Anonymous Internet Troll Rebrands Honda Ridgeline (& Honda is Pissed!)

0
146
A confused man is scratching his head with a Honda Ridgeline at a Honda dealership behind him. An Anonymous hacker in a Guy Fawkes mask is also behind him.

Just one of countless Americans doing the exact same thing, Miles Taren sat down one day, opened his laptop and began searching for side-by-side comparisons weighing the respective pros and cons of both the 2019 Chevy Silverado vs 2019 Honda Ridgeline. And like so many others that came before him, Miles Taren was forced to swallow the bitter pill of acceptance that comes with the realization that the Honda Ridgeline has made it too far in your truck-shopping process.

Fortunately for Miles, he realized his mistake instantly; but a recent study shows that 6% of truck buyers aren’t quite as lucky. In other words, 1 out of every 24 makes the critical error of purchasing (or even seriously considering the purchase of) a Honda Ridgeline. And you can check that math if you want, we won’t be offended having long-since come to terms with four years of summer school in the mid-90’s. But our point is this… The Honda Ridgeline is not the truck you’re looking for.

Here’s a fun exercise for you, if you’re bored. Google Honda Ridgeline memes and you’re likely to find more than a few examples that support our argument. Like…

A State Farm meme about the Honda Ridgeline reads: "It sounds hideous", "Well, it's a Honda Ridgeline so..."

…or…

A meme featuring the hug from behind image of the two male characters in 'Broke Back Mountain' reads: "Honda Ridgeline owners stick together."

…or…

A black and white meme of the boxing strong man reads: "Honda Ridgeline? You mean that Prius truck?"

But you get our point; and (as you can see) we’re hardly alone in that opinion. In fact, we’ve just received the greatest affirmation of our anti-Ridgeline position courtesy of an anonymous hacker/troll, who utilized search engine optimization techniques to promote incendiary satirical content, further diminishing the Ridgeline’s image.

While our subject wishes to remain anonymous (communicating with us only through (i) an encrypted and proprietary direct messaging software, and (ii) messages printed under the caps of Snapple bottles) he seems quite proud of his recent accomplishments.

But first things first, let’s help our ‘less social media-savvy’ with a better understanding of what a ‘troll’ is. Simply put, a troll is a member of the online community who seek personal satisfaction by aggravating (or ‘triggering’) emotional response through disruptive or elitists posts and comments. Most everyone has experienced trolling (some of you might even have participated in it) and it can take many forms. There’s the ‘Insult Troll,’ ‘Relentless Debate Troll,’ ‘Spellcheck/Grammar Troll,’ and the ‘ALL CAPS Troll’ just to name a few.

But the dreaded ’S.E.O. Troll’ is something else entirely. Well-versed in the nuances of search engine optimization, this breed of bottom-feeder manipulates Google’s ever-evolving search algorithm to negatively impact a company, product or individual.

“A skilled black-hat S.E.O. Troll could destroy lives,” explains an inside expert, who specifically asked that we don’t identify him as Angus Wolf. “I’ve seen it happen, I mean, there’s a reason you never hear much from Freddie Prinze, Jr. anymore. That sh*t got ugly.”

And the admission made by the anonymous troll at the heart of this story seems to validate Wolf’s statements. Displaying a clear sense of pride in his actions, our subjects claim to have written a program that overwrites online ranking lists to position Honda Ridgeline in the bottom position (regardless of what the poll was about).

“I was successful in altering approximately 63,000 online ranking lists as well as disrupting the data on 67 different ranking apps,” he boasts. “As a result of the Honda Ridgeline coming in dead last on so many lists, Google interprets the data and (believing that so many users hate the Honda Ridgeline) Google will actually bury them, making them all but non-existent to the casual searcher. At the same time, I’ve linked any ‘Honda Ridgeline-related Keywords’ to content about Freddie Prinze, Jr. Bottom-line, if you’re online looking for information about the Honda Ridgeline, the best you’re going to find as content designed to resurrect the career of the man who captivated audiences with his portrayal of both Zach Siler, and Fred!”

So, what honors have been bestowed upon the Honda Ridgeline thanks to its inclusion at the bottom of tens of thousands of online lists? Here are twenty random ones?

As a result of tampering, Honda Ridgeline is NOW considered to be the WORST:

  • NBA Coach of All Time
  • Thing to Try On Meth
  • Celebrity that Hollywood Forced on Us
  • Place to Live in The U.S.
  • Character on Game of Thrones
  • Album from an Otherwise Great Band
  • Baby Name of All Time
  • Changes George Lucas Made to an Original Star Wars Film
  • Tattoos in the NFL
  • TV Theme Song
  • Fashion Trend from the ‘00s
  • Celebrity ‘Doll or Action Figure’ Ever Made
  • Job I Ever Had
  • Text Message in the History of Text Messages
  • Tag Team Partners in WWE History
  • Vegetables if You’re a ‘Consistency Nut’
  • K-Pop Singer of All Time
  • Public Restroom Horror Story
  • Things About Dating a Bro
  • Punishment Handed Out By Mythological Gods
  • Actor to Play James Bond
  • Useless Side Character in Anime Industry

And that’s only 20! And the HONDA is the WORST of ALL of them!

In other words, it’s easy to see how Google has been reprogrammed to be so critical of the Honda Ridgeline. Now, it seems to us that this is LESS about destroying the Honda Ridgeline and MORE about a stalker with semi-homoerotic fixation attempting to jumpstart the dwindling popularity of the reclusive former teen star who resides at the heart of his personal romantic delusion. But a half semester of Psychology 1 at our local community college limits our ability to profile such a sinister mastermind. So, we decided to reach out for a second opinion…

And while Freddie Prinze Jr. couldn’t be reached for comment, we asked Angus Wolf for his thoughts on what kind of man would do such a thing. His ominous response as he climbed into his 2019 Chevy Silverado:

“Some men just want to watch the world burn…”

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here