Phone in-hand, I was just about to research a car loan on Google, when I was interrupted by a knock on my door. Placing my phone down the arm of my couch, I told my 11-year old daughter that I’d be right back, and made my way to front hall.
Opening the door, you can imagine my surprise at finding that no-one was there, but I didn’t allow the confusion to distract me from the flaming paper bag on my doorstep. With cheetah-like speed, I promptly stomped it out. Crisis averted.
When I returned to the couch, I must have been distracted. Maybe it was simply because I was tired by Wednesday of this very long week. Perhaps I was too just too focused on the question being asked on television’s ‘Cash Cab.’ Then again, it could have been the overwhelming smell of feces that seemed to come out of nowhere. Who’s to say?
All I know is that I picked up my phone thinking that I was already in Google. As I typed in ‘auto loan financing’ I soon discovered that my daughter had used my phone to help with her Language Arts homework. Apparently, they’re studying anagrams, so instead of information on ‘auto loan financing’ I found myself looking at 147,060 different combinations of the letters used to spell ‘auto loan financing.’ I’m not sure if any of these are real things, but they sure as hell got my mind wandering to some pretty weird places…
Fanatical Gun Onion
Listen, I’m a champion of the Second Amendment, but I’m not sure which concerns me more: the existence of a gun-toting onion, or the fact that he’s some sort of extremist. Maybe this would be less disturbing if I knew more about his belief system. But what if he’s simply seeking revenge for the fallen onions out there? Hell, I love onions. I eat them all the time. But here comes this son-of-bitch while I’m halfway through a dice, holding a gun to my head. “Cry or die, bitch!” he says to me. Overwhelmed by fear, and a rather pungent Vidalia, I might be safe…but who knows?
Financial Tuna Goon
Well, I am looking for financing…maybe I need to speak to this Tuna Goon. Problem is, how will I know it’s him? Am I looking for an oversized fish with a penchant for violence? What if it’s Josh from my office, who eats Starkist from the can to protein load? So much for that lead….
Factional Nag Union
Call me jaded by divorce but “No, thanks.” I think I’ll avoid what might be a well-structured organization of demanding and enraged wives. Especially since there appears to be some in-fighting. I suppose we should have known they’d organize at some point…
Nautical Fang Union
(Speaking of unions) Coming this fall to the CW, the hottest teen drama about sexy vampires on the open seas. Tune in and see what happens, when the ship hits the fang…
Canola Fountain Gin
Well, I do like the clean taste of foods cooked with canola oil…and being drunk, so….
Fauna Contain Lingo
Talking animals? Are you shitting me? (I’m Doctor Dolittle, bitch!)
Fauna Loan Noticing
Oh sweet, another financing lead. Good things we know animals talk now, because if they’re running around noticing loans all the time, they’ll be a great resource.
Angina Loaf Unction
Sounds like an unhealthy tradition on some sort of weird religious holiday. Like when you’re all bloated from overeating at a family get-together and trying to take a nap, but your uncle’s obese girlfriend wants to anoint your forehead in some weird Lithuanian tradition, so you fake a heart attack…
Analog Inaction Fun
The opposite of video gaming (you know…because it’s analog). So what is it, Connect Four? UNO? Flogging the dolphin?
Iguana Infant Colon
Surprisingly delicious, this rare delicacy is a favorite among many third-world societies (such as Baltimore). Secretly used by over 90% of U.S. restaurants due to the high market price of (what is listed on their menu as) ‘Calamari,’ studies show that most restaurants are chronically delinquent in de-pooping it.
Again Infant Uncool
This is how I used to scold my daughter, when she was a baby…and didn’t listen the first time. Do they ever learn?
Anal Oaf Continuing
That damn oaf. Every single time I turn around…why won’t he stop, damn it?
Anal Auto Confining
Again with the anus? What’s the matter, couldn’t find a spot in Central Parking?
Announcing Oaf Tail
“And in this corner, weighing in at 214 lbs…the man with the lowest IQ, but the highest number of vestigial appendages…OAF TAILLLLLL!”
A Fanatic Lung Onion
Diagnosed by modern medicine as Chronic Halitosis, limitations in hygiene practices of pre-revolutionary France often led to a diagnosis of ‘le oignin fanatique de poumon.’
A Nonfatal Ionic Gnu
Unlike his homicidal cousin, THIS Ionic Gnu just wants to hurt you, really, really bad…
A Anal Incognito Fun
Rectum? Damn near KILLED him! Now get this DNA to the lab and see if we can find anything that will help identify the assailant.
National Fag Nuncio
A derogatory term originating from early Brazilian culture, endured by its first gay citizen. Poor Nuncio, I wish you had lived in more enlightened times.
Contain Final Guano
Elvis Presley was found dead on the toilet. Urban legend states that certain remnants were placed in an airtight container, and smuggled somewhere in Mexico.
A Nonfactual Gin Ion
After breaking down a bottle of Tanqueray to its smallest molecular components, a CalTech Think-Tank was able to confirm the existence of this long-theorized particle, and the fact that it was a lying, boastful son-of-a-bitch.
A Cautionary Tale
While this may have done little to help me find the perfect car loan, I hope that it helps you. And by that I don’t mean ‘helps you to find a car loan,’ but ‘helps you to remember that when you stomp out a flaming bag on your front step, it is probably full of shit.’