According to Dr. Peter Wang, scientists at the University of Bethesda MD have reported that they are fast-approaching the long-awaited results of their groundbreaking study on the correlation between used Ford vehicles and sexual dysfunction. While Dr. Wang isn’t one of the researchers involved in the study, he is a staunch follower of its progress since he (i) drives a pre-owned Ford Focus, and (ii) has been burdened with a flaccid member since purchasing the vehicle in 2015.
“I used to have no problem performing sexually,” he explains. “While doing most of my undergraduate work, I lived on campus where we were not allowed to have vehicles of our own. During that time, I was primarily focused on my studies and research, but had a decent social life by nerd standards. In those four years, I slept with three women..and had sex with two of them…at least one time each. Once I graduated, I knew I needed to purchase a vehicle and bought a used Ford Focus. Almost instantly the well went dry; and even if I could have found a woman interested in me, I would have been unable to perform.”
Based on the initial research which earned the study its funding, it is estimated that three out of every five Ford owners will suffer from sexual dysfunction. Affecting both men and women, the only owners who seem to be exempt seem to be Ford truck customers. All other subjects making up the research group reported a sharp decline in sexual interest, veracity, and ability to reach climax within less than 90 days of purchase.
We spoke to Itza Brittany-Bisch, research assistant for the study, who shared that, “Ford Induced Sexual Dysfunction (FISD) is very real. Not only do 60% of Ford owners experience it, but any owner of a Ford car, crossover or SUV who says that they don’t is lying to you. Trust us. There is no way that some dude in a C-Max is able to maintain an erection. And there’s no way that a woman who drives something as god-awful ugly as a Ford Flex can get wet. Studies show that it’s like southwestern Alburquerque down there…tumbleweeds and all.”
“Hopefully, the results of our study will expose the health concerns associated with this ever-growing disorder. Sex, both recreational and reproductive, is an important component of any life worth living. Granted, there’s bound to some concern as to the Ford enthusiasts reproducing. Is it really necessary? With Ford planning to wipe out their entire lineup of cars to make way for better designs, maybe it would be best if we just let existing Ford owners die out. Then again, who are we to play God?”
Who indeed?
While countless Ford owners will be awaiting the test results with bated breath, researchers are recommending that singles proceed with caution. Best practice is to nonchalantly confirm a person’s vehicle before agreeing to a second date. Failure to do so might leave you riding some sort of squish-toy, or spelunking between two Utah rock faces in early August.
(Editors Note: Yes, those were metaphors for sex…)
