Editor’s note: While we had hoped to bring you an article on the 2022 Chevy Silverado 1500 ZR2, we regret to inform you that our website has been hacked by rapper/designer/professional jackass Kanye West, who has rewritten this piece in an effort to sell his own fleet of used vehicles. We hope to regain access to our website’s backend by week’s end, but in the meantime, we find ourselves temporarily part of Mr. West’s DONDA media empire. Just a reminder to our readers: “password” is not a good password, and Kanye is a little more tech-savvy than we thought.
Yo reader, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish this article on the 2022 Chevy Silverado 1500, but I have some of the best trucks and SUVs of all time for sale … some of the best trucks and SUVs of all time! You might have heard that I’m selling my 4,000-acre property in Cody, Wyoming, and moving back to L.A., and this right here is your chance to purchase a piece of American history. I’M NOT SAYING EVERYTHING I TOUCH TURNS TO GOLD, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE NO ONE HAD EVER HEARD OF THE MONA LISA, LUXURY CLOTHING, OR ENSURE BEFORE I STARTED RAPPING ABOUT THEM; JUST SAYING. I made these bitches famous.
CODY IS DOPE AND THESE TRUCKS AND SUVS ARE DOPE. You know how I know? Because I don’t do things that aren’t dope. If I do something, it instantly becomes dope. Remember those dumb sunglasses I was wearing back in the mid-00s? $200 hoodies? Shoes that look like you stepped on a Stay-Puft marshmallow? If I can convince y’all those are cool, I must know what’s up. I even did my own taxes last year and now all the kids on TikTok are all into the #IRSchallenge, which is basically just itemizing your deductions while some annoying song plays in the background.
THAT’S WHY I’M SORT OF PISSED I COULDN’T GET THIS CODY THING OFF THE GROUND. I sort of figured that everyone who was anyone would just follow me out here and it would become the new epicenter of the entertainment universe, but it’s hard to convince people that anything actually besides cows and corn exist between L.A. and Chicago. I like the people out here, they’re real down-to-earth and share my appreciation for drab workwear, but it’s just not the same. The feed store is pretty much the cultural hub of town, and they’ve got some great deals on sorghum, but they also close at 4:30 p.m. I will miss Bingo night at the VFW though. I might have grown up on Chicago’s South Side, but I’ve still never seen anyone hustle as hard as those little old ladies playing 16 cards at once. SHOUTOUT GLADYS!
So here’s the thing though: I’ve got all these big-ass trucks and SUVs that I can’t take back to L.A. with me. Don’t get me wrong, they look super dope –– obviously –– it’s just that damn California gas tax. VOTE KANYE 2024 … These trucks all retail for between $27,000 and $54,000, but once you consider the kind of mileage they get, they’re going to cost almost as much as a Lamborghini. That’s a little pricey, even for me, and I’m not about to hit Kylie up for some of that lipgloss money.
These are some quality trucks and SUVs though, don’t get me wrong. We’ve got six Ford vehicles in total: a couple 202 Expeditions, couple F-150 Raptors, a F-250 and a F-350. THEY’VE BEEN ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE ANTICS OF ME AND MY CREW PLAYING COWBOY AND ARE ALL IN GREAT SHAPE EXCEPT FOR WHAT THE MECHANIC IS CALLING A CRITICAL SEAT FAILURE IN THE ONE KIM USED TO DRIVE AROUND IN. I only sell the funnest cars I’ve ever driven.
In true Ye fashion, this sale is going to go down a little differently than your normal purchase. First off, I’m going to spend weeks cryptically hyping up the sale without giving you any concrete information about when it will begin. It will then be indefinitely delayed, tweaked up until the last possible moment and only unveiled when the perfect opportunity to mess with Drake arrives. This means that only insiders, bots and 14-year-old hypebeasts will know when they drop, and by the time you find them on the resale market, they’ll have increased in price by at least 400 percent.
Alright, that’s it from me. I’ve been great. YOU’RE WELCOME. GOD BLESS.
- Kanye, Ye, or whatever I’m going by now (it’s hard to remember sometimes)