique vegetable relishes, you can find exactly what you’re looking for at the fair. Perhaps your children might want to get their faces painted. Maybe you want to get your palm read. Or perhaps you want to want to swap auto parts and accessories. Whatever it is, you can find it there.
And, as with other county fairs located across the United States, one of the time-honored traditions of the Chesire Fair is a competition to determine which exhibit was most enjoyed by the attendees. Voted upon, it provides a great way for small business owners and craftsmen to draw attention to the goods and services that they offer.
But a local Jeep dealership bit off more than they could chew when they decided to participate in last year’s exhibitions, represented by the winner of their “Customer Loyalty Sweepstakes.” That winner, selected among 17 self-proclaimed “Jeep Enthusiasts,” would receive the supposed honor of manning the dealership’s exhibit booth, answering all kinds of questions about Jeep brand products, and helping to generate excitement over the dealerships’ current (and incoming) inventory. The only expectation was that he’d also be prepared to discuss the rest of the dealerships Chrysler, Dodge and RAM inventory.
The winner, who chose to retain his anonymity, decided to present himself under the (rather uninspired) pseudonym, “Jeep Guy.” In fact, the man’s appearance, with his baseball ‘Seven Slot Sluts’ hat, bushy beard and baggy flannel led to some speculation as to his identity. According to bystanders, some believed that he might be a poorly-disguised criminal on-the-run. Others thought it might be food-enthuaist Guy Fieri on the hunt for the best funnel cake in southern NH. But whoever this “Jeep Guy” was, he clearly wasn’t ready for the onslaught of questions from an enthusiastic crowd
“Basically,” explains tractor-pull enthusiast Lisa Marie Rastley, “He was just yelling at people. I saw a six-year boy approach the booth, excited to ask about the Dodge Challenger SRT Demon. This Jeep guy just crouched down, stared the little kid in the eyes and just kept saying, ‘Jeep.’ Over and over again, ‘Jeep, Jeep, Jeep.’ That’s all he would say, and the kid just ran away crying!”
Apparently, this was just the beginning. Proceeding to scream “Jeep” at the top of the lungs, he would only differentiate his rantings by yelling out such phrases as ‘Yasssss’, ‘Yassss Queen’, and refuse to answer any other questions, unless they were about Jeeps (or at least implied that Jeeps were ‘Da Best’).
In fact, one attendee, Zach Billings (President of the Anti-Jeep League of Southern New Hampshire Jews) approached ‘Jeep Guy’ with the specific goal of engaging him in fierce debate. By all accounts, the scene was ‘not pretty’ and erupted in a huge physical altercation between the two young men.
Dave Barker watched the entire fight unfold, “It was an interesting match-up. That Billings guy certain had the reach advantage. If he could keep ‘Jeep Guy’ outside, he’d be fine. But Jeep Guy was like a short tittle wolverine. If he got inside, Billings was done. Also, my name is Dan.”
But to the crowd’s disappointment, the fight devolved into some limp-wristed bitch slapping, and beard-pulling. Clearly proving to be less-than-entertaining, the crowd depleted to enjoy the rest of the fair, voting the Jeep Guy Exhibit as ‘Worst of Show.’
He has not been invited to participate in the 2018 Chesire Fair.