Back in 2015, Chevy unveiled their “Safety Alert Seat,” a ground-breaking safety feature. Before the unveiling of this function, drivers found that their vehicle’s crash alert system was accompanied by audible and visual warnings. While this method proved to be effective, some drivers found it to be relatively distracting. Now, owners can rely on the “Safety Alert Seat” to provide them with a warning. When the Chevy car detects that a crash is imminent, the seat subtly vibrates, thus alerting the driver of the impending dangers. This has also proven to increase the trade-in value of the applicable vehicles, as drivers have quickly recognized how helpful this feature can be.
The system has been embraced around the country. However, some drivers in a small Kentucky town are now calling for the technology to be banned from all vehicles. Why would these individuals want to eliminate such a useful safety function?
Well, their qualm can be attributed to awkward Kentucky native, Shea Kitoff. According to the 50-year-old, he recently purchased a hulking 2017 Chevy Suburban. Through the first several months of ownership, Mr. Kitoff treated the vehicle as he had any other. After narrowly avoiding several frontal fender benders, the individual quickly recognized how annoying the Chevy audible and visual warnings can be. After looking through the SUV’s manual, he quickly decided to switch to the “Safety Alert Seat.”
“I thought nothing of it,” Mr. Kitoff told The Lemon in an exclusive interview. “I have an ear infection and astigmatism, so the audible and visual cues were literally painful. I switched over to the Safety Alert Seat and thought nothing of it.”
That was until a mid-June afternoon when Mr. Kitoff accidentally approached another vehicle at too great of a speed. The seat slightly vibrated, and (as the owner described it) Mr. Kitoff was sent into a “world of ecstasy.”
“I never knew how much I need that jiggle in my wiggle,” Mr. Kitoff said. “I hadn’t made love to my wife in a decade. I had never had any homo-erotic thoughts. However, when I started sensing that vibration on my bum, I had a feeling that I hadn’t felt since college…if ever!”
Things were all well and good for the first week following Mr. Kitoff’s near-accident. His wife, Mae, noted that the couple’s sex life had improved dramatically. However, she also noted that her husband was now going on frequent drives around the block. She didn’t think anything of it until her husband returned home one evening accompanied by a pair of police.
“I had actually assumed that he picked up smoking,” Mae explained. “I never expected this, though.”
As Mr. Kitoff describes it (and as the local police have confirmed), he quickly discovered that the system only worked when the vehicle detected a dangerous situation. Initially, the individual was content with parking near brick walls, as he’d receive a brief vibration before the vehicle came to a complete stop. However, Mr. Kitoff quickly tired of these slight seat-shakes, and he found that the seat would only vibrate when he approached those walls at a high speed (which would also compromise the vehicle’s well-being).
Therefore, the Suburban owner discovered that the only way to get his “fix” was to tailgate other drivers. In this situation, the SUV would believe that the operator was about to be in an impending crash, and it’d constantly alert the driver via the vibrations.
“It worked beautifully, “ Mr. Kitoff said. “Sure, I’d get dirty looks from drivers, and plenty of cars would pull over and let me pass. In that situation, I’d just drive around and look for another vehicle to tailgate.”
Of course, the local police station was quickly flooded with complaints. Unfortunately, the cops couldn’t get to Mr. Kitoff in time. On the same night when he returned home with a pair of policemen, the individual had caused several crashes in his town. One witness said it was as if Mr. Kitoff “just didn’t care about his own vehicle” as he followed multiple vehicles.
“I just lost control,” Mr. Kitoff said. “I hit the first car and quickly sped away. After that, I didn’t think twice about getting in another accident. If anything, the intensity in the seat’s vibration was slightly boosted, and that really made my bofiggle giggle.”
It didn’t take long for the police to catch up. After having caused eight minor accidents around the city in a two-hour span, the cops found Mr. Kitoff pulled over to the side of the road smoking a cigarette. A police spokesman noted that the man was more than obedient when cops put him into handcuffs, and the cops obliged when he asked to swing by his house before heading to the police station.
“That’s when he told me that he was leaving me,” Mae said. “He told me that I never satisfied him like his slut Suburban. He definitely mentioned that he was “in love” with the SUV. That’s when I told the cops to take him away.”
Mr. Kitoff was subsequently charged with reckless driving, driving under the influence (breathalyzer tests showed that the individual was slightly over the legal limit), and indecent exposure (some witnesses claim he occasionally drove around town completely naked). Predictably, Mr. Kitoff’s lawyer is disputing these charges.
“My client is innocent on all of those accusations,” said his attorney (and former homeless animal lawyer) Hugh Janus. “The car accidents were a result of poor driving from the other parties involved.”
Mr. Kitoff is currently awaiting trial. Although he’s been barred from driving, some local residents claim they’ve still seen the individual tailgating other drivers. Furthermore, several local residents decided to test out the safety seat for themselves, and they’ve followed Mr. Kitoff’s lead in tailgating other drivers. As a result, several local residents are claiming the safety amenity should be removed from all vehicles.
“It’s ironic that it’s a safety feature that compromises the safety of others,” said Minnie Head. “These individuals are dangerous and shouldn’t be allowed on the road. However, they’ll continue to drive anyway. In order to discourage them from driving dangerously, the vibrating seat needs to be removed!”
Mr. Kitoff has observed the reaction to this phenomenon, although he isn’t regretful.
“I’d have given the world to unlock that feeling,” he explained. “So what, I caused a couple car crashes. I’d do it again tomorrow in order to feel that robiggle in my diggle.”
