The auto industry is a complicated place. For one thing, it’s not really a place; so much as it’s a collection of businesses, each competing with each other while also working together in secret to ensure none of them surpass the others by an unreasonable degree. That’s why, when you look at a couple of vehicles like the 2020 Chevy Colorado vs 2020 Toyota Tacoma, you see that while they have some differences, it’s not like one of them is a rocket-powered, laser-guided hypno-sled driven by monkeys while the other is a normal pickup. No, they’re pretty similar.
Every now and again, however, one manufacturer will take a step and go the extra mile in developing their next vehicle. We see this sort of jump ahead in the industry, and then all the rest of their competitors start scrambling to keep up and follow suit. One such development is becoming visible, just over the horizon, the sun peeking over the distant mountains to shed light upon its beautiful form. This technology is being called the “Bubble-butt” system, and it will change the world!
The origins of the Bubble-butt system began, as so many things do in this world of ours, with a relatively simple problem: the requirements of “social distancing.” Unless you’ve been in a coma for the last few months (if you have, I envy you and would like clear directions on how I may find myself in such a luxurious predicament), you know what social distancing is. To keep the disgusting masses of our civilized world from infecting each other with a potentially lethal virus at a rate that would immediately surpass all hopes of medical care, we’ve been instructed to politely stay the hell away from each other.
There is an unspoken problem within that mandate, however, which is that there are some situations where such distance is difficult, if not impossible. Inside a vehicle, for example, there is already a relatively limited amount of space to work with. If you are riding shotgun while your buddy is driving, there’s really no way to keep more than six feet away from each other. Load nine people into a Cadillac Escalade, and you’ve basically got a bubbling pressure cooker filled with germs, viruses, and bodily fluids just waiting to explode!
Early attempts at a solution were crude, at best. Images flooded the interconnecting computer networks of the world, showing drivers doing their best to solve this problem. Ridesharing drivers erected pitiful walls of shrink wrap or other dividers in the hopes that it would be enough to protect them from their foul-smelling, virulent passengers. They were wrong…
It was an engineer at the Chevrolet that first glommed upon the solution. My understanding is the engineer was not a Chevy employee, but one of the many ragged, disheveled engineer-hobos that proudly wander the wild roadways and unclean cities of our nation. Different sources have told me that he was a man named Nicodemus, a woman named Arielle, or a four-dimensional ur-soul acting as the reincarnation of the mystic John Dee going by the name “Flexible Twigget.”
Whatever the true identity of this visionary, one thing is clear: he/she/it had the solution. Simple walls could only do so much, and for them to be truly effective, the driver and passengers might still need to wear masks. Otherwise, each section of the vehicle’s interior would likely need its own climate control system and vents to ensure those within them were protected from others in the vehicle. While all of this was possible, it was a crude solution at best, one that would not stand the test of time.
The true solution came, as brilliance so often does, while the Chevy employees and engineers were enjoying their free-time during recess hour at the factory. The mysterious he/she/it watched as one blue-collar worker frolicked about the Chevy manufacturing plant while blowing bubbles from a small, plastic wand. There was the solution, hanging all about in the air around them, glistening with many-colored, opalescent refractions in the warm, midday sun.
Development and Deployment
This idea had to be made manifest, of course, and thus the perilously short development process began. Rather than simply wall each other off, each person within the vehicle would be given their own separate cabin. Early concepts tried to create multiple traditional car interiors, but these were absurd creations, an abominable chimera that was never meant for human eyes.
The final design was simpler, more concise, utilizing an ideal shape: the sphere. Rather than give each person a “cabin,” they went back to the inspiration for their solution and gave each passenger and the driver their own spherical bubble. These modular pods are designed to offer each passenger everything they could want or need on a road trip – future designs look to expand this in the hopes that at some point, in the not-too-distant future, you might never need to leave your vehicle again.
Of course, with each addition, each revision and iteration on the concept, the bubble grew in majesty and size. But, that is a small price to pay for security, knowing that never again need you fear the stray cough or unblocked sneeze of a filthy child riding beside you in your vehicle. Now, safe in the comfort of your bubble, that wailing pile of germs and snot can scream for a snack or complain about your 14th hour on the road, and you won’t hear a blesséd thing.
The current design features numerous bubbles that can be added to the vehicle or removed in a modular way, which means you no longer have to worry about buying a new car because you made the mistake of having a child. Now, you can simply have a new bubble added to your ride, satisfied in the knowledge that someday, many years from now, you’ll be able to remove it and reclaim your cool, performance-based bubble-car once more.
A Glimpse of Things to Come
Right now, up to eight bubble-pods can be attached to a single vehicle using the modular Bubble-butt system that Chevy has developed. Although this bold new ride has been streamlined as much as possible, due to the voluptuous size of the pods, it does need a four-lane highway to be able to go down the street. And it requires the use of all four lanes simultaneously. But the inevitable nine-hour traffic jams are a small price to pay for the knowledge that you can finally keep your distance from your friends and family who insist on riding with you.
Word is that Chevy is already working on a next-generation system that will include on-the-fly connection and deployment systems. This will allow you to attach or release any bubble-pod you want at the push of a button, even while driving down the road. It’s only a matter of time until we can finally settle road rage in the only logical manner: by firing our loved ones at our enemies, loaded into the warmth and security of a dense, polymer bubble, to watch them wreak havoc upon those that cross us.
Editor’s Note: We have reached out to developers at Chevrolet for confirmation of this “Bubble-butt” system, but so far, they have not responded. When asked about this silence, the writer of this piece replied simply, “My homeboys tried to warn me, but that butt you got makes me so horny.” We’ve decided not to seek further information and publish this piece unverified. Thank you.