Recently, the good ol’ Ford Motor Company issued a recall on more than 700,000 vehicles here in the US for a fairly simple but pretty valid reason: the backup cameras can show distorted images or simply go dark. Once again, for the people in the back: the backup cameras, which have one job, showing you what’s behind you in a clear way, are failing to do that one thing. In fact, rather than just offering a blurry image, they can simply stop working whatsoever and leave you with nothing.
The list of models affected by this problem is huge: the Ford F-Series trucks, Ford Explorer, Mustang, Expedition, Escape, and Edge, along with a couple of Lincoln models. So anyone out there with a 2020 Ford Expedition not only has to suffer the reality of owning and driving a Ford Expedition, but also has to deal with this now too!? At a certain point, you’re just relieving yourself on the beaten-up remains of a dead horse.
But it’s worse than we initially feared. I’ve recently received, from insider sources deep in the swollen bowels of the Ford Motor Company, a memo detailing a number of other issues that have been found with numerous Ford vehicles. And some of these are quite startling…
Might this be actual footage of a focus group session at Ford HQ?
Steering Wheels that Don’t Steer
When I first read about this issue, I assumed there was some kind of simple fault with the steering system causing the problem. Perhaps a drive shaft (that’s a thing, right?) would become disconnected, or an issue with the steering column (pretty sure that’s also a thing, I had notes, but they all blew away, and one was stolen by a particularly mean-looking goose, so I’m not going after it, you do it!). But no, it’s much more complicated than that.
Apparently, at irregular intervals and for no discernible reason, certain Ford vehicles will begin moving of their own volition. What’s more, the steering wheel will begin to move on its own as well, transferring that movement up through the arms of the driver and into his or her mind. Drivers that have experienced this effect noted that they began to speak in languages they didn’t know, saying cruel and obscene things to their families, whispering about the ancient ones in the outer darkness, and calling for the resurrection of Asmodeus Edward Ford.
Whatever the cause of this issue, one thing is clear: they have seen us and know our innermost thoughts.
Triangular Wheels Made of Wood
So, this one really surprised me, because of the few things I’m absolutely sure of in this world, one of them is that wheels are supposed to be round. People figured that out thousands of years ago… it’s pretty much engineering and design 101. You go to the first class, bright-eyed and ready to learn, and the professor walks in, coughs up a small quantity of blood into a handkerchief, and says, “Good morning class – first lesson: wheels are round,” but no!
Ford’s engineers apparently began working with some new mathematical ideas, chief among them the notion that less is more. One of them mentioned that their current wheels had 360 degrees and seemingly countless line segments to it. By the next day, that had gone down significantly – I’ve heard as low as 218 degrees and 47 line segments; a week later, it was down to four lines, but back up to 360 degrees. By the end of the month, they had it cracked: three lines, 180 degrees, and no looking back.
Apparently, the idea to make them out of wood came from an interior designer that wanted to see more “luxury materials” on the exterior. In fairness, it’s really nice wood, and they certainly look luxurious as they slam down, and you feel your colon shift, ever-so-gently, against your lungs.
With most vehicles, when a light malfunctions, it merely goes out – or at worst, begins to blink or strobe in an unpleasant manner. The Ford F-Series of trucks, however, have recently been plagued by lights that can sporadically start not only failing to cast light but, in fact, cast a true darkness. These beams have been described as darker than the moonless sky; those that have felt them describe a cold that chills to their very bones.
One developer referred to it as an “unlight” and spoke in hushed tones about the creatures that dwell within it. There was talk of shadowy figures, much like a spider in shape, but far grander in size than any that live in the light. These things devour light, belching out a darkness that they spin into twisted webs that cling to your very soul, leaving you withered and hopeless, ensnared, and waiting to be devoured.
Thus far, Ford has commented to say only that this is being seen as a “feature,” rather than a problem or a concern.
Accelerating Brake Pedals
Recently, there were several reports from drivers of Ford Explorers about malfunctioning brake pedals. In these instances, not only did the brake pedal fail to slow the vehicle down, but the application of the brakes actually began to accelerate the vehicle. At this point, the drivers thought perhaps something was reversed, and applied pressure to the accelerator, only for it to increase their speed even further.
So far, these reports have been received via phone calls from panicked drivers, seemingly unable to halt their vehicle’s acceleration. Estimates indicate it will take two or three years, at the current rate, for the first Ford Explorer to reach the speed of light, at which point the vehicle and its driver and passengers will become pure energy without mass. Of course, this has already happened at some point in a space-time that we simply haven’t caught up to yet.
Recently, there was a report of a Ford Mustang spotted passing vehicles with a unique bumper that was made of glass. Not some kind of impressive, reinforced glass either; simple, jagged shards of razor-sharp crystal. Whether this vehicle rolled out of the factory like this, or if it had a more refined glass bumper to begin with, which has been turned into a horrifying death machine through use, is as-of-yet unknown. Ford has confirmed the glass bumper is an OEM product, however, and not an aftermarket addition.
Similarly, a number of Lincoln vehicles have confounded owners as they realize their seatbelts are lined throughout with glass. The all-glass interior of the seatbelts doesn’t initially present a problem, surrounded as it is by a luxurious coating of synthetic material. Over time, however, the outer layers wear down, and the inner crystalline blades begin to emerge. There haven’t been any serious injuries or deaths so far, though at least one driver was reported to scream aggressively for someone to kill him rather than make him drive his Lincoln any further. I don’t blame him.
Non-Glass Windshields and Windows
Numerous Ford models, as many as 1.5 million, may also be affected by a strange manufacturing flaw in which the standard windows and windshield have been replaced with concrete slabs. Most drivers report they didn’t notice much of an issue at first, since they always drove like they were the only person on the road anyway, and anything that happened was someone else’s problem. As backup cameras begin to fail, however, this leaves the driver completely unable to see the world outside the vehicle.
Though, at this point, who would want to?
Editor’s Note: We’ve reached out to our contacts at Ford Motor Company for comment on these and any other problems they are currently investigating. According to the phone call we received in response, it’s none of our damn business, and we should shut the hell up. Since we want to attend the next big unveiling from Ford, we’re going to follow their instructions, and we recommend you do too. Thank you.