Scientists Link Spousal Indecisiveness to SUV Craze

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A man with a check mark in one hand and an x in the other is trying to make a decision with his girlfriend.

Cambridge MA – If you and your significant other are debating the 2019 Chevy Equinox vs 2019 Kia Sportage, you might be exhibiting the early signs of a failing relationship; according to Harvard researchers, anyway….

We’ve all been there.

Regardless of our gender, that of our partner, or the respective roles that we play within the confines of our own households there is one unavoidable scenario which afflicts all of us at some point or another. And while the phenomenon is not exclusive to those who are married, or cohabitate, couples who exist within those conditions are exponentially more likely to come to face with the crippling indecision of where to go for dinner.

Historically, the exchange goes something like this, after a mutually trying day for both parties…

A man has his hands covering his eyes while his frustrated girlfriend glares at him.

PARTY A
-Hey (Honey/Babe/Sweetie/etc) why don’t we go out for dinner tonight. What sounds good to you?
PARTY B
-Sounds great. And I’m good with whatever.
PARTY A (jokingly)
-I asked you, first.
PARTY B (dismissively)
-I honestly don’t care.
PARTY A (pauses to think)
-Well, what about (name of restaurant)?
PARTY B (non-committal)
-Whatever.
PARTY A (thinking they made the wrong suggestion)
-Well, what about (name of 2nd restaurant)?
PARTY B (quick-to-answer)
-Ugh. I’m sick of there.
And the cycle of indecisiveness continues…

Unfortunately, an inability to find common ground can prove problematic for couples because it destabilizes the relationship at a foundational level. On the small scale, an inability to agree on dinner indicates a potential disconnect in shared interests, preferences and personal tastes. On a larger scale, an inability to agree on major issues indicates a lack of willingness to compromise, evolve and grow together. And all too often, it results in both parties settling for an outcome that neither one is enthusiastic about, because that outcome represents the path of least resistance.

A dangerous example of such ‘settling’ is the ‘decision’ made by any couple to invest in a sensible crossover SUV. While the journey to such a decision will be different depending on the couple, it’s highly likely that (at least) one of the parties is not enthused about the purchase. And considering that a vehicle represents one of the most significant investments within any marriage, it’s easy to view a crossover as the root cause of many divorces. And Harvard seems to be in agreement, having formed a think-tank of psycho-behavioral and sociological researchers to study the phenomenon.

“With automakers rebuilding their lineups around crossovers, it’s important that we understand the potential risk,” explains Dr. Nils Svensson. “Because not only is the entire automotive landscape getting a facelift, but we’re seeing an increase in divorces, and a widespread decision not to get married in the first place. This represents a significant change in our societal makeup, dissolution of the family unit which we can connect to emotional instability, addiction and crime. So, we’d be blind not to recognize any correlations, since civilizational decay could eventually lead to global extinction. And someday, our descendants might trace the demise of humanity to the Kia Sportage.”

An older man is holding a book and leaning against a bookcase.
Dr. Nils Svensson, holding a book. Did he write it? Who knows. Does he own all those books? Who cares?

But some of the married participants of the Harvard studies disagree.

Kate and Amy Berman, for example, have been married for 17 years and are the current owners of a Ford Flex. “We made the decision together to buy the Flex,” explained Amy, as her partner silently shook her head behind her to communicate a lack of agreement. Kate then went on to mime the manner in which Amy had worn her down over the course of months, followed by her elaborate plan to murder Amy in her sleep.

And that was all we needed to see. So if you value your relationship, do yourself a favor and don’t jump on the crossover bandwagon. And if you’ve been pressured by your partner to settle for a vehicle that you don’t like, remember, giving in could mean the accelerated destruction of all mankind. Do you really want that on your conscious, all for a RAV4?

(We didn’t think so…)

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