5 Bold New Automotive Technologies

A board meeting for 2020 Kia Sportage vs 2020 Chevy Blazer with ideas such as 3D car printing, community car building and VR driving

One thing I find interesting about the auto industry is the way in which it draws inspiration from other industries and businesses to innovate for itself. For example, recently, Nissan will start testing a vehicle subscription service in Texas, where you pay a monthly fee, and you can drive different vehicles every day. Meanwhile, lawmakers in Virginia are passing legislation that would allow for peer-to-peer vehicle renting between individuals. Not to be outdone, though carmakers seem content to have us looking at current models like the 2020 Kia Sportage vs 2020 Chevy Blazer, they’re secretly looking to go even further…

While you won’t find mainstream news stories about these technologies, I have good sources on each of these (NO––not just the voices in my head, though those have always proven fruitful). Just you wait––just you wait Linda, you’ll see! All of these are coming sooner than you can possibly imagine––especially if you’re reading this 1,000 years from now, deep in your bunker, waiting out the giant crabs that are no-doubt roaming the earth and establishing their own glorious crustacean empire.

Crowdfund Your Next Chevy Vehicle

Right now, the full potential of the crowdfunding concept is being wasted on video games, art projects, and niche retail goods. As we speak, Chevrolet is working on a new concept to allow crowdfunding a vehicle for individual consumers. The idea is simple: you set up a project for the vehicle you want, people can donate money to the cause, and if you get enough, then you can get your ride.

Of course, like all good crowdfunding projects, there are stretch goals and other milestones you can hit. Meet your base goal, and you’ll get four wheels, a frame, maybe some doors, and an engine. As you reach stretch goals, you get all sorts of goodies like front and rear lamps, tires on the wheels, and even brakes. No longer will you have to fret and worry about how to finance your vehicle––just get a bunch of suckers to buy into your personal story, post updates on the social media app of your choice, and you can have them fund your vehicle for you.

Chevrolet is looking to start this new service sometime either late this year or next. The primary obstacle so far is setting proper stretch goals and figuring out the absolute bare minimum that they can legally call a “vehicle.” Right now, they are working on the project under the codename “GoFundYourself,” but at least one internal memo suggested bringing back the name “Chevrolet-away” (a plan they were working on in the mid-80s that didn’t work out).

Ford Buildsharing Makes Construction Easy

We all know the reason cars are so expensive: greedy workers that want to be paid a decent salary for constructing them. Well, Ford is working on a solution for that: buildsharing. Based on the ridesharing services that have become so popular, Ford is looking to have the construction of their vehicles handled by not only properly trained professional auto workers, but also anyone else looking to kill a few hours.

With the new buildsharing app, you can log in, look for vehicles that are currently being constructed, and tag along for some manual labor. Forget about the need for training, proper tools, learning about safety procedures, and all the other wastes of time that inflate the cost of vehicles. You’ll be able to jump onto an assembly line and get to work in mere minutes. Spend a half-hour or a whole day working on building a new SUV––whatever you want, just log into the app and see what’s available.

At initial deployment, you’ll need to live near a Ford plant or be able to get there in order to take part in buildsharing. Down the line, however, Ford is looking at a fleet of mobile assembly units that will cruise around the busy cities and neighborhoods of America, looking to pick up people on the app and get them to work. Best of all: you’ll only have to pay a minimal fee to log in and get to work!

Drive your Dream with Cadillac Virtual Vehicles

For about as long as the auto industry has existed, having a car that looks amazing and demonstrates your prestige has only been for the significantly wealthy. But not anymore. Looking to reinvent itself, Cadillac is introducing the Virtual Vehicle, built on the latest augmented reality platform.

Anyone simply looking at the car will see a rather plain, boxy number that has all the personality of $5 toaster. When viewed with the still-in-development Cadillac VV app, you’ll see one of a number of fantastical vehicles. Although initial VVs on release will be somewhat limited – including the full lineup of current Cadillac vehicles and a few bonus models, future updates will include not only every Cadillac ever made but much more. Want your car to look like a chariot pulled by a team of winged horses? The Cadillac VV is for you!

Of course, since this only works when viewed through the app, there are some current downsides to this technology. Fortunately, Cadillac is working on a number of solutions to these problems, including functionality with high-tech glasses, increased phone support, and deployment to numerous heads up displays in cars. That means that in a few years, as windshields are replaced with clear displays, you’ll see all manner of fantastical vehicles, creatures, and advertisements driving and flying all around you while on the road. Then… Then you’ll know what it feels like to be a Von Gourdboddum!

Get Ready to Download the Tesla Printmobile!

People hate shopping for cars. You have to leave your house, go to a dealership, interact with other people: it’s a nightmare. Fortunately, Tesla is working on a simple workaround for this horrifying and time-consuming process: The Tesla Printmobile! That’s the name they’re going with… Printmobile!

Yes, it includes the exclamation point; the exclamation point is mandatory. The Tesla Printmobile! will be the world’s first downloadable vehicle. Simply go online, pay an inconspicuous bank located safely in the Caribbean several thousand dollars, and you’ll be able to download the patterns for every component needed in the vehicle. Then just connect to your favorite 3D printer, and away you go! Within 107 days to 10,854 years (depending on the 3D printer you own), you’ll have your very own Printmobile!

Of course, some assembly will be required, not to mention the sanding and liberal application of epoxy to fill gaps and seems, but you’ll skip the hassle of buying a car. As a reclusive shut-in that finds the feel of hard concrete beneath my shoes and warm sun on my face abhorrent, this is truly becoming the best of all possible worlds.

Put a Car in Your Pants

Tired of looking for parking spots and having to leave your car behind when you go into a movie theatre? Well, then good news: the upcoming Chrysler Fold-a-magig is just the car for you. At long last, you’ll feel the warm comfort of having your car safely nestled deep in your pants.

The Chrysler Fold-a-magig will be the world’s first foldable car. Taking a page from the mobile phone handbook, Chrysler is building their car to be able to be folded not once, not twice, not thrice, nor fource (?) but a staggering 849,972 times. Apparently, 849,973 folds would be ridiculous. This allows you to get the Fold-a-magig small enough to fit into your purse or pocket. Of course, it retains its mass and would almost certainly crush you if you tried––but don’t let that stop you!


Editor’s Note: I snuck in and posted this after the editors left for the day. They’d only try to stop me, but now I have a direct line to all of you wonderful people. All of the aforementioned vehicles are 100% real and definitely coming to the market. If any of them aren’t released, it’s almost certainly because the military stepped in and took over the project for their own nefarious deeds. Stay vigilant and demand the Fold-a-magig! You’re welcome.


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