While you could inevitably travel the fifty states and find countless drivers enamored with the 2018 Jeep Renegade – Colorado Springs, CO might be one of the few geographies where the buzz is slightly less positive.
“In focus groups scattered across the country, the Renegade has received an incredibly warm reception,” shares Michael Manley, Fiat-Chrysler’s appointed overseer of the Jeep brand. “Considering the popularity of the Jeep brand in the state of Colorado, we would have expected the in-state response to our 2018 model year offering to be just as enthusiastic.”
The popularity that Mr. Manley refers to is an inarguable link between Jeep’s reputation of offroad capabilities and what many think of as the ‘Colorado lifestyle’. With the state’s countless parks, trails and opportunities to put a Jeep’s versatility to use, it’s hard to argue with the connotation. But while the likes of the Jeep Wrangler remain forever implanted in the cultural mindset of Colorado’s outdoor enthusiasts, it appears that the Jeep Renegade will not fare as well.
Meet Zach Billings who, for five years, has served as the Chief Operations Officer for the Colorado Springs Wastewater Treatment Facility.
According to Mr. Billings, the facility processes approximately 180 million gallons of wastewater on a daily basis, making it one of the largest facilities in the state of Colorado.
“That’s a lot of sh*t,” he shares candidly. “And since we are bound by both state and federal regulation, we are required by the EPA to run countless tests to document and quantify the content of the waste we receive, and what we return to the environment. While this is certainly understandable, the need exposed a significant flaw in the standardization of such protocol. Specifically, there were no standards of measurement for the consistency of solid waste content. In layman’s terms, the facility needed a better way to classify sh*t.”
In an attempt to bolster morale, management had first offered employees the chance to participate in an in-house contest to come up with the best classification system. The response was minimal.
‘It’s kind of a sh*tty job,” shared Head Poopologist, Tracy Survilas. “It’s a constant barrage of blown-out O rings, data floods and endless TP reports. We don’t have time for that kind of crap. We only have time for actual crap.”
With no other options, Billings was forced to create his own method. His inspiration?
“I f*cking hate Jeeps. And not just one in particular. Every Jeep is a piece of shit. and that’s when I knew I’d found my classification system.”
“Like the Compass. That’s your normal run-of-the-mill bowel movement by someone with a healthy diet. You know where you’ve been. You know where you’re going.”
“Then there’s the Wrangler. It probably comes from someone who needs more hydration and roughage, because it tends to clump.”
“Like it’s historical namesake, the Cherokee is wild and free. It probably shows up the morning after a night out…especially for people who like Budweiser. Which brings us to the Grand Cherokee, which is similar but far larger in terms of mass. Probably the result of someone who likes both Budweiser and Food Trucks.”
Which brings us to the Renegade.
“Ever eat Hot Wings? I mean really hot wings, and probably a ton of them! Chances are, someone called you a p*ssy because they heard you talking about Grey’s Anatomy, and you’re like, “I’ll show you who’s a p*ssy!” so you eat like forty-something hot wings. Then, the next day, you feel like someone exploded a chemical hand warmer in your rectum because it’s leaking what may or may not be bloody lava? Yeah, that’s the Renegade.”
Unfortunately, the Freedom of Information Act required that the new classification system be made public. Needless to say, sales have dropped significantly for the Jeep Renegade.
