Now You Can Hate Cyclists on Land and Water

E-water bikes are riding towards an angry man in a boat, which may be an issue in live auto news.

While we might be stretching the definition of live auto news to include this particular story, the way we figure it, “if it’s good enough for Motor Trend, it’s good enough for The Lemon.” Should we set our standards higher? Maybe. Are we going to? Probably not.

Anyhoo, let’s talk about the New Zealand-based company Manta5, a company that exploded on social media back in 2017 thanks to their Hydrofoiler e-water bike. That’s right, a water bike. Weighing around 64 lbs, and able to support riders up to 220 lbs, the Hydrofoiler measures 6.5 feet at its widest point and can reach speeds up to 13 mph. Here’s a closer look:

Pretty cool, right? Well, with a starting price of $7,490, it out to be. At the very least, that’s jet-ski money, so it all comes down to how much you’re willing to pay to look like a pretentious douchebag. More importantly, how much are you willing to pay to irritate anyone with a boat?

Call me cynical, but isn’t it bad enough that we have to deal with cyclists on the roads? I mean sure, most of us could afford to spend some time on a bike getting some cardio in, but c’mon. Now, almost every middle-aged person eager to reclaim a fraction of their high school peak is stuffing themselves into padded spandex and wearing a space helmet circa 1977 Star Wars: A New Hope and calling themselves a competitive athlete. Plus, we gave cyclists the breakdown lanes, but that wasn’t good enough. Now they need the whole damn road, and I’m constantly stuck going 11 mph behind some project manager named Marc (spelled with a ‘c’) and the sweaty butt-crack he seems so proud of, since its capable of defeating moisture-wick technology.

Now, it would appear they want the water too. This means that every Bayliner, speed, and pontoon boat out there might find their fun being held captive by Hydrofoiler douchebags.

“But Mitch…that’s what the ‘No Wake Zones’ are for!”

Oh, silly optimist. The cyclists won’t settle for the ‘No Wake Zones’ any more than they settled for the breakdown lanes. They want everything, they want your lakes and your beaches, and they won’t stop until they achieve their goal.

A meme about cyclists hogging the road is shown.

The worst part? As everyone knows, there are three important rules that must never be broken when it comes to cyclists. They must never be exposed to sunlight, they must never get wet, and most importantly, they must never be fed after midnight. Break any of these three rules, and cyclists will immediately multiply and/or turn evil. It’s why you usually see herds of sweaty, cyclists out there on sunny days pumped up on early AM Cliff Bars.

Now they want to be out there on the actual water on sunlit summer days? Even if Manta5 limits their initial run of Hydrofoilers, and only hundreds of cyclists start claiming sections of waterway, they’ll multiply into the thousands, tens of thousands, and millions in no time. Then they’ll turn evil, pushing for Hydrofoil-friendly legislation that protects their rights and safety and limits the fun we can have on boats and jet skis.

No good can come of this, people. #JustSayNoToHydrofoiling


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