Normally, when an individual’s car is stolen, it can lead to a variety of different issues for the owner. For starters, they don’t have a vehicle, and they will presumably be forced to rely on public transportation to get them to and from work. For those who live in rural areas, this can be easier said than done. Furthermore, they may not have the financial means to replace the stolen vehicle, meaning they’re forced to ride a bike or scooter during their commute.
However, for others, this type of theft is considered a good thing… especially when you consider that it opens up the opportunity to pursue the former option in the competition between the 2017 Toyota Camry vs. the 2017 Hyundai Sonata.
Ronald Reegan woke up with quite the surprise last weekend. The RandomCity, Missouri native went out to his deck to drink his daily cup of joe, and he quickly discovered that his 2017 Hyundai Sonata had been stolen the night before.
“I’m truly blessed,” Reegan explained. “I was never a fan of the Sonata. I won it after appearing on the Price is Right, and I just drove the car around to make my elderly neighbors jealous. I want to personally thank the thief for taking the vehicle off my hands.”
As the former owner explained, he would have been required to pay a hefty fee to have the vehicle removed from his property, as he had accidentally thrown the keys down the sewer during a drunken night of debauchery. While he was willing to take the financial hit and rid himself of the monstrosity, a thoughtful and helpful thief ultimately solved all of his issues.
“It truly couldn’t have worked out any better,” he exclaimed. “Now I can opt for the 2017 Toyota Camry like I actually wanted.”
Mr.Reegan actually wrote a 1,000-plus-word Facebook manifesto describing his hate for the vehicle, and he detailed all of the specific problems he had with the car. Unsurprisingly, many of his fellow Sonata owners have had similar complaints.
The individual’s Facebook is set to private, but The Lemon has acquired the exclusive transcript of his detailed issues with the model:
“Today someone stole my Sonata. Before you tell me you’re sorry, realize that this is awesome!11!!!
Ever since Drew Carey handed me the keys to the car, I’ve had problems. For starters, I couldn’t afford the taxes on the car. $21,600 MSRP is clearly overpriced, and the corresponding payments reflected that.
But then, when I finally got home with my new car, I realized that it was an absolute dud… an ABSOLUTE dud. The vehicle has difficulties even starting, especially on those cold RandomCity winter morning. One time, the engine even crapped out when I was driving home from Target (I had to buy some toothbrushes). That’s NOT what you expect from a new car.
The vehicle wasn’t as comfortable as I was anticipating. All of those interior features were overrated. The safety functions weren’t nearly as successful as the brand implied.
If you were thinking of buying a Sonata, DON’T. I lucked out that a thoughtful thief took it off my hand. I always found I had to defend my car when people were debating the 2017 Toyota Camry vs. 2017 Hyundai Sonata. Finally, I can give my real thoughts and tell everyone why the Camry is actually the best!”
The RandomCity police quickly began investigating the theft, but they weren’t looking to throw the suspect in jail. Rather, the entire city was looking to celebrate the individual for his selflessness.
Finally, after a witness came forward, it was learned that local hip hop star Steel DatCar was the person who stole Mr. Reegan’s Sonata. The city immediately shut all schools and government offices, and they held a huge parade through downtown RandomCity. Food trucks lined the main street, and the mayor even managed to get Adele to sing at the subsequent concert.
“Mr.DatCar is the hero that RandomCity has been seeking,” Adele said during her makeshift concert. “Nobody in this city will ever be able to match the altruistic persona of this man.”
“We are declaring today “Steel DatCar Day” in RandomCity,” said mayor Regis Philbin (the former gameshow host). “Nobody exemplifies our city’s spirits more than this man.”
Mr.DatCar wasn’t so keen on talking to the media after the parade, but the The Lemon did secure an interview several days later.
“I did nothing wrong,” he explained. “I told them, I didn’t steal no car.”
When Mr.DatCar was reminded that the city was actually lauding his decision to take the vehicle from Mr .Reegan, the individual changed his tone.
“You know, maybe I did take the car,” he said. “Usually when I do that, the city throws me in jail. They must really hate the 2017 Hyundai Sonata.”
Now, Mr. Reegan is looking to purchase that long-desired 2017 Toyota Camry. The man actually had an encyclopedic knowledge of the model, and he listed all of the available paint colors to The Lemon.
“Midnight Black Metallic, Super White, Celestial Silver Metallic, Predawn Gray Mica, Cosmic Gray Mica, Ruby Flare Pearl, Creme Brûlée Mica, Parisian Night Pearl, Blizzard Pearl, and my favorite, Blue Streak Metallic,” Reegan recited. “Does that quote get you to your required word count?”
The man also pointed towards the 3.6-liter V6 engine, as well as the exterior style, the interior amenities, and all of the safety features. A local Toyota dealer has actually offered to give Mr. Reegan the car for free, and they’re also providing Mr. DatCar with his own modified version of the model.
In the end, everything ended up working out in RandomCity… and none of this would have happened had Mr.DatCar not decided to steal a random sedan.
“Jesus, Kurt Warner, and Steel DatCar are my top-three heroes,” Mr. Reegan said. “I don’t know what I would have done had he not stolen that 2017 Hyundai Sonata. My life would be a whole lot different if he hadn’t… and it would have been different for the worse.”