2018 Chevy Bolt

Having taken a close look at the model year offerings from almost every major lineup, there seems to be a fairly significant split from those automakers who “go above and beyond” and those you “just get by”. This is especially evident among the more economical domestic automakers, with some creating inspired offerings that depict an evolution towards the car of tomorrow, while others sit idly by like some sort of consolation prize. In terms of the latter, consider Ford for a moment. Having recently announced that they will be purging their entire lineup of cars (sans Mustang) to make room for more innovative offerings, it’s clear that the proverbial gauntlet has been thrown. In fact, it would be hard to argue that Chevy is the one to have thrown it since their lineup boasts the most evenly-tiered offerings, featuring the most confident standardization of technology. Take the 2018 Chevy Bolt for example. One of Chevy’s highest-profile eco-friendly offerings, the all-electric Bolt has a wide selection of enticing features. First, consider that a full charge delivers a driving range of 238 miles, when most daily commutes average 40 miles. The simple convenience of making it through your week on a single charge represents the kind of low-effort sustainability that we aspire to as a society. Combined with cutting-edge styling and a wealth of technological amenities, it’s hard not to applaud Chevy for bringing us one step closer to the car of the tomorrow.

But what if someone other than Chevy deserves our applause?

Now, we’re not trying to say that the holocaust didn’t happen, that we faked the moon landing or claiming that the FDA is withholding the cure for cancer. From chemtrails to the Illuminati there are enough conspiracy theories in place to keep minds busy for decades. All we’re saying is that Chevy’s incorporation of affordable technology stands head and shoulders above their competitors because of extraterrestrial influence.

Meet Hartley MacArthur. Podcaster. Self-proclaimed “Chief Superhero Enthusiast”. Master of the Slow Motion Hair-Toss. And last but not least, the owner of a Chevy Bolt…more importantly, one who claims that ownership of the aforementioned vehicle led to his abduction by aliens on the night of April 14th, 2018.

MacArthur claims that the Chevy Bolt’s existence takes a page out of The Twilight Zone classic ‘To Serve Man’, an adaptation of a 1950 short story by Damon Knight. In the classic tale, a  seemingly benevolent race of aliens (called the Kanamit) arrive, claiming to offer advanced technology to humanity. The only oddity: an alien textbook (titled ‘To Serve Man’) mistaken as a declaration of subservience. Left in the care of a government cryptographer, the text is discovered to be a cookbook!

In other words, “grab a hold of your sphincters” because the EV capabilities of the Chevy Bolt is just a way of getting more humans to buy them. “Don’t be silly, that’s just capitalism,” you say. Hartley thought the same thing, until an extended stay in a zero gravity operating room left him with a size 7 poop-shoot.

“By offering advanced technology to the masses, pretending its the result of human ingenuity, and presenting it as the best option for humanity’s survival Chevy’s alien benefactors are playing to the lowest common denominator,” explains Mr. MacArthur. “And I should know. I write about ‘Buy Here, Pay Here’ dealerships for a living.”

Is the Chevy Bolt really an extra-terrestrial tool for global domination? Perhaps we won’t know until it’s too late. Maybe someday we’ll join Hartley MacArthur, looking back at the Bolt’s relationship with humanity, saying, “Rectum? Damn near Killed ‘Em!”


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