Since the dawn of time, humanity has been driven by a number of basic needs: food, shelter, and a mind-numbing desire to gyrate aggressively upon one another. This fundamental aspect of our very being has not been overlooked or ignored by those in business; as they say, “sex sells,” and so we see sexuality and the sensual nature of our lives utilized in business and marketing all the time. With this in mind, I thought I’d take a look at the 2021 Ram 1500 vs 2021 Ford F-150 to see which one of them is the sexier model.
It’s worth prefacing the following with one important note: above all other things, I’m a wordsmith and a man driven by a lust for language. So I’m not going to look at the sinuous curves of these trucks, their voluptuous headlights, or the gleaming sparkle of their exhaust tips to see how they compare. I’ll leave that to other, more distinguished degenerates. No, today, I’m going to take you on an erotic journey of language and see how the words used regarding these two trucks paints a portrait of lascivious pleasures.
The Ram 1500
First things first, the 2021 Ram 1500 already has the advantage simply with its name: Ram. I mean, c’mon! It might not be the sexiest word in the English language, but it’s certainly evocative and makes a statement. It lets you know that they’re here, they mean business, and you should prepare your body accordingly.
Beyond this name, however, there are also a number of different trims and models available for the Ram 1500. This is pretty common, but what’s uncommon are the names that their designers and marketing team have chosen for these various trim levels. It’s a smorgasbord of carnal delights as you look at the lineup and try to maintain control over yourself. Let’s take a look…
Tradesman – We’re off to a pretty good start here with a name that fills me with all sorts of depraved ideas. I’d prefer if they dropped the pretext and just called it the “Rough Tradesman” but I suppose Ram has to leave something to the imagination.
Big Horn – Oh my! Forget about pretext; with this trim level they’re just coming right out with it and letting us know what to expect. I believe in truth in advertising, so I’m going to assume that it can deliver on this promise.
Laramie – I wasn’t sure about this one because the name threw me off. A bit of online sleuthing, however, revealed that a “Laramie” is when a lady [censored] her [censored] and then [censored] [censored] [censored] all over [censored] [censored]. So yeah, that’s pretty impressive.
Rebel – Although not as overtly sensual as many of the other trim names, we all know that rebellious figures are attractive. This was also my second wife’s safe word so that probably has some extra appeal for me.
Limited Longhorn – Just in case the “Big Horn” wasn’t enough, here we take things a step further and longer. The name would also suggest that it’s in short supply, so if you want that long thing, you better go for it!
Limited – Less evocative than the previous ones, this is fine. Guess every vehicle lineup needs to give us a chance to cool down.
After all of those, I’m going to need a minute, and then we’ll look at the Ford truck.
The Ford F-150
The raw, sexual nature of the Ram 1500 can’t be denied, but what about the bestselling Ford pickup? Cue the sad horn sound. First of all, the name: F-150 – there’s nothing sensual or compelling about that. It’s utterly utilitarian, and when I’m looking at trucks to see which one will fill me with the desire to make sweet love to their chassis, the F-150 does nothing for me.
So the Ram definitely has the advantage. But I want to be fair, so let’s look at the different trim names for the Ford F-150, just as we did with the Ram.
XL – If we read this as meaning “Extra Large,” then this isn’t bad. They seem to be playing a bit coy about it, though, which I’m sure is some people’s thing. Really comes up short of something like the “Big Horn” though.
XLT – Now Ford is just being too shy and subtle for their own good. Is this supposed to be erotic or not? For my taste, it really feels lacking.
Platinum – This is okay in a “$500 gets you into the Platinum Club for extras that we can’t do in the Champagne Room” kind of way. But overall, I’m not really into it.
Not great Ford, not great.
Which Is Sexier?
I think the evidence pretty well speaks for itself. The Ram 1500 has a far more compelling name to begin with, followed by some of the downright filthiest trim levels I’ve ever seen. It’s a carnival of deviant splendors for the adventurous driver, and it’s no surprise that so many people have chosen the Ram 1500 as their favorite truck year after year. If it can leave them as satisfied as the names would suggest, then no wonder so many drivers prefer to honk Ram’s long horn.
Editor’s Note: We’re going to need a few minutes after reading this to get ourselves cooled off. Please send any complaints you might have to us in an email. We’d like to encourage you to be explicit as you describe what upset you and how it made your body react – pictures would be very-much appreciated. Thank you.