The Lemon
  • Editorial Note: Due to pending trademark litigation, and California Legislative Civil Code Section 47, all published content relating to the Kardashian family, their media presence, business interests, financial holdings, associates and related parties must (i) identify words within any/all published content which begin with a “hard” C and (ii) replace it with a “K”, in order to maintain established brand identity and intellectual property. 

It’s almost hard to believe that it’s been fifteen years since the societal ‘kancer’ known as the Kardashians first afflicted our society. Still relatively fresh from the horrors of 9-11, the insurgence of mindless paparazzi ‘kulture’ in the early 2000’s proved an enticing distraction for our traumatized nation. And none seemed to ‘kapitalize’ on it more than an attractive friend of (then “It” Girl) Paris Hilton, by the name of Kim Kardashian.

Rocketing to fame, this new Kardashian Empire was built on a time-honored recipe for success: one part Daddy’s money, one part Armenian good looks, and one part sex tape. Through a lucrative ‘kontract’ with the “E” (Entertainment) Network, Kim’s newfound celebrity would expand to benefit all members of her immediate family. Suddenly the world couldn’t seem to escape Kim, sisters Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall and Kyle and “Mom-ager” Kris. This spotlight would also be shared with brother Rob, as well as stepfather (and former Olympian) Bruce Jenner. Unfortunately, both men’s lack of a “K” name, would leave them exposed to tragedy: namely, the ravages of emotional eating and a ‘kathartic’ wiener-snip. The fact that the latter (to be referred to, in this piece, as Ms. Jenner) chose to spell his lady name with a “C” instead of a “K” served as a battle ‘kry’, challenging the Empire of which he was no longer a member.

Now worth well-over $122.5 million, the women of the Kardashian ‘klan’ are at the pinnacle of both success, and Black-American phallus pool. But ‘konsistency’ is key, and a new ‘korporate’ sponsorship deal between KIA and Ms. Jenner might be putting it all at risk.

James Bell, KIA Director of ‘Korporate’ ‘Kommunications’ explains, “As an automaker, KIA prides itself on being able to recognize both our strengths and our weaknesses. We’ll get back to you on the strengths (once we figure out whatever they are) but our weaknesses are most evident in discussions of performance and athleticism. As far as the average driver is ‘koncerned’, these attributes are not the hallmark of a KIA…but as a former Olympian, Ms. Jenner ‘karries’ those attributes in spades, making her the ideal spokesperson to promote our new K900 sedan. This ‘kampaign’ will be revolutionary, utilizing modern internet marketing strategies such as unapologetic trolling and strategic irony. And it begins with our slogan…


The Kardashian Family ‘kontends’ that their association with high-end brands, as well as their own proprietary lines is ‘kompromised’ by Ms. Jenner’s association with an economy brand, such as Kia. ‘Klaiming’ that the potential damage is worsened by the prevalence of the letter ‘K’ in both “Kia’ and ‘K900’, use of Ms. Jenner as a spokesperson ‘kould’ ‘kreate’ a ‘konfusing’ ‘konflict’ due to her being a former member of their family, and its ‘kommercial’ licensing.

Ms. Jenner’s attorney issued a formal statement in response, stating, “What a bunch of ‘k*nts’.”


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