Satanic Cult Diversifies, Opening RAM Dealership “For the Hell of It”

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Satanic Pentagram over Ram truck, on black

Do you like Satanists? Whether or not you realize it, the answer is probably ‘yes’. Surprised? Most people are. Because a recent study shows that modern Satanists rival Roman Catholics in number, meaning that a good number of your friends, family and loved ones might actually worship the Dark Lord Baphomet. The difference is Satanists (unlike Christians, Vegans, Crossfitters and Atheists) don’t feel the need to talk about it all the time. Many just want to go about their business, living, loving, raising a family or opening up a RAM dealership near me. That’s right, in fact, most car dealerships are run by active and devout members of the Satanic Church, with one standing out in particular. So, if you’re looking for a new (or new to you) RAM pickup truck, well, count on great service and selection from Seven Tenets of Satan RAM (formerly ‘Seven Tenets of Satan CDJR’).

Andy “Anton” Laird is the general manager of the dealership, an active member of the Satanic Church, Michael Buble’s self-proclaimed “Biggest Fan” and a founding member of his Wednesday night darts league, “The Horney Tossers”. With his clean-shaven head and manicured facial hair, and otherworldly black clothing it’s easy to understand why some people are uncomfortable around him. He carries the weight of a religion that makes it beneficial to keep one’s affiliation with said religion a secret, and yet Andy Laird has no interest in doing so.

“We need to break the stigma,” he explains, polishing a ceremonial dagger on the modest and tasteful upholstery of a 2015 Certified RAM 1500. “ People take one look at me and misjudge me, all the time. Sometimes I’ll see someone kicking tires out here on my lot, and I think, wow…I have the perfect truck for that couple. But despite my eagerness to meet and help them, one look at my cloven goat leggings and suddenly I’m no longer a trusted resource. Satanism has nothing do with supernatural devil nonsense. It may be a pragmatic and carnal religion, but it’s about balance and honesty with one’s true self. And listen, all I want to do is find the right financing option that’s going to put you behind the wheel of your new truck. How’s that for transparency?”

But what brought this devout Satanist to the automotive game? “Well, pardon the pun, but I just figured, “What the hell?” At first, I tried to run a full Chrysler Dodge Jeep Ram dealership, but I scaled it down last year once people started making weird connections. I’d be at work and walk up to some horsepower junkie, wanting to get behind the wheel of an 840-hp Dodge Challenger SRT and say, ‘Yeah. I can feel the Demon inside of you.’”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “Maybe it was too ‘on the nose’. Or maybe it was the fact that I whispered it from behind while breathing on his neck. Or maybe it was my albino contact lenses. Or maybe it was the fact that I was shirtless with my nipple clamps being pulled in different directions by a pair of black lambs. My point is, I knew I couldn’t keep pushing cars like the Demon and Hellcat.”

“At least now, I can focus on the trucks. Sales are up, which is good. And I still get to surround myself with the magnificent visage of the mighty RAM, it’s majestic horns displayed for all to see. Plus we offer unbeatable holiday pricing on the vernal equinox, Ostara, Walpurgisnacht (the founding of the Church of Satan), summer solstice, autumnal equinox, Halloween, and Yuletide, winter solstice, Saturnalia and New Year’s Eve.”

(Editor’s Note: This is when Mr. Laird apologized for any discomfort we might be feeling because he was whispering on our neck, from behind. No apologies were needed. We were more uncomfortable by the dozens of pairs of vinyl clad hands that seemed to come out of nowhere and caress our bodies. That said, it was getting dark, so we decided to get out of there before the Hellmouth opened and things started to get weird.)

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