If you know anything about the auto industry, then you should know this: long has it been entrenched in the dark arts of sorcery and witchcraft. The internal combustion engine is, after all, nothing more than the inevitable evolution of the ancient bubbling pot of herbs and ingredients used in the most arcane of eldritch arts. And so it should come as no surprise (yet, somehow, for many of you I’m sure it will) that the 2021 Kia Soul EV is building upon that twisted foundation of mysticism to create the most disgusting of all imaginable alternative energy sources.
Don’t be fooled by “news” stories about batteries and electric vehicles––the 2021 Kia Soul EV’s nefarious power source is right there in the name: THE HUMAN SOUL! That’s right; the latest development from Kia is a car that combines the foul magic of necromancy with the developing field of technomancy to create a true automotive abomination. I kicked down the doors of the abandoned tuberculosis treatment hospital where Kia’s engineers here in the US perform their malevolent rituals to get to the bottom of this inhuman technology.
What I found was shocking beyond the pale…
The Roots of Necromancy
Before we delve into the nightmarish reality of the 2021 Kia Soul EV, I need to make sure you have a proper understanding of what we’re talking about here. Let’s begin with necromancy. Now, you’ve probably heard the word before, and I assume it conjures up images of weird, cloaked old men with robust sideburns, spending hours hunched over moldy tomes in search of mysteries mortals were never meant to understand. And it should because that’s spot on!
When a lot of people consider necromancy, they envision skeletons rising from graves to carry out the perverse commands of their eldritch masters. That’s only part of it, however, as necromancy is ultimately about the magic of death––and death involves not only the physical body but also the immortal soul. It is through unspeakable necromantic rituals and arts that certain powerful elders in this world have expanded their lifespans by many hundreds of years through keeping their souls tied to their bodies.
This is the sort of necromancy that the designers and engineers at Kia have utilized in developing the 2021 Kia Soul EV. I mean, it’s right there in the name! Through methods too horrifying for me to describe here, they have managed to build an engine fueled by life energy itself. An engine that required more than mere necromancy…
Foundations in Technomancy
If you are unfamiliar with technomancy, then know that you’re not alone––it’s a relatively new form of The Art, one that seeks to leave behind the primitive notions of druidism and elementalism for modern magical insights. In particular, this is a school of sorcery devoted to the blending of the arcane and the technological in a way that is both seamless and unimaginably destructive.
Initially popular with a number of “hackers,” technomancy has really exploded in popularity as modern technology has boomed in previously unimaginable ways. After all, the ability to magically merge or manipulate a room full of punch-card memory banks is not particularly flashy or impressive to most people. Being able to “mindslide” through a wet-wire into the Internet and project your thoughts across 100 million computers in real-time, however, is far more interesting and not a bad way to ask a lady out on a date.
Automotive applications of technomancy have been explored for decades, but there were some limits in the past. Engines and physical mechanisms have some arcane potential, but they were ultimately restricted by the physics of mysticism. Modern cars, with computer systems and more elaborate technological marvels, on the other hand, have really opened up the potential for diving deeper into vehicular technomancy. And so, we come to this…
Merging of Arcane Disciplines
The 2021 Kia Soul EV relies on the merging of these two arcane disciplines, where necromancy and technomancy meet to create something new and truly abhorred. True sorcery has always had the potential for abuse, and listing the litany of monstrous creations that The Art has spawned over the millennia of mankind’s history would be an undertaking of impossible proportion. Where it becomes truly diabolic, however, is when more than one specialization comes together; the potential for horror races forward exponentially in the wake of such opportunity.
Such is the case with the 2021 Kia Soul EV, as necromancy and technomancy have finally worked together. Kia’s designers started with the engine and worked backward. They knew they could produce an engine that left the old limitations of the flame behind and make something far more powerful. Early experiments, from the records I seized from their facility, indicate they tried to power this new engine with all manner of energy sources. One early test version used aeromancy to generate perpetual storms, thundering beneath the hood of the car, generating power through lightning strikes within the engine––but this proved unpredictable.
Kia’s technomancers worked tirelessly to design the perfect engine, one seemingly capable of the impossible goal: endless power. One test used divination to try to provide power to the vehicle by plotting out the position of the celestial bodies and then predicting where the vehicle might be based on mystical insight, and then project the car to that potential location through quantum divination. But this proved fruitless.
Finally, one of the elders who oversees the terrible rituals necessary to maintain Kia’s position as a competitive auto manufacturer visited the engineers working on their new project. A recording of this event shows the ancient creature looking over their work, listening thoughtfully as they explained what they were trying to do, and considering each possibility with quiet contemplation, the antediluvian machinations of his thoughts gleaming in his bright eyes. After hearing their concerns, the old one lifted a hand, tore the soul from a nearby auto worker, and hurled it into the depths of the fiery cauldron used to power a nearby test vehicle.
The car ran for eight days without the need for further energy. They had found their solution.
The Great Cost
Of course, this kind of raw efficiency required the utter annihilation of a human soul, a cost far too great for reliable, ongoing power. The 2021 Kia Soul EV built for release will draw only a fraction of your soul from your body while you drive, burning it away into oblivion to stoke the unthinkable furnace within its engine. This way, you can keep driving without the need to stop for gas and with only mild irritation as your life essence is stripped away and eradicated. But that’s not so bad; one tester described the sensation as similar to working a 40-hour week while earning minimum wage.
So that’s something to look forward to.
Editor’s Note: When we reached out to a Kia spokesperson for comment, we received the following reply: “The power source for the 2021 Kia Soul EV is a confidential, proprietary engine that is currently protected by several patents, numerous international IP laws, and seven diamond sigils carved into the great horn of Shia’baaluth.” We’re not really sure what that means, but not to be outdone, we’ve heard rumors of upcoming announcements for the “2021 Buick Enslave,” and the “2022 Chevy Spark of Creation,” so check back soon for more information. Thank you.