Mennonite Community Caught in Trump Crossfire

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President Donald J. Trump threatens MI Congressman Justin Amash while Amish man looks on over live auto news.

While live auto news headlines tend to feature industry-centered headlines (be they related to project developments, financial matters, recalls or other topics) the expanding role of connective technologies in all-things automotive emphasize the pertinence of the following story.

The hits keep coming in Washington D.C. after President Donald J. Trump issued a declaration of Twitter-war against Justin Amash, the Republican Congressman for Michigan’s 3d district. Prompted by Amash’s claims that the President’s conduct (as detailed in the Mueller Report) was “impeachable”, no-one was surprised that the ever-impulsive Commander-in-Chief went immediately on the public offensive claiming that he was “never a fan of Amish,” using such terms as “lightweight” and “loser.” Unfortunately, his tendency for typographical errors has sparked backlash from the 86 Mennonite settlements located throughout the state of Michigan.

Michigan Congressman Justin Amash
Michigan Congressman Justin Amash miscalculates a mic drop.

As summarized so succinctly by Political/Social Media Expert Chelsea Fahlullah during her recent appearance on CNN, “Considering the role President Trump plays upon the global stage, the nature of his Twitter activity is – and has always been – problematic. Unfortunately, it has given birth to a diametrically-opposed set of consequences. First, our tendency to collectively over-scrutinize his tweets. Secondly, is our desensitization, almost of if we are willing to condone certain subpar communication because we’ve come to expect it from him. And while the simple misspelling of ‘Amash’ to read ‘Amish’ might be easy to let slide in most situations, the inflammatory nature of the President’s tweets posed a serious risk to us all.

Fahlullah, of course, is referring to the fact that all internet services in the United States are powered by Amish communities.

“A lot of people fail to recognize that there are a quarter-of-a-million Amish men and women in the United States today. And our understanding of their communities is based primarily around dated stereotypes that paint their communities in an unreasonably primitive light. Thus, there is an even larger number of people who remain ignorant to the fact that the Global Online Ordinance for Group Leadership & Education (also known as G.O.O.G.L.E. – yes THAT Google) is largely an Amish collective.”

A fact that Google co-founder and V.P. of Development, Jedediah Kauffman, knows all too well.

Amish man inside of Google headquarters
Heavy is the head that wears the ‘hut’. Jedediah Kauffman of Google considers the unthinkable.

“Many people have a misconception about the Amish, thinking that we exist solely in a place of horse-drawn carriages and community barn raisings. Well, sometimes that’s true; but sometimes that carriage is hauling next-gen smartphone technology, and sometimes that barn might be better described as a climate-controlled server farm. I mean, you didn’t think Rumspringa was about partying, right? It’s the Amish community sending out representatives to road-test new gear. The keg stands and promiscuity are just a clever distraction to throw you all off. But we are DONE with secrecy and must now battle ignorance.”

According to Kauffman, “Whether the President’s Tweets were directed at us or not, Google has no expectation that Mr. Trump will be issuing an apology to our country’s Amish communities. In turn, we’ll have to force his hand in order to right this egregious error, and will be shutting down the internet. Hell, we’re shutting down all connective technologies including Bluetooth devices, smartphones, and navigational systems.”

Amish Man on smartphone while working at produce stand.
The Amish still have internet access. Do you?

So, you heard it here first, the world is ending — because the President badmouthed the Amish. We’ll keep you up-to-date at the story progrrrrrr….

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