Exposed: The War on Diesel

A man is lifting weights is in the bed of a truck that is popular among diesel trucks for sale, outside of Planet Fitness

Hypothetical situation: there are three things you can go in pursuit of, but you must only choose two. So if given the choice of bagels, pizza, or diesel trucks for sale – which would you choose? According to recent speculation, you might need to choose fast.

With sustainability resting at the forefront of automotive innovation, it stands to reason that many automakers are stressing the value of diesel powertrains. Offering superior fuel economy in most cases, it makes good sense. But with one of diesel’s strongest proponents being Volkswagen, the whole cause feels guilty of self-sabotage. Consider VW’s never-ending woes evolving around their self-inflicted emissions scandal. Then think of their well-publicized electrification strategy. If the diesel powertrain’s largest mainstream supporter is actively working against the cause, what’s the legitimate long-term viability of diesel?

It’s an interesting question. It’s almost as interesting as recent speculation that a publicly-traded franchise might be driving anti-diesel sentiment; but arguably not quite as interesting as the reason why. The story begins with an onslaught of super-annoying buzz words like flexible equity position, fearless ideation, and lunk, and it ends in a bullshit stream of political correctness and the loss of liberty.

For those unfamiliar, TSG Consumer Partners LLC is a bi-coastal capital investment firm with offices in both San Francisco and New York City. With an advertised presence in household, lifestyle, personal care, pet, restaurant, and retail industries, TSG is committed to growing wealth through investment in promising enterprise. And, since 2013, TSG has also been an equity partner in none other than Planet Fitness.

Planet Fitness, who might be best known as “The Judgment Free Zone” has often been criticized for propagating a built-in culture of hypocrisy. For example, everyone is welcome unless you (a) train aggressively (b) wear a tank top (c) believe in hydrating enough to bring your own water jug, or (d) exhibit any characteristics that would set of their “lunk alarm.” In other words, it’s a fitness center that discriminates against most people who are into fitness. And now, having waged those noble battles for the betterment of enablement, those Planet Fitness wing-nuts are now waging war on colloquialisms.

An advertisement for Planet Fitness is shown on a pink background that promotes not seeing results.

“Diesel is such an ugly word,” explains Nate Hanks, VP of Ideation at TSG (and Planet Fitness Black Card Member). “Not only is it commonly associated with air pollution, but it’s a term commonly used by lunks (short for ‘lunkhead’ ie: someone who grunts, drops weights and judged others) to get each other pumped up. ‘Dude, you’re so diesel!’ ‘Lookin’ diesel, bro!’ As a Planet Fitness partner, we understand the inherent danger of such terms and, as such, we are committed to eliminating them in order to make this world a better place.”

But what impact could an investment firm possibly have over the global automotive industry? According to industry pundits such Venture Capitalist Kyle Murray, you might be surprised. “Who’s more likely to buy a car: someone who’s physically fit and capable of transporting themselves from Point A to Point B, or someone whose idea of fitness is hitting an elliptical machine long enough to post a picture of it on Facebook with hashtags like #gainz #swole or #bettermeeveryday? With the onset of automotive computerization and the dwindling attention spans of today’s youth, we can expect fewer and fewer self-made mechanics and gear heads with each passing year. Eventually, we will just be force-fed tech-heavy cars that we have no idea how to work on, and there will be no enthusiast base to speak of. In all elements of our existence, we’re basically being turned into Planet Fitness members — uninspired, and looking for a reward for doing the least possible amount of work.”

That’s right; you might lose your capable vehicle to the affordable and accessible gym for people afraid of gyms. Of course, for TSG to be successful, they’ll first have to mobilize their troops. And if there’s one word used to describe two-thirds of Planet Fitness members, it’s probably not ‘mobile.’

So, while your days of enjoying a diesel-powered truck could conceivably be numbered, the good news is you could offset your disappointment with a Planet Fitness Black Card, allowing you to enjoy unlimited use of both the hydro-massage and tanning beds. Plus, you can get pizza on the first Monday of every month, and bagels on the second Tuesday. Because…you know…fitness.


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