Freehold, New Jersey – A Freehold resident has launched a complaint in court against his local New Jersey electric car dealership. Ed Wannabe, aged 53 and three-quarters, claims that he now pays higher electricity bills than his neighbors, all of whom drive normal, gas-guzzling, climate-destroying, baby seal clubbing … cars.
Wannabe, who purchased his EV last month, expected he’d be saving money, and the planet, with his purchase.
“Apart from the $40,000 auto loan that charges 70% interest and the pound of flesh, this really was the most economical choice,” Wannabe claims. “I bought my electric car to help combat carbon emissions. Quite unlike my feckless neighbors, who spew diesel wherever they go. I’m rather proud that I no longer need to pay for gasoline.”
Despite his pride of purchase, Wannabe was shocked when he found a $4,000 electricity bill in his mailbox last month.
“The dealer told me that I’d be saving all the money I would have been spending at the pump. And then I get this in the mail? I’ve been conned!”
Preston Fink, local EV dealer, who also happens to have a pencil thin mustache and enjoys pinstripe suits and fedoras, says he never claimed, outright, that Wannabe would be saving money with his purchase. “I told him, I said it was a fantastic choice for a gullib-smart man like him,” Fink mumbled while chewing on a toothpick. “I never said he’d be saving money. You know how much the average EV costs? A small fortune. And as for saving the planet, ha! They burn more coal than London after The War to keep up with the energy demands.”
Regardless of the contrary opinions, Wannabe is pursuing a formal complaint against Fink and National Grid in civil court, where he expects his bill to be refunded and all future bills paid in full by the Fink and the neighborhood charitable pool Wannabe has set up in his own name.
However, hopes of community support seem thin.
“He can’t force us to pay for his little scooter,” said Ronny Cortland, disgruntled neighbor and F-350 owner. “I get that gas prices are high, but it’s nothin’s cheap around here!” ‘
Cortland’s wife, Martha, is in concurrence with her husband, though her comments were deemed too vulgar for print.
When asked to comment on his apparent lack of popularity, Wannabe responded with equal scorn. “They do not understand electric vehicles the way I do,” he said. “It’s all to do with saving the planet, you see.”
Saving the planet, according to Wannabe, entails the total destruction of the fossil fuel industry and replacing all forms of energy production with systems that are reliant on something as tame and predictable as the weather. Wannabe, whose HOA rejected both his proposals to build an 80-foot backyard windmill and replacing the community garden with a solar field, feels his EV purchase is the closest he’s yet come to making a difference in the fight against climate change.
“Oh, I’ve been riding this train since the ‘80s,” he said. “Global warming, cooling, everything that they’ve come up with to scare us over the last 40 years? I was on the forefront of it all then, and I’m on the forefront of it all now!”
Despite his skyrocketing electric bills, piling attorney fees, high car payments, and relative hatred amongst his community members, Wannabe says he in no way regrets purchasing his EV.
“Oh no, it’s the principle of it all. I’d like to not go broke, yes, but it’s worth it to help save the planet and make a point.”
His attorney, one Jack Cheapskate, thinks Wannabe is being a tad overdramatic.
“I mean, to be fair,” Cheapskate said while chewing three pieces of gum simultaneously, “it’s not like EV ownership is gonna save you any money. The upfront costs alone, I mean, come on! A man’s gotta eat, am I right? Saving the world. Save yourself, first!” Mr. Cheapskate drives a ‘95 Dodge Neon.
Still, Wannabe retains hope.
“It’s the principle! In order to save the world, I need an electric car. And in order to pay for my electric car, I need the dealer and my neighbors to pay for it. What’s so bad about that?” he insisted while firing up the diesel generator he’s been using to power his house since National Grid shut off his electricity last week.