Friends, and I use that word generously, it has come to my attention that there are a number of misunderstandings that circulate throughout the “Free World.” Among the most common of them is this: large tires on a truck convey a clear message to women that you are endowed with extraordinary girth. But listen to me now: that’s simply not true. So when you’re shopping for the best used cars and trucks out there, please keep that in mind.
But that’s not all – there are a number of other things many people seem to believe that are utter nonsense. Some might go so far as to call these beliefs pure flummery, perhaps even unmitigated balderdash – though I’m rarely so bold. Don’t worry, though, boys and girls, ol’ Uncle Von Gourdboddum is here to help bring the harsh and bitter truth to the light of day. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Women Don’t Care About Your Truck
I know I already said this, but it bears repeating. No one, least of all any woman you’ll ever meet, is impressed with your truck, how large your tires are, the lift kit you had installed, or how much horsepower it has under the hood. If you want to impress a woman, then be on time, compliment her outfit, and actually listen to what she says instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.
Your Loud Motorcycle Impresses No One
Here’s what I think: when you zoom by on a motorcycle that sounds like a thunderbolt hurl’d down to earth by some Olympian deity, you imagine people in their houses are racing to their windows to look outside and see the absolute badass who has chosen to come down their street today.
Guess what? They’re not. No one’s impressed by your loud motorcycle, especially when you fly down a small neighborhood street at 12:42 in the morning. We just want you to shut up – and if you’re going to sit in your driveway with your Harley idling for 15 minutes, please feel free to not wear a helmet on your next ride.
Your Hatchback is NOT an SUV
I know your hatchback kind of looks like an SUV if I squint a lot or I’m not paying much attention, but we both know that’s not what it is. It’s just a constant reminder that you couldn’t decide between a sedan and a crossover, and your inability to make a decision led to a mistake. No one really wants a hatchback – it’s what you get when you shop for used cars at 2:17 in the morning, slightly drunk, very tired, and wishing you’d made better life decisions. Just get the SUV already; we won’t respect you more or anything, but you might hate yourself less.
You, in the BMW, Yes You – You ARE an Asshole
Just in case you were wondering. If you drive a BMW, yes, you’re an asshole. I know you think, “Oh surely not me,” but yes, you; you’re an asshole, and everyone knows it. You know it, I know it, your spouse knows it, your kids know it, that person you cut-off on the freeway last week knows it, the dude who had the right of way at the four-way stop, but you went anyway and laughed at the dumb look on his face knows it. We all know it.
It’s the combination of performance and luxury that does it. If you just want to show that you’re better than everyone else, you get a Mercedes, and if you want to show off how good a driver you think you are, you get a sports car. But if you think you are both better than everyone else and want to show off how good a driver you think you are, you get a BMW… Bottom line, if you drive a BMW, you’re an asshole.
Car Companies Aren’t Your Friends
Despite what numerous car commercials might have you believe, car companies aren’t your friends. They don’t care about you; they don’t care about your job or how much you earn, other than as a way to understand how much money they can get from you. While we’re at it – no corporations are your friends. Stop being loyal to companies that will squeeze you for every last cent, and then figure out how to make money off your corpse. It’s time to stand up for yourself and the rights of other “consumers.” We’ll all be much happier about it.
Editor’s Note: All of these are true. Except for the bit about BMW drivers – plenty of BMW drivers are assholes, sure, but not me. That person honked at me the other day because he’s a jerk; I didn’t do anything wrong. Thank you.