Progressive Church-Group Aims to Restore Value of Pre-Owned Vehicles

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Slut-shaming. Defined as ‘the practice of criticizing those who are perceived to violate expectations of behavior and appearance regarding issues related to sexuality,’ slut-shaming has become a significant hot-button topic in recent years. Related to more than just discussions of casual sex, slut-shaming has also been tied to expectations of birth control, deviation from dress codes and even the negative connotations of owning used cars. Railed against by more than just radical feminists, the push to banish slut-shaming practices from our daily lives is motivated by the belief that one’s sexuality shouldn’t be restricted by…wait a minute…what was that part about used cars?

The Lemon was recently contacted by a progressive women’s group from Albuquerque, NM. Identifying themselves as the First Unitarian Church of the Quivering Libido, the representatives identified themselves as Ruth Calabasas, ‘Easy’ Edith Ayres and the widow-maker Lorraine Mays-Mcallister. As the primary spokesperson for the trio, the latter, explained that the independently-run church offered, “a community of loving support for women of all ages who might otherwise be shunned for their open expression of sexuality”.

“Everyone knows that Albuquerque is known for four things,” offers Calabasas, sporting a fun floral-banded fedora. “(i) scary penciled-in Latina eyebrows (ii) craft-beer hipsters (iii) easy women and (iv) small used car dealerships.”

Easy Edith agrees. “I ain’t afraid of much, but I’m not going to mess with some chola who’ll cut me for criticizing her jacked up makeup. And I know that I can outdrink any of those bearded pussies hanging around outside a brewery, waiting for a vegan food truck to arrive. But I’ll never understand why so much judgment is directed towards free sexuality and used cars. I’m 86-years old and since 1949 I’ve managed to take it in pretty much every hole that I have, and I’ve had a great time doing it. Maybe that’s why I prefer used cars over new…it shouldn’t matter who sat behind the wheel before you, as long as you like the way it rides!”

“It’s 2018 for Christ’s sake,” exclaimed an exasperated ‘widow-maker.’ “There’s nothing wrong with a healthy libido, and there’s nothing wrong with buying a pre-owned car. Hell, I still drive a ’71 Cadillac that I bought at a celebrity auction in 1976. Why did I buy it? Because we had something in common. We had both been driven by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin in the summer of ’72.”

Truth be told, the team here at The Lemon was left rather speechless by our conversation with these three empowered women. Maybe we do need to be more open-minded. Just because a person is sexually-enlightened doesn’t mean that they’re unclean, or undeserving of interest. And maybe the same really does apply to used vehicles, as well.

That said, it might be best not to take a black light to Lorraine Mays-Mcallister’s ’71 Cadillac. And now that we’re thinking about it, it might be best to leave your blacklight at home if you’re planning to explore used car inventories. We’re not judging, but…ewwwwww….

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