Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rutherfjord Von Gourdboddum, and tonight I’m going to share with you some insider information from within the auto industry. This is a story that very few people know, one that the industry doesn’t want you to hear, and that will undoubtedly change the way you view the world forever. Whether you’re looking for new or used Ram trucks for sale, you’re simply an auto enthusiast, or you found this site because you can’t sleep and you accidentally stumbled upon this article while looking for this “lemon party” you’ve heard so much about, strap yourself in and prepare for a tale, unlike anything you’ve ever heard before.
Before we go any further, however, I must warn you that what you’re about to read will be quite shocking. Some may even describe it as disturbing, or the “enraged ravings of a half-drunk lunatic that escaped from West Cobbleton Home for the Deranged.” Whatever the case may be, I assure you that what follows is quite true, and everything I’m about to detail for your reading pleasure did, in fact, happen.
Now that you’ve been warned, on to the show…
Chapter One – The Dodge Ram
Many people know that the Dodge Ram pickup truck was introduced in October of 1980. If this is shocking to you, then you have a very low bar for what one would consider to be surprising, and I have to wonder how you’ve made it this far in life. That’s not the traumatic part of this story; this is just the foundation: things start normal and become strange. That’s how story structure works, you see.
First designed by Wilfred Porkman, the Dodge Ram pickup was a powerful and affordable addition to the growing truck market of the 1980s. It gained immediate popularity and success for having a short, simple name that people could easily remember. Plus, the fact that the name seems to contain a subtle, inherent oxymoron – or perhaps orders given to a pedestrian and the driver in subsequent order – made it quite the charmer in the auto industry.
The first generation of the Dodge Ram lasted from 1981 to 1993, with the second generation running from 1994 to 2002. During this time, there were numerous changes and upgrades to the Ram, as one might expect. For one thing, the original dog-fur interior was replaced in the second generation with a genuine hog tongue. To this day, collectors often seek those first-generation models for the luxurious feel and unparalleled sophistication of golden retriever fur. The third generation went from 2002 to 2009, and that’s when things changed.
Chapter Two – The Ram Pickup
Most people will tell you that the modern Ram pickup got its start in 2009 with the “fourth” generation of the truck. The first thing you’ll notice when looking at these vehicles is that “Dodge” was dropped starting with these models, and it became the Ram pickup that we all know and love today. What you might not realize, however, and it’s perfectly understandable if you don’t know about this, is that something went terribly wrong prior to the release of the Ram truck.
Officially, the development of the fourth-generation Ram truck started in 2007, with the efforts of a man named Colpris O’Fallorey. The story goes – at least according to Ram pickup historians – that O’Fallorey had been a Dodge Ram driver for decades when he fell asleep at the wheel one night and drove into a ditch. Striking his head upon the steering wheel, he dreamt a dream that could not possibly be. He dreamt of a Ram truck, free of the Dodge name, designed to be a truck people would actually want.
The reality of the Ram pickup’s development, however, goes far beyond the late-night stupor of a supposed engineering student. It’s far darker and more terrible than anything as simple and polite as all that.
Chapter Three – Something Lost
In truth, what was introduced in 2009 was the fifth generation Ram pickup, not the fourth. The fourth generation went into development not long after the third generation was introduced. According to my sources, initial designs for the all-new Ram truck started in the autumn of 2005; the project was overseen by a woman named Felicia Brafflebumst. Ms. Brafflebumst had graduated from a prestigious engineering school at the age of 17 and was hired into the auto industry to reinvigorate the stagnant car designs of the early 2000s.
Her work was more than bold and refreshing; it was revolutionary. I’ve seen surviving documents, sketches that she made, depicting massive vehicles larger than whole cityscapes. According to one person I talked to (he asked to remain anonymous but Mr. Coleweather – that’s Arthur’s first name, my anonymous source that worked with Ms. Brafflebumst, is trustworthy), she would sleep at the design facility and draw out her sketches while somnambular.
Ms. Brafflebumst’s designs were based on the horrifying dreamscapes that she witnessed during her slumber. It’s said that she wanted to change the way cars are made from the very ground up. According to one source that I talked to, her vision for the fourth generation Ram pickup was a monstrous vehicle, powered by some 10,000 humans imprisoned deep within its iron bowels. It would roll on wheels the size of mountains, grinding whole continents to dust beneath its baleful treads and inescapable onslaught.
From what I’ve heard, Ram was enthusiastic about her designs, and more and more funding was channeled to her department. Then, in a single night, it all came apart. No one now lives that witnessed exactly what happened, but those few surviving people that heard the event have described it, while properly medicated, as “the great unwinding.” On the night of February 14th, 2006, the design studio of Ms. Brafflebumst imploded inward and was consumed down to a singularity, which annihilated itself. The sounds of the event, I’ve been told, were symphonic.
Chapter Four – Something Found
Reeling from the disaster, Ram managed to put together a team of “qualified” engineers that scrapped what remained of Ms. Brafflebumst’s work and went in a more traditional direction. While internally, they all knew they had developed a fifth-generation pickup, they officially referred to it as the fourth generation for the Ram truck. Apparently, the move to drop the “Dodge” name was largely due to the fact that whenever they drew a design with the words “Dodge Ram” on it, it would begin to whisper to them softly about the feel of cool sand against their toes, and the shadowy embrace of the ocean’s floor.
We could’ve been gifted with a vision of automotive atrocity. Instead, we got another truck.
Epilogue – A Lovely Flame
But all has not been lost. I’ve heard increasing rumblings of displeasure within Ram’s offices and concerns that their pickup is losing against their competition. According to one report I’ve read, efforts are now underway to design a new generation in keeping with the “grand vision” of Ms. Brafflebumst and her “divine” muse. Working from those few sketches that survived the apocalyptic fate of her engineering team, the new generation could truly be something bold and new for the auto industry.
Only time will tell…
Editor’s Note: We reached out to Ram for comment about this story, and we received the following statement: “No one named Felicia Brafflebumst works, or has ever worked, for Chrysler LLC or our Ram trucks division. Any attempts to prove that Ms. Brafflebumst existed will be considered slander against Chrysler LLC, and publication of her work is in violation of numerous copyrights held by us. Please return any images or nightmares you may have experienced due to your research to our offices immediately, or face legal action both immediate and esoteric.” We have complied with this request to the best of our ability and suggest you do the same. Thank you.