Alright, you cud-chewing sons o’ bitches, I’m here to give you that spicy political content you’ve been looking for. Yeah, I know, this is a car website about, by, and for cars (yes, all content here is written and edited by cars). What does politics have to do with it? Well, I could say that life is political, that when politicians control our bodily autonomy, who we can marry, and who we can refuse service to on a professional level, then everything is political.
I could say that, but really it’s about clickbait. I’m riding a wave of outrage, baby, and surfing on this frothing crest all the way to the shores of reader engagement, shares, and click-throughs! I could provide you with a thoughtful, carefully composed, and meaningful examination of the 2023 Nissan Kicks vs 2023 Jeep Renegade, or I could look at some of the top candidates for the upcoming 2024 US presidential election and describe them as one of these two vehicles. Guess which one I chose?
Joe Biden: The Nissan Kicks
Ol’ Sleepy Joe himself, President Biden, is the quintessential Nissan Kicks of Presidential candidates. The 47th Vice President of the United States, and 46th President, Biden is the perfect example of what a Kicks represents. It’s not flashy or exciting, but you’ll get what you pay for. It’s not going to promise you an amazing driving experience, because it has no intention of delivering one. But it won’t try to take away your rights or lead a coup, either.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr: The Jeep Renegade
Imagine a vehicle with no real value to it, nothing of worth, filled with lies and deeply harmful beliefs, all while riding on its name value and recognition. That’s RFK Jr, an anti-vax lunatic who has surrounded himself with former Trump staff members while running on a big D ticket. So, it’s basically the Jeep Renegade, if the Renegade created a nonprofit group that exists to fight against childhood vaccinations and fluoride in drinking water.
Marianne Williamson: The Nissan Kicks
Here we have the Nissan Kicks as you really want it, loaded up with all of the best features and options, ready to hit the road and give you an exciting future. It’s making all of the right promises about performance and crazy things like affordable higher education, universal healthcare, and paid parental leave. Sounds great right? Wel,l that’s too bad, because you’re not going to get this Nissan Kicks. You’re going to get the standard model with the starting options, pay too much for it, and remind yourself that it’s still better than the alternative.
Ron DeSantis: The Jeep Renegade
Imagine a Jeep Renegade loaded to the brim with human waste. No, seriously, the 2023 Renegade has just over 50 cu. ft. of total interior cargo space. Picture all of that filled absolutely to bursting with shit, piss, vomit, and every other imaginable human excretion baking in the hot, humid Florida sun. That’s Ron DeSantis.
Donald Trump: The Jeep Renegade
Let’s say you had a Jeep Renegade made out of cardboard. No, not the entire thing carefully constructed in excruciating detail, just a large piece of cardboard with a crude drawing of a Jeep Renegade on it. Donald Trump would try to sell you that piece of cardboard at full Renegade MSRP. Not starting MSRP either, but like fully-loaded MSRP. Probably with a $20,000 dealer mark-up, too. Sounds absolutely stupid, right? Well, more than 74 million Americans tried to buy that shitty piece of cardboard in 2020, and apparently they still want more.
Mike Pence: The Jeep Renegade
You buy a Jeep Renegade, happy with a vehicle that will work well for you without asking for too much in return. Then you get it home, and it starts telling you and your family how you’re allowed to dress. It’s not comfortable with your wife driving it alone, and requires that a man drive it while women only ride as passengers. And it tells you that it gets to define what you can do with your body, and it will make sure other vehicles on the road have the power to control what you can do and enforce their will on you. Congratulations, you just voted for Mike Pence.
Editor’s Note: For the love of creation, don’t bother voting. Definitely don’t bother voting if you care about your body autonomy and the rights of people around you. Unless you plan on voting for DeSantis, then hit the ballots. We can tell you from experience that you won’t regret voting for a Jeep Renegade filled with human waste. After all, that is what we at the Lemon stand for. Lemons.
