The Chevy Equinox Proves the Earth Is Flat

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A silver 2022 Chevy Equinox is shown on top of a flat earth after leaving an Equinox dealer.

While many regard the Equinox as a roomy compact crossover with agile handling and an impressive slate of infotainment features, those of us who haven’t had our brains softened by years of exposure to fluoridated water know the truth: the Chevy Equinox is just the latest in a long line of distractions from the globalist cabal that’s keeping you from the real truth: the Earth is flat.

Forget what the sheeple down at your local Equinox dealer are trying to tell you, and let’s start with the facts. The Equinox is named after the solar equinox, a biannual event in late March and September when the sun appears directly above the Earth’s so-called equator. This event usually marks the changing of what the sheeple like to call “seasons,” but this theory depends on two “facts” that don’t hold up very well to even the smallest amount of scrutiny. In order for these types of seasonal cycles to exist, the world would not only have to be round but also tilt on its axis. Now I’m no physicsologist, but it seems to me that if the Earth were tilted, that’s the kind of thing you’d notice on a daily basis. Indulge me for a moment and step outside. Do things look tilted out there to you? Check and mate.

As air-tight as that logic is, logic can only take you so far. That’s where math comes in. Even those unfamiliar with the science of numerology should be able to see through the paper-thin wool being pulled over our collective eyes when it comes to the Chevy Equinox, but let’s walk through it.

In numerical terms, the letters E, Q, U, I, N, O, and X can be expressed as 5, 17, 21, 9, 14, 15, and 24. Add these numbers together, and you’ll get 107. See where I’m going with this? Now it’s as simple as dividing that figure by the number of letters in the world itself, with 105 divided by 7, giving us 15. What’s the 15th letter of the alphabet? That’s right: O, as in circle or globe. They’re not even trying to hide the evidence of their dirty dealing anymore. I tell you, sometimes it almost feels like they think we’re stupid. It’s just another example of the kind of contagious groupthink that’s allowed the New World Order to flourish and displace us hard-working, non-reptilian humans.

Besides, as we learned in a recent entry posted on the esteemed, peer-reviewed journal Big Dave’s Illuminati Report and Jerky Recipe Quarterly, seasons — hell, weather in general — are an artificially produced phenomenon created by offshore wind turbines and 5G cell towers. Some folks will try to tell you that Big Dave isn’t exactly a qualified source and that binge-watching The Weather Channel while abusing cold medicine isn’t a substitute for formal science education, but any man who can make that good of a jerk seasoning sourced solely from gas station condiments knows a thing or two about the world, believe you me.

Now friends, I know you might be skeptical because the evidence is just a little too air-tight, but don’t fret. I was like you once: ignorant, pumped full of vaccines and led to believe that it was a complete lack of critical thinking and marketable skills that had led to my unsatisfactory station in life, not the fact that we’re all being controlled by an elite group of subterranean lizard people who have their scaly claws wrapped around the levers of power. But ever since I started taking the Golden Cure, everything has become so much clearer. Sure, some people will tell you that drinking your own urine is pseudoscience at best, but you can’t argue with the results, even if my wife now makes me keep all the jugs in the garage. Stay strong, truth warrior, and one day we will be vindicated. In the meantime, I suggest adding just a dash of raspberry Crystal Light to your own “special blend,” as it really does help with the taste.

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