I tend to look at dozens of car reviews each day. Regardless of the particular model that I’m researching, I’ll always find some egregious testimonials mixed in with all of the positive reviews. Sometimes, these complaints are warranted. For instance, maybe performance isn’t all it was touted to be, or maybe there’s a worrisome mechanical problem that’s popping up in several cars.

However, it’s more common to find that these negative reviews are criticizing the smaller, most minute shit. I’ve compiled some of the more egregious reviews below, and you’ll quickly find that you’re rolling your eyes when a driver claims their Audi is a lemon because he keeps losing phone calls.

In fact, I took it one step further. I responded to their individuals with a response to their criticism. While they’ll surely never see this, it at least makes me feel a bit better to call these boneheads out on their critiques. Before long, you’ll be finding that you want to do the same…


2017 Audi A4: Spillage

“I drive a 2017 Audi A4. Recently, the programmable radio buttons and MMI began to malfunction. I brought it in for service expecting a repair under warranty and was told that the problem was “likely” due to liquids spilling onto the buttons, not covered by the warranty. I would tend to agree with this diagnosis BECAUSE the radio buttons are positioned directly next to the cup holders. It is almost impossible to avoid spilling liquid into the buttons because of this design. Even the motion of the car with a cup of liquid in the holder could easily cause liquid to spill into the radio buttons. Nevertheless, this is clearly a design flaw with the center console. I have been a computer engineer since 1983, therefore, my ability to recognize a user interface design issue is my business. But it doesn’t take an engineer to recognize the poor design of the center console.”

Listen, I can understand if a vehicle’s cup holders aren’t strategically placed in an interior. However, mister reviewer: get real. It’s your clumsy fault for constantly spilling beverages all over the interior of your ride. I have an innovative idea! Instead of trashing the 2017 Audi A4, why don’t you pursue a sippy cup? Or, even more innovative, maybe you should ditch drinking while driving altogether. If you’re not capable of keeping liquid in its cup, you actually probably shouldn’t be operating a vehicle, either.


2017 Audi Q7: Rattling (?)

Poorly made, bad fit and finish in interior. Horrible rattling after only 1500 mi. God knows what this car will sound like a year from now. This car was rushed to market, not ready for primetime. If you do not mind a car that will rattle over every bump, then this is your car, But if that sort of thing bothers you?- RUN don’t’ buy

I have two thoughts here. First, a new car surely could have some worrisome rattling sound, but this may not be specific with the nameplate (rather, it may be specific to your specific car). Second, if your vehicle is experiencing mechanical issues, why are you running to the internet to make your complaints? Instead, you should be visiting a mechanic and getting the car fixed up. News flash: vehicles aren’t going to work perfectly. They’re going to require some work. Instead of giving a half-hearted opinion on the internet, maybe you should focus on actually repairing your ride.


2016 Audi A6: Dropped Calls

This is my third A6. I loved my other two and actually went to a new dealership for the third and had a wonderfully helpful salesperson. The third one is the best looking of my three and I was so ready to love it. I hate it. Literally, the worst car I have had since my first BMW 7 series…the phone system and voice activation never get names rights and I constantly lose calls that I am able to keep when driving the same route in my wife’s Mercedes. I have been on the phone with ‘Audi Experience’ no less than 20 times. I have been through endless fights with service where I can demonstrate what is not working, take screenshots and they admit they cannot fix it. The regional service rep was going to call his software guy in Germany except the guy was on vacation. I think I will need to look into ‘lemon law’ protection as this is intolerable.”

Let’s be clear here, the term “lemon” is reserved for vehicles that have some nefarious mechanical issue. Ultimately, these cars refuse to operate, leaving the owner with few options. However, the term “lemon” shouldn’t be used when your phone integration system isn’t working properly. Technology can sometimes be finicking and hard to use. Considering all of the owners who have had success with the 2016 Audi A6’s phone-calling capabilities, I’m going to assume the issue is attributed to the user. Furthermore, have you considered simply resetting the entire unit? That might solve some of your issues… although certainly not all of them.


2016 Audi Q3: Rides like a Taxi

“After a year the shock absorbers are basically dead. You drive an Audi and it feels like an NYC taxi! I just did the 15k service at Audi But they claim the car is fine. Clearly, there is an issue with this Q3. Buyer beware!!”

Sir! It is offensive to compare any vehicle to a New York City taxi, much less a 2016 Audi Q3. NYC Taxis are full of grime and body odor, and their mechanical aspects are worse off than Pat Sajak’s plastic face. If the expert technicians claimed that the shock absorbers were adequate, we’re confident they were in fine condition (after all, the dealership would presumably rather not deal with the headache). Sure, it’s realistic that the parts could have compromised over time, but I’m particularly confident that you’re not the type of person who can recognize this discrepancy.


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