Ladies, has this ever happened to you? You’re enjoying a nice evening, maybe spending some time with a new fella who’s been sliding into your DMs, and suddenly things go south. Maybe he put his hand on your knee when you clearly weren’t interested, maybe he told you how much prettier you’d be if you smiled more, or maybe you just needed to blow off some steam. Whatever the reason, a half-hour of blackout blind-rage passes, and suddenly you find yourself with a dead body that you need to dispose of; now you can’t help but wonder whether the 2021 Ram 1500 vs 2021 Chevy Silverado 1500 would best help you take care of this situation.
Hi, I’m Rutherfjord Von Gourdboddum, and if you’re not a longtime reader of mine, then I’ll understand if you think I can’t possibly know the problems facing the modern woman. But I’m here to tell you that I do understand, and I’ve spent some time considering the best options available to you when you find yourself in one of these uncomfortable “oopsie” moments. So don’t you worry your pretty little head about a thing; I’m going to let you know which truck will best meet your needs.
Math is Fun
Before I can help you figure out which truck is better for disposing of a dead body, it’s important that we run through a few numbers real quick. When working with this kind of data, I find it’s best to use the Bateman Dead-Hooker Scale (BDHS) as a baseline, and if you’re a longtime reader of mine, then you know I work with the 2012 Standards (3rd Revision). Since we’re talking about disposing of a man’s body, I’m going to use the information found in Chapter 7, “The Gigolo Scale.”
We need to determine the volume of a dead body, which is easy to do: volume is the mass of something divided by its density. The average density of a human body is 8.3 lbs/gal, and we can use the “Standard Gigolo” tables in Chapter 7 to determine that the average weight of a male prostitute is about 200 lbs. Even if you’re not paying for your company this evening, we’ll still go with this number – keep in mind that 180 lbs might be more appropriate if he hasn’t eaten well in some time.
A little napkin math reveals that this means our average man takes up about 24 gallons of volume, or about 3.2 cu.ft. of space. Please bear in mind that this is a really reductive view, and this will depend on if you’re keeping your gentleman in one piece or not. But this information will still be useful later on.
The Single-Body Problem
If you just have one guy you need to dispose of, then honestly either one of these trucks can do a great job of it. Both of these models have a crew cab with plenty of seating inside, so they’re great options if you want to prop up your guy to keep you company on your drive to the dump (bonus: you get to use the carpool lane!). In fact, both of these models have seating for up to six people, so if you’ve had a really wild night and need to deal with five bodies, you’ll be in good shape with either of them.
You might not want your new friends riding shotgun up front with you, however, and prefer loading up the bed instead. This is where the Silverado does shine a bit: with the available long bed, you get about 89 cu.ft. of cargo space compared to 61 cu.ft. of space at most in the Ram. That means if you’re not worried about keeping things whole, you can potentially get a lot more bodies loaded into the bed of the Silverado 1500. Which brings us to…
So you’re out with the girls, having a big weekend, or maybe a rowdy bachelorette party, and things get out of hand. Now you find yourself with a dozen or more blokes who got out of line (or maybe y’all were simply bored, I don’t judge) that you need to dispose of. That long box for the Chevy Silverado can potentially handle about 27 bodies in total volume, while the Ram 1500 tops out at just 19 dead gigolos.
What about a trailer that you need to really cram full of corpses? Well, the Chevy Silverado has a maximum towing capacity of up to 13,300 lbs. while the Ram 1500 can pull up to 12,750 lbs. behind it. Assuming you’re using the same trailer in either case, you might be able to haul three more corpses behind the Silverado 1500 compared to the Ram pickup. Are you going to really use this difference? You tell me.
So Which is Better?
As you can see, at the end of the day, both trucks work really well for getting rid of however many bodies you find yourself dealing with. Tinder match you met up with turns out to be a creep? The Ram 1500 is there for you. Husband says you’re turning into your mother? The Chevy Silverado will happily usher him unto his final resting place. No matter which truck you choose, what matters most is that you have the confidence of knowing you can handle anything life throws at you. Including a dozen dead man-whores.
Editor’s Note: We reached out to both Ram and Chevy to see if they had any comments about the accuracy of this article. As of publication, they have not returned our email requests, and it seems they have blocked our phone number. Linda, in HR, says she may need to check out the claims in this article through real-world testing, and she was nice enough to invite some of the guys from the office over for a BBQ this weekend. Thank you.