Chevrolet has recently announced its new spokespeople for the 2021 Chevy Malibu.”We’re just so excited for all the Malibu has to offer this year, we just knew it deserved some special attention,” says Chevy’s VP of Marketing, Chad McEnany. “So we have not one, but three spokespeople just to talk about how great the 2021 Chevy Malibu is. A triumvirate of aquatic excellence, if you will, to really show just how much we love the Malibu.”
The first of the Malibu spokespeople is everyone’s favorite mermaid, Ariel. Well known for making good life choices such as not reading contracts and changing her body for a man she’s never even spoken to, Ariel appreciates the roominess of the 2021 Chevy Malibu. “With seating for five, all my sisters can ride along! I mean, Attina and Adella usually have to ride in a kiddie pool in the trunk, but with 15.7 cubic fins, I mean feet! With 15.7 cubic feet of room back there, they’re perfectly cozy. You’ll want to make the 2021 Chevy Malibu part of your world.”
[Ed. note: We at the Lemon do NOT condone making or allowing your sisters — or anyone — to ride in the trunk of any vehicle. Chad McEnany chose not to respond to our questions on the subject, he just closed his binder and left the room.]
The new Malibu’s next spokesperson is that bad boy of The Seven, The Deep. Much like Ariel, The Deep, birth name Kevin Moscowitz, can swim and dive and frolic and communicate with all the creatures of the ocean. Unlike Ariel and Aquaman, The Deep has gills. It’s best not to ask about them. The Deep averages four million Instagram hits a day, but he is still a loyal husband and devoted churchgoer. He’s even agreed to have his appearance fees from Chevy be donated to the Church of the Collective.
[Ed. note: When asked about his generous spirit in giving up his fees, The Deep said things we can’t print on this website. There was something about Vought and Homelander, and then he threw our reporter’s Fresca across the room and stormed out. We never learned his thoughts on the 2021 Chevy Malibu.]
The last of the new Malibu spokespeople is that half-human, half-Atlantean god among men, Aquaman. Like Ariel and her sisters, he, too, appreciates the roominess of Chevy’s midsize sedan, given that he is 6’4” tall and 214 pounds with a 50” chest, 34” waist, and 18” biceps. Not to mention those piercing green eyes and flowing dark locks. And the tattoos. Did we mention the tattoos?
[Ed. note: Apologies for our writer going off track. Obviously, they were thinking of Jason Momoa, star of the 2018 movie directed by James Wan, not the actual Aquaman. But can you blame them? Have you seen him? Sorry. Not helping. Following is a prepared statement from Chevy on their new spokesdemigod.]
“We here at Chevrolet are very excited to have Mr. Arthur Curry join us as a spokesperson for the 2021 Malibu. Amnesty Bay – and Atlantis – along/in the northern Atlantic off/near Maine may be several thousand miles from the sunny shores of Malibu, California, but Aquaman’s love of nature and superhuman strength relate well to the excellent gas mileage and safety ratings of the 2021 Chevy Malibu. Also, he has blond hair in real life.”