Squid Game Sales Promotion Leaves Dozens Injured

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A Hampton Roads Chevy dealership was offering a Squid Game based promotion.

In an ill-advised attempt to capitalize on the popularity of the Netflix smash-hit Squid Game, a local Hampton Roads Chevy dealership has launched a new sales promotion that pits customers against one another in a variety of childhood games. The South Korean series is already the most-watched program in Netflix history, but some say its ultra-violent nature makes it an odd choice for the event.

“We’re always looking to attract the next generation of drivers to the quality Chevrolet vehicles we sell and we thought this would be the perfect way to grab their attention,” says Doug Modelo, VP of Sales at Quick & Quirky Auto and impending felon.

The generous prize pool, which increases every time a player is eliminated from the competition, builds from free detailing and oil changes all the way up to free cars, trucks, and SUVs. With these sorts of big-ticket rewards up for grabs, management had expected a throng of savings-minded drivers to be crowding the parking lot when they arrived for work on Friday morning. The reality was quite different.

“It looked more like a militia meeting or Hunger Games casting call. I pull into the lot and the first thing I see is a family of four helping each other tighten their body armor and a guy sharpening a knife while applying eye black and muttering “they…drew…first…blood” under his breath. I’m not sure who he was talking about, but come to think of it, we haven’t seen the night janitor in a couple of days,” says Modelo.

The games were quickly abandoned when participants were not seemingly able to grasp the rules of the age-old games, opting instead to violently attack one another in a manic free-for-all. The aggressive gameplay strategy caught some of the less culturally tuned-in employees completely off guard, though not all were so naive. “We did have a really high number of call-outs that day, come to think of it. I thought they were just opposed to the pink uniforms we had made for the event, but now I think I understand,” Modelo says while being treated for internal bleeding.

Despite being the mastermind behind the innovative promotion, Modelo admits to not having actually watched the immensely popular series. While he’s been a Netflix customer since 2008, the car salesman says he’s more of a sports guy who forgot his password years ago and hasn’t had the nerve to ask his daughter to reset it for him.

Having only briefly glanced at a synopsis on Wikipedia, Modelo admits that the minimal amount of research might have contributed to the confusion, which left scores injured before the sale was abruptly halted just 5 minutes in. “To be clear, we never told anyone they had to hurt each other to win. That was all them. We had a nice day planned full of tug-of-war, red light/green light, and marbles…now those marbles are being tagged as evidence by the crime scene investigators and I’m headed downtown to answer some questions,” Modelo says.

Admittedly this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, with Modeleo referencing another failed promotion the dealership ran when they found themselves with an excess of late-model Ford pickups. “This might also explain why everyone showed up in those super scary costumes and kept asking if we had Eggo waffles when we ran our stRanger Things sale,” he muses.

Police are still investigating the matter, and while Modelo refused to answer further questions on the advice of his lawyer, he says he’ll continue to dream-up these sort of novel sales promotions to help get new customers onto the lot. “I’m just waiting for Netflix to remake Cabin in the Woods. I haven’t seen it, but that sounds like the perfect promotion to help move some of these new 4x4s we just got in,” says Modelo.

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