Following a string of high-profile sexual misconduct allegations, a vehicle is now in the news. An aging, 2001 Chevy Cavalier was recently called out for sexually harassing a prospective car buyer at a Detroit, Michigan dealership. While the nameplate is used to being involved in current auto news, it’s now being featured in major publications around the country.
The woman, who is going under the pseudonym “Gracie,” claimed the vehicle made unwanted advances towards her during a 2015 test drive.
“The dealership was busy that day, and the salesperson said I could take the car out on a private test drive,” she wrote on her private blog. “Little did I know that the salesperson was acting as the Cavalier’s wingman.”
It didn’t take long for the Cavalier to make its move. An aftermarket stereo system was included in the car, and the accompanying touchscreen immediately displayed a message stating “HELLO FRIEND.”
“I’ve never met this car before, and it’s automatically calling me friend?” Gracie asked in her blog. “I was immediately on edge.”
The horrors didn’t end there. Soon enough, once Gracie started the ignition, the car started violently vibrating… and the operator interpreted this as sexual assault.
“I started screaming no, but the car just kept shaking my hips and my chest,” she said. “It was like it thought I was some object that was solely driving the Cavalier for its own entertainment. Since the vehicle was approaching the highway, I couldn’t just leave. I was powerless.”
Gracie soon returned the car to the dealership, but not before the vehicle started playing some odd music choices. After tuning into her favorite radio station, Gracie didn’t think it was a coincidence that several Al Green songs started playing over the stereo
When the ride was finished, Gracie returned the Cavalier to the dealership. She immediately berated the salesperson, stating that car had violated her. She quickly called the police to report the misconduct. However, by the time they arrived, the dealership had mysteriously sold the car to an unidentified buyer.
“Too many coincidences and they all add up,” she said. “I know what happened that day in the car. My innocence is gone.”
The dealership claimed that the car had not sexually assaulted Gracie, especially when you consider that the car is an inanimate object.
“Yea, this is definitely one of the crazier complaints we’ve ever received,” said the dealership’s manager, who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s a god damn car. This Me Too movement is clearly straying away from their initial purpose, and Gracie is exploiting it for fame.”
Gracie refuted those claims as she proudly wore a #MeToo pin on her shirt.
“I don’t need fame,” she explained. “I have my own blog. If I really wanted fame, I would have done that Weinstein movie a decade ago.”
The Lemon hunted down the Cavalier to ask the car about its intent during the test drive. Quickly, we remembered that it was a fucking car and couldn’t talk, but we did manage to talk to the vehicle’s new owner.
“This car is my soul mate,” said Misty Wonder, a retired stripper. “I’ve been looking for some light in my life, and the Cavalier has delivered. I’ll never go back to a non-vibrating car.”
Police are still investigating the matter.
