If you’re on Google searching ‘RAM Dealers near me’ with the intentions to buy, you’re about to learn what it means to be a man. Forget everything you know about the F-Series being the best-selling trucks of all time. Disregard the things you’ve heard about the exciting changes coming to the 2018 Silverado. We’re about to have a talk about some changes that are about to happen to you if you buy a RAM truck. Some of those changes might feel scary, but trust me, I’m going to talk you through this…just like my alcoholic Uncle Debby did for
Regardless of what stage of life you find yourself in, some conversations are difficult to have. That said, it’s widely accepted that one of the most awkward conversations you’ll ever have is the oft-lamented parental diatribe on puberty and/or sexuality. Unlike prison sex, it really doesn’t matter whether you’re on the giving or receiving end…’the talk’ rarely equates to ‘family fun time.’
In fact, the idea of talking to your child about the birds and the bees can be so intimidating that many parents delay it indefinitely. Hell, my own dad waited until the summer before I turned 16 before he attempted the breach the topic. At the end of the awkward one-way conversation, he turned to me and asked, “Do you have any questions?” to which I immediately replied, “Do you?” Then again, what did he expect? In the 5th grade, they throw a pamphlet at us which clearly depicts where hair is about to start growing, and it had already been a few years since I snuck behind the school with a girl who shall rename nameless (but let’s call her ‘Jill Pineau’). Needless to say, I already had that shit covered in spades. But who really cares? After all, my dad drove a GMC pickup back then.
But we’re not here to talk about me, or my dad’s shitty timing…we’re here to talk about how the decision to buy a RAM is an exciting point in any man’s life. It means that everything about you is starting to mature, and you’re finally on the road to adulthood. You’re probably losing interest in playing with children’s toys, and embracing the interests of men. You are effectively volunteering yourself for a selective biological process which scientists now view as a kind of second puberty.
According to a recent study conducted at M.I.T., and funded by Fiat-Chrysler of America:
“Evidence collected suggests a correlation between the purchase of a RAM truck and significant biological changes which, otherwise, would not occur. For example, 4 out of 5 RAM truck buyers experienced an 11% growth in penile length and a 4% spike in growth. Erectile efficiency was shown to improve between 30-35%, and female focus groups agreed that RAM truck owners possessed a mysterious confidence more appealing that the overcompensating machismo exhibited by Ford and Chevy owners.”
Prior to publishing this article, we had requested a copy of the study’s findings. Unfortunately, we have yet to receive them, so we’re just assuming that all the statistics are both unbiased and true.