Because When You Really Think About It, EVERYTHING in Albany is “Used”

A group of people sitting at a table with the text

According to a new study, when searching for used trucks in Albany, NY drivers might have the highest probability of success, out of anyone in the country. At least that’s according to Perrin Bratt, an aspiring researcher and novelist who is currently promoting his controversial new book, titled “U.S.e Your Dick-o-meter”.

The book which has been called “an affront to the moral evolution of mankind” has been criticized for being “an unwelcome throwback to an uncivilized mindset” by the self-proclaimed #woke generation. Never ones to shy away from controversial positions, we at THE LEMON recently sat down with Mr. Bratt to gain a better understanding of some of his ideas, and what they might mean for the greater-Albany.

“Here in the United States, we use the Imperial measurement system, right? In fact, we fall somewhere into the 1-5% of the world that doesn’t use the metric system. While I’m not here to compare yards and meters, the discrepancy poses an interesting point. That even, as humans sharing this world, we’re unable to agree upon a single standardization for measuring our shared experience. And if we can all just agree that the measurement of one’s experiences is unique, then I plan to measure everything with my deeeeee-ock.”

(And to be clear, by ‘deeeeee-ock’, Mr. Bratt means ‘his penis’…)

And Bratt’s book applies his goal to nearly every experience one might have in a nomadic lifestyle, traveling across the U.S. From coast-to-coast, he has cataloged everything from dining and retail experiences to sight-seeing and general entertainment, using a rating system built around how sexually invigorating he considers the subject.

“Here are some highlights for you,” the author offers, flipping through his own dog-eared copy of the text. “A trip to The Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada? Solid 9. A pair of Bonobos Non-Iron Slim Fit Cotton Chinos in a high-end Chicago store? 10. Attending pretty much any concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater? Another 10. But on the other hand, what about ordering the “Daily Catch” fresh seafood special at a roadside diner in Nebraska. The smell of methane as you drive past a vented landfill in Delaware? Talking to just about any native of Staten Island? Those kind of boner-billers are going to rate much lower on my dick-o-meter. And I’ll tell you what, it becomes real easy to figure out how a city will rate once you establish a single pattern on the ol’ dick-o-meter.”

So, where does that leave Albany?

“Oh. Albany’s gross. I mean, sure…it’s pleasing to the eye and possesses a sense of national and historical significance, but it’s a steaming piece of shit. In my research I learned two things that speak to the expectation of “quality” in Albany. First, do you know that Albany restaurants will reheat their cheese-covered tater tots for hours rather than make you a fresh batch? Also, I never once found a virgin over the age of 18, in Albany. In fact, most of Albany’s options are pretty damn scary. It’s like everything in that down is used. And while that might make my dick sad, it’s probably a good sign that you’ll find a wider selection of used trucks in Albany.”

So, there you have it…straight from Perrin Bratt’s penis, Albany is a great place to find your next used truck!


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