It’s tiring running the country (…into the ground), and unfortunately, all that stress can sometimes lead to maladaptive coping behaviors. Leadership by tyranny on the Twitter platform has caused long-term mental and physical damage to Mr. Trump, our favorite former president. As he leaves the White House in a 2021 Ford Escape Hybrid donated by his last 17 loyal followers, affectionately known as The Trumpist 17, Mr. Trump is facing a long road to recovery.
Most despots face firing squads, so we’re sure Trump is happy to just be headed to rehab. The intervention that led to a unilateral decision that mandatory Twitter rehab was not only necessary, but urgent, was spearheaded by Unabomber-bearded Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey. The rest of the panel included Rachel Maddow (looking a bit rabid), AOC, who was sporting a red pantsuit in the same hue as Mr. Trump’s favorite power tie, and his own wife, the lovely Melania Trump, looking resplendent in black.
While cameras weren’t allowed in the room, we’re told the intervention went smoothly. Trump declared it “the best intervention in history,” exclaiming that “no one has ever had such a great intervention” and “we’d never see such a spectacular intervention if the Democrats were in charge.” Sadly, his attempts to tweet 160 characters of self-aggrandized Twitter-junkie speak were thwarted by the Secret Service, who remained clandestinely anchored in the back of the room with signal blockers at the ready.
The strip search was apparently very difficult for Mr. Trump, but one highlight came when he proudly revealed his “Nancy Pelosi sucks” tramp stamp tattoo and repeatedly asked the nurses to post a picture on their social media accounts with the hashtags #lifeinprison and #nancyantoinette. While we hear they respectfully demurred, at least one anonymous employee leaked a photo of Trump’s other tattoo, which turned out to be the nuclear launch codes. Needless to say, the NY Times and several other news outlets retracted the photo almost immediately.
Our source revealed that the former leader of the free world requested high-speed internet, a request that was promptly denied due to the cavity search netting two burner phones and a charger. These were neatly arranged and quite easily retrieved, so the story goes. We elected to stop asking about it after that. Also found on Mr. Trump’s person were a variety of office supplies, likely lifted from the West Wing upon his departure.
Trump bristled at the ‘no media’ rule and immediately began to rage, his face turning from its baseline Oompa Loompa orange hue to a shiny tomato red. We’ve all seen how he gesticulates when he speaks, especially when he’s making an emphatic point. We’re told his arm movements were so frantic that he exacerbated the chronic tweet-related carpal tunnel syndrome he developed while in office.
The First Week
Mr. Trump continued asking for a tee time and access to his wardrobe of Saville Row suits for the first few days, but he seemed to relax into his newfound gray jumpsuit life and began looking forward to a daily game of checkers (he plays himself and always goads the loser). His fellow patients grew tired of watching reenactments of his top 10 debate zingers and “gotcha” moments, and eventually, the staff had to hand out complimentary earplugs.
A fellow patient had the opportunity to peruse Trump’s bookshelf and found a rather alarming collection of Genghis Khan war strategy guides scattered among dog-eared copies of each of Mr. Trump’s own books. The patient reported feeling particularly alarmed by the custom-made banner stretching across the width of his bedroom (a.k.a. cell) wall, which displayed a most disturbing quote by Machiavelli that we feel is journalistically inappropriate to reveal.
Mr. Trump was ordered to remain at least six feet away from the female population after a dust-up over equality and physical appearance with a 45-year-old patient that meekly asked for an autograph. Trump, after deciding she wasn’t pretty enough to engage in normal conversation, reprimanded the frightened woman for not wearing heels, a form-fitting dress, and a Trump campaign button, and called her crazy.
What Lies Ahead
Former President Donald J. Trump is on day 30 of a 90-day stint in Twitter rehab. He is unsure of his future plans, but when pressed, The Donald hopes to continue building his real estate empire. New York is out, due to the long list of arrest warrants, lawsuits, and tax liens, so we hear he’s eyeing Northern Alaska. He hopes to build a thriving urban hub for business and nightlife, and we’re told he’s interested in the ice-selling business, noting the large Eskimo population. His donated Ford Escape Hybrid should be spacious enough to haul some ice around, we expect.
What’s not as certain is his future marital status. The lovely Mrs. Trump is conspicuously absent from DJ’s visitor list and was last spotted virtually when someone swiped right on her Tinder profile. The unsuspecting swiper quickly reversed his decision after several anti-Trump bloggers posted scathing commentary, laced with micro-aggressions accusing the gentleman of indirectly Trumpmongering, along with screenshots of the exchange.
As for daughter Ivanka, she’s a regular visitor and is often seen lugging a banker’s box full of election-tampering evidence. Our staff insider reported that Mr. Trump is never happier than when his daughter visits. They exchange few words, opting instead to strategize over the contents of well-worn files (organized by state, blue states first) conspiratorially. Several months of this focused effort have led to a few below-the-fold headlines regarding Mr. Trump’s latest effort to prove that he still belongs in the White House. Unfortunately, the American public is largely indifferent, a truth Trump denies.
Meanwhile, the 2021 Ford Escape Hybrid sits motionless in a Manhattan-area parking garage owned, of course, by Trump. We snuck in to snap a photo or two and must admit that the locking boot attached to the rear tire confused us. A deeper dive uncovered that incoming President Joe Biden decided to ungift the adorable little SUV, and as such, the dealer has commenced repossession efforts. We think that won’t bode well for his planned trip to Alaska.
It’s likely 2021 won’t be a banner year for The Donald. However, his faction of relentless truth seekers tirelessly continues their “Reinstate Trump” effort in the shadows, sending encouragement to Trump in the form of aspirational haikus about Air Force One and posting selfies – on Twitter, of course! – donning (no pun intended) white-blond wigs.
There is no end to his fan base’s loyalty and no sign of self-respect that we could find, even after MSNBC aired a three-part docuseries comparing them to fascist-loving Maduro supporters (we can’t imagine a more insulting comparison…a Venezuelan narco-terrorist president?). Their response? At least Maduro takes a stand. Under intense political pressure, Mr. Trump yet again declined to condemn his band of merry fascists, instead, laughing them off as “frustrated American patriots.”
Tomorrow’s another day, Mr. Trump. As you embrace the life of a private (incarcerated) citizen, we bid you adieu and wish you nothing but success as you overcome your Twitter addiction. Next up: carpal tunnel surgery. After that, it’s anyone’s guess. We suspect the expansion of The Trump Organization into Alaska’s frozen tundra will net the results he rightly deserves. And we mean that with all due sincerity. Thank you for your service, Mr. Trump! Hopefully, your Ford Escape Hybrid finds itself a better, more worthy owner.
Editors Note: After hearing about the abuse the poor 2021 Ford Escape Hybrid endured being stuffed by a giant Cheeto, we went where no other journalists have gone before. We started a class-action lawsuit demanding retribution for any suffering the Escape has gone through. #SaveTheEscape