New Financing Option Coming Soon to a Dealer Near You

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A line of vehicles at a car dealership are shown advertising a new car loan.

Friends and readers (those terms are mutually exclusive, I assure you), if you’re savvy enough to recognize the genius that I offer you, then you know that I’ve got my finger on the pulse of the auto industry, and I’m generous enough to share that wisdom with you. Sometimes, the information I deign to offer is with regard to manufacturers and brands; other times – like today – I’m here to keep you abreast on what to expect at a car dealership the next time you go to buy a car. As always, you’re welcome for these important lessons.

Recently, I was snooping about at one of my favorite dealers, hoping to see a horrendous accident at the service center and drinking their free coffee, when I happened to overhear a conversation between two of their sales folk. I won’t replicate the contents of their discussion here as it would require far too much effort to censor their profanities and eliminate the details of their various sexual excursions. I will, instead, present to you the gist of their discussion as it relates to what you should know: a bold new option for buying a car.

Boring, Old Typical Financing

Most car financing and auto loans follow one of two patterns: conventional loans and Buy Here Pay Here (BHPH) loans. With a conventional loan, you go to a dealer, shop for a car, find something that doesn’t make you sick, and then you get a loan to help you pay for it. I don’t care who you are, there’s a good chance you won’t be able to pony up the insane price of a new vehicle these days, so you’ll need help from a bank looking to make money off of you.

If your credit sucks, however, then banks are going to look at you the same way their CEOs look at all poor people: disgusted. They’ll refuse to give you a loan, further proving their worthlessness, and remind themselves about how important they are. So you’ll be stuck with a BHPH loan where you get financing directly from the dealer, sucking up higher interest and strict terms because you need a car, and the industry has painted you into a corner. But now, there’s a fantastic new option…

An Exciting New Take on Financing

While it hasn’t gone widespread within the industry yet, several dealerships in my area have started a new program, and this is what I heard those aforementioned sales creatures talking about. It’s called “Unlimited Potential Benefit Lending,” (UPBL) though I heard it referred to by another name by these “people” who didn’t know I was listening: Buy Here Pay Forever (BHPF) financing. I’m going to go with their term for it.

The idea is simple and similar to BHPH lending: you work directly with the dealership, and they act as a lender rather than dealing with a third-party institution. You get a loan from the dealer, and then you pay it back… forever. The trick is pretty simple: they dazzle you with bullshit and convince you to agree to incredibly low monthly payments – who doesn’t want to pay less, right? Of course, you’re only ever paying interest and never paying off the actual principal on the loan, so you end up paying it off forever.

Is BHPF Financing Right for You?

Personally, I applaud this new direction for automotive financing – finally, an approach that’s as honest as it should be. Anyone who’s ever bought a Buick already knows how it feels to pay for your decision for the rest of your life, so why not make things a bit more literal? If you’re not sure whether BHPF financing is the right choice for you, then ask your favorite dealership. I’m sure they’ll only give you advice that’s best for your needs and not at all aimed at boosting their profits at the expense of their own humanity.

Editor’s Note: We’ve contacted several local car dealerships for a comment about either BHPF financing or “Unlimited Potential Benefit Lending” but they informed us they had never heard of either concept. After we described it to them, all we heard from the other end of the phone was the sound of excessive drooling and, in one instance, euphoric moans of ecstasy that we’d rather not describe in detail. Since those calls, we’ve heard about UPBL opportunities at 47 different dealerships, and it seems this writer was definitely on the cusp of something. Thank you.

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