SJW Protester

Of any automotive brand loyalists, none may be more rabid or unwavering in their dedication than Jeep enthusiasts. From the creation of weekend and off-roading clubs, to the organization of Jeep nights held in restaurant and mall parking lots, the Jeep community has grown to earn bonafide subculture status within our society.

“It’s Jeep Life,” explained Sven Slahtgrille, managing director of the Jeep Dealership Denver drivers consider the eighth best in the city. “It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about the Wrangler, the Renegade or the Grand Cherokee, a Jeep is the finest vehicle ever made. Nah, I’m just kidding. Only the Wrangler is.”

It was at this point when Mr. Slahtgrille went (frightening) dead in the eyes adding, “In fact, every vehicle aside from the Jeep Wrangler deserves to be wiped from the face of the Earth. And we will…this I vow this to you.”

At The Lemon, we feel it’s important to point out that the vast majority of Jeep owners are perfectly content in sharing a Jeep Wave. There is no indication that Slahgrille’s statements are shared by the Jeep community, in any way.

We spoke to Massachusetts-based Jeep (and cheesy bread) enthusiast, Brandon Parker and asked him his thoughts on the controversial comments. “Well, I’m not really sure about the whole ‘ridding the world of every vehicle except for Jeeps’ thing, but that’s just because I’m a good person.”

But while the vast majority of non-Jeep driving motorists give little thought to the impact of such strong statements in the wake of the iconic automaker’s ever-growing popularity, there are those who aren’t as quite as warm-and-fuzzy about such divisive comments.

“What we’re talking about here is autocide,” explained Agent Richard Bonerton, of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Boston office. “Mr. Slahtgrille’s statement indicates a publicly-voiced intention to facilitate a global elimination of all vehicles that aren’t Jeeps. Not since Adolph Hitler have we seen such immoral veracity directed towards one particular group.”

In the wake of Mr. Slahtgrille’s comments, protests formed nationwide, most commonly on college campuses, where many of the students claimed that they no longer felt safe. Perhaps the greatest impact was felt in Massachusetts, where nearly all of the 114 colleges within state lines became inundated with protesters. Ranging from those who drive Prius’ to those who drive their parents BMW (including even those who bill their parents’ AMEX for Uber or Lyft charges) the tension was palpable.

As one protestor so eloquently screamed at us, “EAT. SLEEP. DON’T BUY JEEP.”

The Lemon attempted to reach the offices of Senator Warren Elizabeth for comment. While no formal response was given, we did receive the following statement:

“The office of Senator Warren Elizabeth, and the Senator herself would like to thank you for your interest in her position on this topic. Unfortunately, she is unwilling to comment as her heritage is offended by any automaker who takes such pride in ‘selling Cherokee’.”

With diligent follow-ups, we had hoped she would re-evaluate her position on speaking to us. Nevertheless, she persisted…


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