CDC Says, “Safe to Pick Up Hitchhikers Again”
When I was seven years old, a neighbor gave me a piece of advice that I’ve never forgotten: he said, “When the next great pandemic comes, remember that the CDC is the voice of reason that you should trust when making all health and automotive decisions.” Those words seemed strange in the mid-1980s, but they ring true now, and...
5 Names Chevy Rejected for the Silverado EV
At this point, you’ve heard all about the 2024 Chevy Silverado EV, an all-electric truck that’s sure to take the industry by storm. You’ve likely heard its noteworthy specs, from the 10,000 lb towing capacity to the 400 miles of range from a full charge. We’re all very impressed by its 660 hp and 780 lb-ft of torque, even...
Secrets of Ford Blue Advantage Program Revealed!
Right now, it’s 2:24 in the morning, and I find myself unable to sleep – I slept for about an hour when I awoke in a start from a fairly detailed and highly erotic dream featuring a very large and hairy wolf-spider that had the face of my seventh-grade math teacher. As usual, when I can’t sleep, I decided...
Don’t Miss These 5 Tricks to Sell Your Car for More Money!
Let me guess why you’re here: you’ve been drinking heavily, texted a few exes, made yourself a large sandwich, and now you’re rethinking many of the decisions you’ve made throughout your life. Chief among them being the hideous vehicle you’ve got out in the driveway; you decided you want to get rid of it, but you’re not sure how....
You’ll Never Believe These Tricks to Save Money on a Used Car (Salesmen Hate #4!)
Buying a used car is like going into battle: you need to be prepared, you need to stay sharp, and there’s a fairly high chance you’ll die. Also, the entire thing is a pointless display of sword-waving in order to ensure wealthy people become even wealthier. Before you go searching for used cars for sale near you, it’s important...
GM Announces New “Lidless Eye” Initiative
Few things in this sullen world excite me quite so much as when car companies announce exciting new promotional campaigns for their vehicles. Whether it’s a brilliantly conceived slogan or advertising phrase, or some kind of cross-promotion with a movie I’m interested in, any time a car company finds a new way to advertise to me, I know things...
Woman Determined To Reinvent Herself Faced With Own Bumper Stickers
The new year is supposed to be a time of rebirth and renewal, a clean slate on which people can begin to write entirely new versions of themselves, but now even after the ball drop one North Caldwell woman is finding that sort of reinvention difficult thanks to some questionable automotive life decisions. Cindy Bacala was just 17 when...
2022 Brings Big Changes to Toyota CPO Terms
If you’ve been thinking about visiting your local Certified Pre-Owned Toyota dealer, but you’ve been waiting in hopes that the car market will get better in the New Year, then you’ve made a terrible mistake. Fortune favors the bold, as they say, and in this case, your hesitation has resulted in you missing out on some of the best...
A PSA on Vehicular Original Owner Abandonment and Emotional Distress Syndrome
The following is a Public Service Announcement from your Local Certified Pre-Owned Ford Explorer dealers.
Has your Explorer been gloomy? Has it flashed its lights at other Explorers in a “Save Me!” kind of way? Has it tried to eject you from your seat? Have you woken up to find that your driveway is empty? Devoid of your beloved three-row...
Blinded By The Light: New LEDs Allow Drivers To Rev Up Like A Douche
For Jake Levy, the hunt for a new SUV boiled down to two choices: the 2022 Jeep Grand Cherokee L vs 2022 Kia Telluride. Levy had done endless research online, scouring reviews and forums, but still didn’t have the answer to his most vital question: which one has the most obnoxious headlights?
In a world where state and local governments...
Study: Rate Of Divorce Tied Directly to Holiday Car Purchases
It was a scene right out of a holiday car commercial: Gary Donovan brought his wife out into the driveway on Christmas morning, removed her blindfold, and watched her eyes widen as she took in her brand-new 2022 Honda Accord. Adorned with a giant red bow, the car glistened in the winter’s morning light, and it wasn’t the only...
Toyota (and Others) Want You to Smash that Subscribe Button
My readers, you wise and prosperous fools, I come to you today with a vision: my vision for the auto industry and what it should be. Fortunately, this is not merely a singular aspiration, nor one that I’ve kept to myself. For years now, I’ve slowly been whispering these thoughts into the ears of the heads of numerous car...
CPO Was Just the Beginning
As former President Abraham Lincoln once said, “The auto industry is a decaying giant, lumbering in a deathless, somnambulist march toward a vast and ineffable ocean of delirious atrocity and thoughtless desolation.” Most people don’t realize those words came from his third State of the Union Address, but I really think it cuts to the core of American manufacturing...
The Latest in Tik-Tok Trends: Cooking in Cars
I’m always looking to catch the latest trends on Tik-Tok, and I decided to see if I can start a new one by baking in a performance vehicle. You see, I grew up in a home where my Dad was a big car enthusiast, and my Mom had a passion for baking. They never put their two loves together,...
Cheap Cars Are Best Cars
If you’re a long-time reader of my work, as you should be, then you know this about me: I don’t like to divulge personal details about myself or give my opinion when providing a clear, concise, and unbiased perspective on the auto industry. Today, however, I’m tossing such formalities aside as I now write about something that is very...
Biden Abuses Authority to Combat Car Emissions
Friends and readers, if there’s one thing the mainstream media refuses to talk about on a consistent basis, it’s President Biden and the things he’s doing against the auto industry. Turn on any channel with a news program, and you’ll see them discussing budgeting, policymaking, all sorts of other nonsense, but you’ll never see images of the auto industry...
Auto Start-Ups Face Critical Name Shortage
The recent surge in the electric vehicle market has created a run on the valuable resources vital to the industry's growth. These include the expected technological building blocks––lithium ion batteries, microchips, and the like––but it's one of the less concrete components that has manufacturers scrambling to stake their claim. As new all-electric brands like Byton, Lordstown, Nio, and Rivian...
Kanye Hacks The Lemon To Sell Used Trucks
Editor’s note: While we had hoped to bring you an article on the 2022 Chevy Silverado 1500 ZR2, we regret to inform you that our website has been hacked by rapper/designer/professional jackass Kanye West, who has rewritten this piece in an effort to sell his own fleet of used vehicles. We hope to regain access to our website’s backend...
Climate Conference Has Brands Envisioning Greener Future
While largely devoid of any concrete changes or commitments on a governmental level, the recent COP26 climate conference has given some auto manufacturers a renewed interest in pursuing green initiatives. These brands have been hard at work in the R&D labs, busily envisioning a greener automotive future that drivers might soon see reflected on the lots of Kia dealers....
What Does “BMW” Mean?
We’ve all been there: one minute you’re trying to find the best deal on a used BMW, and the next moment you’re so deep into the Internet’s darkest layers of perversion that you’ve forgotten what the sun looks like. You’re wondering who you are, how you’ve gotten to this point, and how long it will take before federal agents...
