The Chevy Equinox is Better than Ever!

The engine of a 2022 Chevy Equinox shows an electric eel wearing a hat and a warning sign.

If you’ve seen the 2022 Chevy Equinox, then you probably already know about a lot of the updated features on it. While this isn’t a new generation for Chevy’s oh-so-popular small SUV, they’ve given it a bit of a refresh this year with a wide range of new options and features. You know me, so you know I’m excited about everything it has to offer, but I’ve talked to a few friends, and they seem less enthused regarding this update.

After several conversations, numerous beers, and a few wild punches, the reason for this became clear: they’re ignorant creatures barely capable of human thought. This shouldn’t be too much of a surprise since most people are inherently dumb, but the sheer breadth of their stupidity was truly alarming. It led me to worry that many more people out there don’t know about a lot of the exciting updates coming with the 2022 Chevy Equinox. But don’t you fear, your ol’ Uncle Von Gourdboddum is here to set things right…

A Refreshed Exterior

I’m going to start with some things you probably already know about the 2022 Chevy Equinox, but fortunately for me, I don’t particularly care about what you’re actually interested in. Overall, the exterior of the Equinox has been refreshed and updated for this model year, including a new grille design, updated front and rear bumpers, and altered headlights that are a bit more visually appealing. None of these changes are about to move mountains or anything, but they’re there, and you’ll probably notice them.

Interior Styling and the RS Trim

There are also some updates going on inside the 2022 Equinox, particularly with the Premier trim, which now includes French stitching on the upholstery and gloss-black touches on the console. An all-new RS trim is now available for the Equinox, which offers a lot of new aesthetic options for this model. The RS includes 19-inch Dark Android-painted wheels (I assume this means they’re sentient and will do their own thing while you’re driving), along with a glossy black mesh grille and details, with other nifty touches.

A Weaker Engine

One of the updates that I’m most excited about is the removal of the 2.0L 4-cylinder engine that used to be offered on the Chevy Equinox. Starting with the 2022 model, this has been eliminated, and you’re stuck with the less impressive 1.5L Turbo engine. It’s a pretty poor piece of machinery that offers a paltry 170hp for a crossover SUV – yeah, it’s a small model, but it’s still a crossover. So if you’ve been looking at the Equinox the last few years and thought, “Man, I’d love to drive that thing, but I’m worried it’s a bit too much fun on the road,” then you’re in luck!

Fewer Live Eels Providing Power

Most people don’t realize that the Chevy Equinox has been powered, throughout the most recent generation, by a series of live eels swimming through a hydrolized dycrilic press system. Chevy’s engineers have heard the complaints of drivers and animal-rights groups alike, and they’ve been hard at work on streamlining the system. Thanks to their efforts, you’ll find fewer eels in the 2022 model. Where last year’s Equinox required 147 eels to provide power to all of its systems, this has been down-scaled to a modest 143 eels, with only minimal losses. You can’t use the air conditioning and listen to music at the same time, but the screaming of the eels is slightly less noticeable than before. Win-win!

An Elongated Thorax

I’m sure you know that every Chevy Equinox is built inside the carapace of a deceased Northern Germanic Beetle, which can be found throughout much of eastern Australia. While that design works well, in general, it suffers from some flaws due to the insect’s stunted overall shape. The 2022 update uses only the carapaces of “alphas” among those beetles, which have a longer thorax to give you more room inside. Unfortunately, this extra space is largely occupied by the fluid sacs and suppurated steering glands, but it’s a gain nonetheless.

Editor’s Note: Based on our own research, many of the details in this piece are accurate, as far as we can tell. The weaker engine is the only option for the 2022 model, and it does clearly have fewer eels than previous versions of the Equinox. Chevy’s designers were unwilling to answer questions about the RS trim, however, so take that with a grain of salt. Thank you.


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