Local man Matthew Newman had big plans for his 2020 New Year’s Resolutions, mainly those two big, classic ones: getting healthy and saving money. And he planned to do all of them in his used Jeep Cherokee. Newman had never had any luck sticking with resolutions of New Years’ past, but in early 2020 he got a great deal on a 2014 Jeep Cherokee, and he knew it was just the ticket to sticktoitiveness that he’d lacked before. He planned to take his Cherokee to hike in the eastern foothills of Orange County for exercise and to the Newport Beach Farmer’s Market to home cook more healthy meals and eat out less.
“My old ride wasn’t anywhere near as inspiring as this Jeep Cherokee. In fact, it’s helped me learn who I really am,” he told us.
You see, Newman’s Cherokee has the Trailhawk trim model. The Jeep Cherokee got a revamp in 2014, and the Trailhawk is the variation with the most off-roading capabilities, even earning the coveted Jeep “Trail Rated” award. Newman spent a lot of the early part of the pandemic driving through the foothills, especially in the Limestone Canyon Regional Park.
And that’s when he realized: he is a hawk. Specifically, a red-tailed hawk.
“I’m not sure why it took me so long to figure out,” says Newman. “It makes perfect sense: I’ve always had excellent eyesight and enjoyed hunting for squirrels.”
Newman’s family was also not surprised by the turn of events. Says Newman’s wife, Jennifer, “he’s always had such a peculiar battle cry when watching the Lakers play. He would always scream ‘kee-eeee-arrr’ –– and now we know why!” Mrs. Newman also adds that their courtship was very dramatic, like most red-tailed hawks’ are, although, admittedly, with slightly fewer talons and mid-air death-defying spiraling drops.
Jeep could not be reached for comment.
After this dramatic year, what could Newman possibly want for his 2021 New Year’s Resolutions? “First things first,” says Newman, “I’m looking for an agent. You see, in most movies and TV shows, anytime you hear a raptor, it’s usually a red-tailed hawk. We even usually dub bald eagles because, well, not to talk trash or anything, but they just don’t have the substantial cries we do. Living so close to Los Angeles, 2021 is the year I make it onto the big screen!”
Jennifer Newman is currently serving as her husband’s manager and has several very important meetings scheduled in the new year that she couldn’t talk about on the record.
“Secondly, I do still want to work on my health,” says Newman. “We red-tailed hawks tend to mainly eat rodents, and occasional reptiles and, well, smaller birds,” he adds sheepishly. “It takes a lot of energy for us buteos –– that’s our technical species –– to ride the thermal updrafts high up into the sky. But all that meat just isn’t sustainable. I really think there are ways to get more protein through nuts and seeds. We’ll see.”
As for Newman’s third resolution for 2021? “More shitting on heads,” he says, “I mean, this has to be one of the greatest advantages to being able to fly, and I really didn’t take enough advantage of that fact and do enough head-shitting in 2020.”