“(She Loves) My Tiny Penis” Hits No. 1 on Country Charts!

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Lifted truck with truck accessories, man with guitar, woman on phone

Nashville, TN – Country Music is a funny thing. On the one hand, you have some of the finest songwriting and musicianship in history, depicting the plight of the rural American everyman. On the other hand, that somehow devolved into a weird combination of pandering lyrics, bedazzled denim, and songs about topics as trite as truck accessories. But just when you thought Country Music couldn’t get further out of touch with the reality of its source material, it seems that it may have just realigned itself.

Meet 18-year old Rhett Buhstuff.

Looking back at his youth, Rhett can’t recall a time in his life when music wasn’t the most important thing to him. According to his mother, Gypsy, Rhett picked up a guitar as soon as he could sit upright. In no time, he began to compose music, and she even claims that he was writing structured lyrics by the time he was enrolled in Kindergarten. Although never an avid fan of modern country music, that changed in 2012 when he heard “Cruise” the debut (and diamond-certified) ‘bro-country’ single from Florida Georgia Line.

Not sure if you’ve heard the song? Don’t worry. Situational Amnesia is the human brain’s way of minimizing any damage caused by traumatic experiences. It just means that, at some point, you probably HAVE heard the song but your mind is protecting you from the horror of acknowledging the existence of something so terrible. But I digress…

Fast-forward six years and Rhett Buhstuff is poised to reinvigorate the Country Music scene, with his breakout album titled ‘My Truth.’ Influenced by the music of Florida Georgia Line (which Rolling Stone magazine has described as, “the super-douchiest kick in the ear-nuts that money can buy” and “the musical equivalent of an Ed Hardy shirt”) Rhett claims that his eleven track album is “an honest depiction of his life, as it stands right now: partying, drinking, pretty ladies and my truck”.

The truck in question is a lifted RAM pickup (so heavily modified that you can no longer tell the model year) which Rhett calls, “The Panty Raider.”

According to the budding superstar, “This album is a chance for me look inwards and reflect. I mean, I don’t just want to write a song about some ‘girl who loves me for my truck’! I want to write a song about how a ‘girl that loves me for my truck must be an accepting soul because, just like any oversized modded pick-up, the truck is my way of overcompensating for my tiny penis.’

While certainly a departure from traditional country music themes, critics are calling the 1st single on the album, “Brave. Like super brave. But kind of weird that he’d want to say this kind of thing out loud,”

“It’s like I said before,” Buhstuff explains. “I’m trying to speak my truth here. I’ve accepted that mine ain’t the biggest Weiner on the grill. Hell, I’d probably be embarrassed doing my business in a trough next to a six-year-old baseball fan. But hell, I know I ain’t alone in Baby Gherkinville! And why should I be ashamed? To everyman out there driving around in way more truck than you need, I say ‘Step Forward! Let’s get rid of the stigma.”

But it appears there might be some confusion regarding the song, which has reached No. 1 on Billboard’s Country Music Charts in record time. Many fans believe that the song is about his truck, and Buhstuff’s record label wants to keep it that way.

“We just wish he’d shut up,” explains label VP, Red E. Abbott. “No-one cares. It’s a fun song about a truck. No need to go and spoil that fun! It’s like that old bible story about the Asian family who had to keep their midget baby a secret. What’s the morale? Just because you got the littlest Wang, doesn’t mean you gotta go tell everyone about it.”

We asked a Country Superstar (who has requested anonymity, trust us, it’s not Luke Bryan) what (t)he(y) thought about the song. “I really don’t care,” (t)he(y) said, laughing. “As long as people are talking about it, they’re ignoring the fact that all my songs and concert performances are Super-Rapey! Sing about that tiny dick a’ yours, boy! Yeeeeeee Hawwwww!”

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