Following the relative success of Volvo’s pedestrian airbag, Nissan has decided to take non-passenger safety to another level… and this time, they’re focusing on animals. Next year, the brand is planning on including the new “ASS” (animal safety system) in all of their vehicles.
What is the intent of the ASS technology? The system will detect the presence of an animal on a busy road, and the accompanying shovels will scoop the critter and place it into a safe holding cell. Thanks to this innovative inclusion, experts estimate that roadkill will be reduced by approximately 17%.
Before you start searching for a Nissan dealership in your next of the woods, explore everything that Nissan’s ASS will provide to customers…
“ASS” Technology
We all know that there are two things that Nissan loves: automobiles and customers. However, one of the brand’s engineers, Noah Nada, tweeted that the brand has another passion: “OMG me and my boys at #Nissan luv animals <3.”
It’s no coincidence that a month following this tweet, the brand unveiled their new ASS technology at the Compton Auto Show. The new feature is intended to increase animal’s safety. Previously, when an animal ran in front of a Nissan vehicle, they were instantly destroyed, with blood and guts splattered across the pavement. Now, thanks to the inclusion of the ASS system, these critters’ lives will be preserved.
Each Nissan vehicle is equipped with special shovels that will scoop any animals directly off the road. The animal will briefly be placed into a holding cell, where they’ll sit until the Nissan has come to a complete stop. At that time, the animal will be allowed to exit the cell and return to the wild. These shovels will only deploy when necessary, and the Nissan will rely on a number of in-vehicle sensors to detect when an animal has suddenly run in front of the vehicle.
“I feel responsible for the development of this new animal safety system, and I’ve got to say, I couldn’t be happier with my ASS,” Nada said at the Compton Auto Show. “My ASS is truly changing the automotive industry. Thanks to my ASS , there will no longer be blood on the roads. Thanks to my ASS , there will be no more dead animals. And, thanks to my ASS , children will no longer cry.”
Every Nissan vehicle is equipped with the Standard “ASS” technology, which can accommodate an animal that weighs up to five pounds. For larger critters, customers can opt for the “Big ASS” system, which will handle animals like skunks and opossums.
Of course, this still wouldn’t solve the issue of running into a moose or deer. As Nissan explains, you’re basically screwed in this situation.
“Yea, my ASS isn’t going to help you there,” explained Nada.
Animal’s “Right to Die”
Of course, the liberals over at Nissan embrace every animal’s “right to die.” When animals run right in front of a moving vehicle, it’s usually because they’re too dumb to recognize that this isn’t the right thing to do. However, there are some animals who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or perhaps a male squirrel walked in on his wife exploring another squirrel’s acorns. In these cases, the animal has every right to take their own life.
“While our ASS system is intended to increase the well-being of animals, we understand that there may be some situations where the critter actually wants to end their life,” the brand said in a statement. “This was especially evident following our recent court case with that filthy skunk.”
Who could forget the groundbreaking case between Nissan and Mr.LeCrud? S. Mel LeCrud reportedly owed hundreds of berries in gambling debts to a local gang of fisher cats. To prevent his family from suffering from the impending financial burden (and to keep them away from violent acts), S. Mel decided to jump in front of a Nissan SUV one evening.
However, the vehicle featured the original ASS prototype, and S. Mel was quickly released back into the wild… and into the hands of the fisher cat gang. The animals ended up executing S. Mel’s entire family, leaving the skunk alone and depressed.
“This is a direct violation of animal rights,” said homeless animal attorney, Hugh Janus. “My client wanted to get hit by a car for the benefit of his family. Instead, his wife and children were brutally murdered. The brand has absolutely no rights to determine whether an animal is allowed to live or not.”
The case was ultimately thrown out when it was determined that Janus was high on acid and had made up the entire story.
Still, the crazy homeless man led Nissan’s engineers to recognize their own faults, so their “holding cell” is now automatically equipped with an arsenic pill. If the animal truly wants to take their own life, they can do so peacefully… and they won’t make a mess on the road by opting for this route.
Free Dinner
Did your Nissan just capture a chubby rabbit? Instead of planning a random trip to McDonalds, you could rely on that should-have-been roadkill to feed your entire family.
The animal holding cell’s walls include a series of burners and heaters. If a driver doesn’t wish to release the critter back to the wild, then can instead choose to cook the animal, thus providing them with a free dinner. The standard option involves roasting the animal, but several after-market add-ons allow Nissan owners to fry, sauté, and broast the critter. Some Nissan owners have cleverly coated the cell’s walls with spices, providing additional flavor to that roadkill.
“I didn’t only want my ASS to save animal’s lives,” said Nada. “I also wanted my ASS to feed families that might have difficulties putting food on the table. Thanks to my ASS, Nissan owners should never have an empty dinner table.
Nissan’s ASS is changing the way drivers operate their cars, and it will also preserve the well-being of wild animals. In other words, ASS won’t only change the industry… it could change the entire world.
