It had been just shy of three years since 48-year old Nigel Cammish-Pike had made his home outside of Albany NY. Born of two affluent British families, Mr. Cammish-Pike had relocated to the United States, taking with him a substantial inheritance and two simple dreams (i) to buy a brand new Alfa Romeo 4C, and (ii) to engage in a torrid love affair with Academy Award Winning actress, Marisa Tomei.
Setting aside his romantic endeavors, Nigel would seek to purchase a 2018 Alfa Romeo 4C, however, would be limited in their ability to help them. Their reasoning? Because he was British.
Great Britain vs. Italy
As reported by the New York Times in early September, a conflict had recently arisen between Italy and Great Britain. Casually overlooked by the rest of the world, the sparks of conflict were ignited by the publication of a Welsh newspaper article suggesting that Prosecco, a bubbly Northern Italian Wine, was to blame for the UK’s chronic tooth decay.
With shots fired, Italian parliament considered a revolutionary trade embargo against Great Britain. If enacted, this embargo would not only eliminate direct import/export between the nations but would prevent any British or Welsh subjects as well as first-generation emigrants from purchasing Italian products.
This would include Nigel Cammish-Pike, who just wanted to buy his Alfa Romeo.
The Prosecco Connection
So, what’s the Prosecco Connection? In 2016 alone, Brits spent the equivalent of $434 million on the imported Italian wine, a 33% increase over the previous year. The wine, whose attributes include sweetness, carbonation and (of course) alcohol could certainly contribute to the erosion of teeth enamel, and increased oral sensitivity.
Addressing claims that Prosecco was a primary instigator of Great Britain’s dental woes, Italian minister Inutile Bastardo was quick to discount their validity stating, “Shaddup you face, eh! Mudda Futza gonna blame Prosecco. FaRkka you, ice hole.”
(Editors Note: We ran this through the Italian to English translator and learned that it’s not actually Italian. Then again, it did seem weird that Italy would elect a hand puppet, operated by a homeless alcoholic, to such a role in executive government. In hindsight, we might have been tricked by a homeless alcoholic with a hand puppet.)
That said, Italy was not about to walk away from a potential loss of $434 million in revenue. Attempting to discredit the claims, Italian trade ministers claimed that, ‘Brits have always had bad teeth.’ The British rebuttal from Lord Rupert Royston-Munt argued that ‘such a claim is an unfounded stereotype, encouraged by Hollywood.’
(Editorial Note: For the record, Lord Rupert Royston-Munt has horrible teeth).
Conflict Goes Global
While no formal action had been enacted by either government, news of the conflict would spark outrage within their respective communities. Citizens (of) and emigrants (from) both nations would adopt the conflict into their daily lives, escalating the tension.
Almost overnight, Italian-run businesses would discontinue servicing British customers. British-run businesses adapted their relationship with Italian customers accordingly. This instant rift would surface at most levels of commerce, touching even local businesses.
We spoke to Mario Laposta, the owner of LaPosta Pasta in Bethesda MD. “Yeah,” said Mr. Laposta. “If any of them pasty f*cking Limey sons-a-b*tches come try to set foot on my lot, it’s gonna be a case of fist meets face.”
To provide a counterpoint, we approached Fiona Pye-Humphrys, manager of a Seattle-based tea distributor who said, “It’s a bit of a damp squib, ain’t it? Calling my teeth bad, that’s a load of tosh, it is. Straight Rubbish. Italians done cocked up, they did.”
Meanwhile in Albany
“All I wanted to do was buy my bloody dream car,” shares Nigel Cammish-Pike. “I wasn’t even aware of all of this Prosecco business when I arrived at the dealer lot. I tried to open the doors to the showroom but they were locked. That’s when the guns came out. No seriously, everything went all to pot. Inside the showroom, a whole lot of salespeople were pointing bloody guns at me, and telling me to show them my teeth!”
Mr. Cammish-Pike is referring to a new method that people of Italian descent are using to identify those of British-descent. By ‘showing their teeth’ Italians are able to see if there is any notable tooth decay.
“It’s like 94% accurate…probably,” said Salvatore Robuccio, an aspiring bakery assistant with a third-grade education. “It’s tough in our business because people who eat a lot of sweets can have bad teeth too.”
Hollywood Liberals Take Action
Within a week of escalated tension, there was little surprise that Hollywood’s Liberal Elite was poised an ready to take action. Unfortunately, the ‘celebrities with a cause’ community were already overwhelmed with hurricane and flood relief, so those ‘poised and ready to take action’ were hardly A-listers.
In fact, the only celebrities who were available to help were David Lee Roth, the black guy from 80’s television show ‘Night Court’ and infamous Red Sox (former) first-baseman, Bill Buckner. With the help of legendary music producer Quincy Jones and U2 frontman Bono, the trio would record a song called, ‘Pasta, Bloody Pasta’. Unfortunately, the anthem would never gain momentum, maxing out at two downloads. (Note: there would have been three, but David Lee Roth didn’t know what the internet was).
Will the Tension Subside?
Only time will tell. With racial divide being all the rage these days, who knows if the British and Italian communities will reconcile. If they do, we can only hope that they’ll toast to prosperity over a few glasses of Prosecco.
Best Consolation Prize Ever
To date, Nigel Cammish-Pike has yet to secure his Alfa Romeo 4C. However, in a startling turn of events, he optioned the film rights to his story, in exchange for the chance to meet Marisa Tomei. According to TMZ, the two have been happily dating for weeks.