How to Tell if Your Jeep is Plotting to Kill You

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A man is running from a black Jeep Wrangler that is off-roading over rocks.

Friends, (I’m not your friend, but I’m starting this article this way so you feel like I can relate to you – rather than realizing this is being produced as a result of 17 algorithms designed to monitor online traffic and produce content that you’ll consume like the adoring servant we want you to be), I’m sure you’ve seen the same recent news reports that I have; innocent people savagely killed by their Jeeps, which has resulted in a tremendous glut of used Jeeps for sale.

If you’re anything like me, then you might be wondering how you can protect yourself against these vicious, vehicular assassins. Well, I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news… oh, so much bad news! The bad news is that you can’t. If a Jeep attacks, then there’s nothing you can do – you’re not going to be able to fight off a thousand pounds of machinery hell-bent on your destruction. Just enjoy the moment as a final, stark reminder that you were alive.

The good news, however, is that there are some warning signs you can watch out for. Your best chance at survival against the violent, Jeep onslaught is to realize it’s going to happen ahead of time and avoid the attack. That’s why I’m here today to provide you with the wisdom and guidance you need. And, at the end of this, I’ll share the final secret with you, the ultimate answer that will ensure your survival…

Trust Yourself

A 'Jeep girl' is sitting on the hood of her modified white Jeep Wrangler.
As shown in this image, it’s important to approach your Jeep slowly and cautiously. Whenever possible, elevate yourself to assert dominance. This is especially important if your Jeep is lifted.

The first indicators that your Jeep might be plotting your downfall will be things that you can pick up on in a myriad of ways (we’ll get to what some of those things are in a moment). But, in order to actually register any of this, you need to trust yourself: trust your instincts and trust your senses. When you see something, you need to believe your eyes.

For example, you might leave your Jeep in the garage, the tires all straight like you do every evening when you get home. But, in the morning, when you get ready to head out for the day, you notice that one of the tires is shifted slightly off-center. Now, your first thought could be to dismiss this and assume you simply do not accurately remember how you left it. This is a fatal mistake! Trust your senses, trust your instincts – your paranoia is your greatest defense.

When you’re sitting at a red light, your Jeep is idling gently, and you think you hear the sound of whispering from your engine: that’s real. Don’t dismiss it – don’t turn your music up and ignore it. You need to trust yourself and know that no matter how insane the things your senses relay to you might seem, they are real, and you need to take action!

Watch for Changes in Behavior

As I just mentioned above, you need to trust yourself when you notice little things that are different about your Jeep: these can all be warnings about changes in behavior. For example, if you make a left turn that seems a little sharper than usual, that could tell you everything you need to know. You might think that you turned the wheel a bit differently, but it could just as likely be that your Jeep is starting to become self-aware and will ultimately desire to destroy its human master very, very soon.

Similarly, the engine of your Jeep might’ve sounded a little different yesterday. Don’t be tempted to take your vehicle to a shop for service – that’s only endangering someone else! No, no, it’s time to start taking action and making plans on how to survive and escape an attack. Based on research from the University of [Name Redacted], changes in engine sounds are among the most common early warning signs that a Jeep might be getting ready to commit murder.

A man is sitting in his Jeep Wrangler with used Jeeps for sale shown behind him.
The last known image of Jack Delaney, 56, of Bethesda MD moments before he was murdered in cold blood. Police are not releasing details as to whether he was killed by his own Jeep or another vehicle within his Jeep Club.

Many of the changes in behavior are subtle, even subconscious for the Jeep – they don’t even realize they are betraying their devilish intent. A slight flutter of the headlights could easily be ignored or missed by most drivers. But you’re not most drivers – you’re a survivor, and you know a warning sign when you see it!

Little Ways to Prepare Yourself

Now that you understand what to watch for, you need to be ready to take action. As I said earlier, if your Jeep attacks, you have an effective survival rate of 0.00% There’s nothing you can do at that point but accept what’s happening and hope you’re one of the lucky ones with a Jeep that is blithely efficient in its manslaughter, rather than needlessly sadistic.

Preparing for the possibility of a killer Jeep is your best defense so that when you see the warning signs, you’ll be ready. First, always have an exit strategy. If you have a Wrangler, then you have some hope – always drive without the doors and roof, and preferably with the windshield down. If you’re in a residential neighborhood, be sure to play your music loudly so everyone knows how awesome you are and can see that you’re fully prepared to hit the trail in your specialized off-road machine, which gleams in the midday sun without a speck of mud or dirt upon it.

Next, have a survival bag prepared, and always keep it with you in your Jeep. I suggest a large, black duffel bag with the following items in it:

  • One roll of duct tape
  • Three lengths of rope measuring 15’
  • One pair of black leather gloves
  • One flashlight
  • One bottle of ether and one rag

With this bag, you’ll be ready to make your escape if you think your Jeep is getting ready to attack. It’s very important that you try to keep this bag concealed when it’s in your vehicle, but you should deliberately fail to do so. For example, you could keep it in the back seat, perhaps slightly under the rear seat, but with enough of it poking out that someone looking into your vehicle (maybe during a routine traffic stop) would see it and ask about it.

If anyone asks you about the bag, I recommend you begin sweating aggressively and look around in a nervous manner, then say the following: “It’s nothing. It’s empty. I mean it just has food in it, for my dog. His name’s ‘Killer.’ It’s nothing!” Your best chance is to grow louder and seemingly more erratic as you provide your answer. Trust me; you’ll be fine.

A woman is shown in front of an accident scene involving a Jeep at night.

The #1 Rule for Survival

I’m proud of you for making it this far; it shows a willingness to survive and the desire to be prepared for the inevitable. Well done. But if you’ve learned absolutely nothing else from this brief illumination of the automotive killer’s mind, then please remember the following. It is essential to your survival:

No matter where you go, there you are.

Editor’s Note: We would like to take this moment to remind all of our readers that your vehicle is not out to kill you. Even if you own a Jeep, for some reason, you’re probably not going to awaken in the dark of night to find it idling softly in your bedroom, a large kitchen knife held gracefully in its front grille. Ignore the voices coming from the engine and remember to fall asleep, facing away from your bedroom door. Thank you.

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