MOMO: Chevy’s New Partner in Pushing the C7 Corvette

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A Youtube play screen with a Chevy Corvette is shown with the Momo face in front. In live auto news, GM wants to use Momo in Corvette videos.

Whether we’re talking about the entertainment industry, mainstream media or live auto news, special interests play an immeasurable role in influencing us, how we receive information, and what we perceive to be fact. Here’s an example…

Fact:

the Corvette is an enduring icon, depicting the American love affair with automobiles, the freedom they provide and our overall joy of driving.

Not a Fact:

a demonic, avian creature with stringy-black hair and the bulging eyes of an Epstein-Barr patient will emerge from a YouTube video to lead your children to self-harm.

If there’s one thing we hate here at The Lemon, it’s a fad. In fact, that primal hatred of fast-passing trends is the primary reason why we never (i) pegged our jeans in 1989 (ii) frosted the tips of our hair back in ’01 or (iii) resorted to the use of condoms. But our criticism of fads has been amplified in recent years, based around the speed with which they take hold, thanks to the internet.

As conscientious humans and baseball fans, we were ‘aware’ of ALS (thanks Lou Gehrig) long before anyone nominated us to drop a bucket of ice water on our head. We never felt inclined to eat a TidePod (although, in all fairness, that might have been a show of fiscal prudence because the price of quality detergent is way too high to waste). We can’t tell you what color the dress was. We heard both ‘Yanny’ and ‘Laurel.’ Also, we don’t even know a ‘Kiki,’ or why she would love us? Bottom-line: we’re all adults here. So, in a world of very terrifying (and very REAL) things, how the ‘effing eff’ did Momo almost cripple our nation?

For those living under a rock (or in certain Western Massachusetts valleys) Momo was an internet-fueled urban legend that all-but dominated our social paranoia in late February/early March. Co-opting the photo of a Japanese artist’s sculpture of an unsettlingly cartoonish lady-bird hybrid, a viral hoax was spread naming the creature ‘Momo.’ It deceived people into thinking that the creature (or an image of it) could appear in the middle of YouTube videos visible to impressionable children, frightening them into completing horrible acts. And proving to be the best urban legend since the one that prompted preteen girls to sacrifice their classmate to Slenderman, an irrational fear of the legend (proven to be a hoax) created a very rational fear, as young children grew terrifyingly more aware of ‘Momo’ albeit filtered through unreliable peer communication.

The sculpture of 'Mother Bird" that Momo is based on is shown.
‘Mother Bird’ the Japanese sculpture whose image was used as the basis for ‘Momo’.

Fortunately, Keisuke Aisawa, the 46-year old artist behind the ‘Mother Bird’ sculpture that inspired Momo went public to confirm that the piece had deteriorated and no longer existed. And just like that, the rumor died and parents were able to breathe easy once more. Even if those parents knew the frightening truth… That Momo was very, very real… That she WAS hiding in their children’s videos and really would have killed them.

Keisuke Aisawa, the artist responsible for the sculpture is shown with 'Mother Bird' prior to its completion.
Keisuke Aisawa, the artist responsible for the sculpture shown with the sculpture prior to its completion.

And General Motors executives, equipped with their intimate knowledge of the Dark Arts, are all-too-aware that Momo, a very real ethereal harbinger of death (who can die no more easily than Elizabeth Warren can make new friends) had simply been banished to the ‘Seventh Empty Room’ a multi-dimensional prison regulated by the Order of Oblivion’s Light. And with that in mind, GM execs got to work, carving inverted pentagrams into their nipples, and suckling each others’ blood to pull Momo back from ephemeral banishment and put her to better use.

“We can’t sell  C7 Corvettes to save our life,” shares a senior-level GM employee (and part-time necromancer) who asked that we retain their anonymity. “ Everyone’s so excited about the mid-engine C8 that they’re holding out for it. Hell, it’s gotten so out of hand that we’re fast-approaching a 300-day backlog in terms of moving existing C7s. We really shot ourselves in the foot there…”

So, is it any surprise that GM chose to recruit (or maybe ‘summon’ is a better word) supernatural assistance from the pits of nothingness?

Three GM executives are sitting in a crowd and smiling.
GM execs smile after viewing the ritualistic murder prepared for their entertainment by the 2018-19 College Intern Team.

“Our goal is to disperse the fiery wrath of Momo into YouTube videos that are most likely to be viewed by conservative white males, between the age of 45-55 with gross personal income <$100,000, divorced, and with an interest in professional sports, golfing and classic rock. For the last thirty years, that’s really been the ‘Vette’s sweet spot. So we’re throwing Momo into any YouTube video they might watch, and compelling them to buy a C7 or we’ll kill their families.”

Extreme? This GM exec doesn’t think so, stating, “I mean… We were going to kill them anyway. Blood is blood.”

So, if you fit the description of GM’s target demographic and aren’t interested in buying a C7 Corvette, you might want to stay away from YouTube. And to think your wife wanted to get rid of all those old Playboys. She’ll be thanking you, in case they keep you off YouTube and save you from spending $75,000 because ‘Momo told you to.’

Pffffft… Fucking Karen…

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