Now that the obligatory month of performative allyship is over, I can finally get back to writing about what’s truly important to me: just how gay is your truck? If you’re anything like me, before you head to your favorite used Ram truck dealership, you’re going to want to really think about which truck matches the gay values that you hold so dear. In this modern used truck market, it’s hard to find a pickup in good shape at a reasonable price, let alone one that really exudes the kind of homoerotic power that you’re looking for. Fortunately for you, I’m here to help you out and take you through some of the major models out there and what they offer.
Ram 1500 – Big Dom, Leather-Daddy Energy
Looking at a Ram 1500 today, you might think it’s just like any other truck out there, but believe me, friend-of-mine, it has some serious leather-daddy energy. For one thing, let’s take a look at the Ram 1500 Pickup brochure from 2002, which includes impressive phrases like, “That’s Mister New Ram to you. Mind your manners.” If that’s not just begging to have someone’s lip quivering as they reply, “Yes, daddy,” then I don’t know what is!
Plus, look at the high-end trims for the Ram 1500 – there’s leather all over the place; it truly screams “leather daddy” in a way that few other trucks do. Also, there’s a trim called “Tradesman” – this truck is looking for some weekend trade in a way that no other pickup on the road can match. It’s rough, gruff, and ready to top pretty much every other truck on the market.
Chevy Silverado 1500 – Bear All the Way
While the Ram 1500 might shout “leather daddy” in a way that few other trucks can, don’t let that fool you, there are plenty of other impressive, powerful, gay trucks available. The Chevy Silverado 1500, for example, has the kind of performance and size that I think most of us are looking for in a bear. This is no cub – that’s the Chevy Colorado – this is a full-size, hardworking bear that’s ready to pick you up and take you home for the night (or a long weekend). And the Silverado is clearly down for some cuddle-time afterwards, that’s all I’m saying.
Ford F-150 – The Power-Bottom Everyone Wants
For about 40 years, the Ford F-150 has been the bestselling truck in America, and there’s a good reason for that: it’s the ultimate power bottom. As the old saying goes, “There’s no such thing as a lonely bottom,” and the F-150 really demonstrates this. With its impressive power, sleek and muscular design, and a willingness to take it all, hardworking American men just keep coming back to the F-150 for more. Ford says it’s “Tougher than ever,” and the all-new F-150 Raptor is ready to “Take the hard road;” I’ll bet it is!
Jeep Gladiator – The Perfect Soft Butch
Not to be outdone by the overwhelmingly masculine, sexual energy of the other trucks on the road, the Jeep Gladiator is something a little different. Looking at her lines and off-road performance, you can see that she’s ready to hit the trail and not afraid to get dirty, but she’s also done up nicely and more of a soft butch than we first expected when the Gladiator was announced. Sure, her proverbial flannel shirt is buttoned all the way up, but with gorgeous details in the Rubicon and High Altitude trims, she has her softer side too (and don’t get us started on her in a bikini). The Jeep Gladiator is pretty but tough, like a diamond – or beef jerky in a ball gown.
Editor’s Note: Based on market research from Ram, Ford, Chevy, and Jeep, we’re fairly certainly this is exactly what they were going for when designing these trucks. We’d also like to remind our readers to support each other and the basic human right to love whoever you want. It’s the least you can do while your truck waits, hungrily, for you to come inside it once more. Thank you.