Many people think that one truck is just as good as another: those people are dumb and have dumb ideas because clearly, some pickups are superior to others. Since I’m writing about Ram trucks today, I’ll say that Ram is the best option, and I’ll stick by that until I need to write about a different brand. What really sets these pickups apart is the Ram truck service options you can find for them that are simply not offered for other vehicles. Sorry Ford and Chevy fans, that’s what you get for buying a truck from a brand other than the one I like!
Of course, you can get the usual stuff like an oil change, full lube job, and other fluid-based services that sound deeply erotic. But fortunately, the Ram is good for more than just sensual puns and rough trade at the club on a Saturday night. Here are some of the lesser-known services that owners of Ram trucks should look for to keep your pickup in the best shape possible.
Mud Detailing
This is a service I’ve found offered by a number of dealerships throughout the greater Michigan area, though it might be available elsewhere, too. I didn’t care enough to check. Many Ram owners like to use their trucks to hit the great outdoors and tear it up off-road, making a mess of their pickup as proof that they did a thing. For other owners, seeing big Ram trucks splashed with mud and dirt makes them feel insecure about their sparkling, pristine pickup that has never known the splash of a creek against its soft underside.
Fortunately, some dealerships offer “mud detailing,” where experts will carefully apply mud to your Ram truck for you so that it looks like you actually had the balls to go out into the world and have some fun with your pickup. The service takes about 8 hours to complete since their specially-trained experts are meticulous with every last detail and splatter. By the time they’re done, you’d never be able to tell whether your truck has been used and abused on the trail or whether you paid someone an excessive amount so you could pretend to have a life.
De-Mufflering
If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that many trucks in this world are just too damn quiet. I want to be able to hear a truck coming down the road from a full mile away: if I can’t hear it before I can see it, then what’s the point? One chain of service centers in Texas called [Name Withheld] now offers “de-mufflering” services that ensure your truck will be as loud as possible. You’ll still be able to pass whatever Texas has that passes for emissions standards with your truck, and it will reach volume levels that can rupture eardrums just like the Good Lord intended for all pickups.
Built to Service
I’m sure you’re already familiar with Ram’s “Built to Serve” motto that they’ve been using for some time now. One dealership I spoke to out of Tampa has started up a new program to help drum up sales: “Built to Service.” As the dealership owner described it, “We hire some girls, the local talent, y’know, and they service our customers while we service their vehicle.” I asked what kinds of services they provide, and he said, “Oh, the usual: flash the headlights, polish up the hitch, full lube job, and blow out the tailpipe.” I inquired if this was for the trucks or the customers and he responded simply, “Yeah, that’s right,” then hung up. Florida, it seems, takes full service to the next level.
Editor’s Note: One of our publishing staff was interning at a dealership to try to earn his certification in mud detailing. After 18 months of on-the-job training and 40 hours of coursework, he was sadly unable to pass the rigorous exams needed to be certified. As you know, failing the test once disqualifies you from all future attempts, and Kurtis has abandoned his lifelong dreams to instead focus on publishing web content until he dies from sadness, a Ketamine overdose, or is murdered in his sleep by an unpaid Filipino lady-boy, which we hope will be any day now. Thank you.
