Astute readers of mine know three simple, inarguable truths: the universe is an unknowable and horrifying place, Santa Claus is based on the Norse god Odin, and aliens from other worlds not only exist but have visited our planet on numerous occasions. While I’ve spent plenty of time discussing the realities of alien existence with my friends at the Chevy dealership near me, we recently got into a rather heated debate about which Chevy truck they prefer. The fools trying to sell me on a new truck insisted that the Chevy Colorado was a favorite among our visitors from other worlds.
This sparked an argument that can only be described as, “I followed them home that night, broke into their garages, and [removed in accordance with The Patriot Act].” But that’s beside the point; the point is that they’re wrong. Wholly and clearly wrong, so wrong in fact that the full breadth of their error is no-doubt visible from space. The simple and clear answer is that the Silverado 1500 is the preferred Chevy truck of our extraterrestrial neighbors, and I can show you why.
Towing Power
In a lot of ways, our alien friends are very different from us: they breathe liquid argon, they typically eat 17 meals per day, and they smell a bit like gasoline. But in some ways, they are very much like us. In particular, they view trucks with an eye toward towing power, just like a lot of us do.
Look at it this way: the 2020 Chevy Colorado has a maximum towing capacity, if you equip it properly, of 7,700 lbs. That’s fine, sure, but the 2020 Silverado 1500 has maximum towing of up to 13,400 lbs. Not quite double, but pretty damn close and a substantial increase over the Colorado, that’s for sure.
However, aliens don’t simply judge towing capacity because they’re bored and have nothing else to do; they’re practical beings. The typical Hyflaxian jump ship, when properly outfitted, weighs about 9,470 lbs in our environment with our gravitational value. That means that if they crash or land and need to tow their jump ship (sure, there are other models out there, but the Hyflaxian ET-82 has been the top-selling jump ship since Klytosuss VIII reigned as the Adromedan Emperor, so it’s a safe one to consider), then the Colorado simply won’t do the trick.
Even if they tossed all extra cargo and emergency supplies aside, a Hyflaxian jump ship still typically weighs more than 7,500 lbs. Once you factor in the weight of a trailer to set it on – assuming their gravity drive is damaged, or they’re trying to save fuel – then there’s no chance. The last thing you want is to be stranded with a truck that can’t pull your jump ship behind it.
Payload Capacity
Sometimes you don’t want to tow your entire jump ship behind you, however, and that’s when payload comes into play. Let’s face it: loading a Hyflaxian vessel onto a trailer and driving down the highway is going to attract a lot of unwanted attention. It’s much easier to just remove a damaged part, slap it into the bed of your pickup, and hit the road without your entire ship there to alert local authorities to your presence.
Once again, the Silverado makes the most sense. You see, the Chevy Colorado has a maximum payload of 1,578 lbs. while the Silverado has a maximum payload of up to 2,250 lbs. That’s not a huge difference, but it is certainly significant. Fortunately, most of our alien visitors are fairly small and demure in size, so they don’t weigh much more than a 12-year old child. But they need to worry about more than just their own weight.
For example, consider the standard Brunlieg Gravity Drive that you’ll typically find powering a Hyflaxian jump ship. In our gravity, such a drive (when not powered, of course) weighs just over 1,500 lbs. So if you need to load one of those into the bed of a truck, then the Colorado is going to let you down, no matter how you have it equipped. Even with lighter components and other parts, it’s just not worth the risk of lacking the muscle needed to get things where they need to go.
Interior Cabin Space
Just like you and me, our alien guests like to have plenty of space inside a vehicle. Whether that means the luxurious sophistication of a Hyflaxian jump ship, the smooth curves of a Qordurant Cruiser, or the inside of a Chevy truck, it’s all the same to them. They might be diminutive in size, but they like to be able to stretch out. Plus, the lizard people of Orios VI have extremely sensitive skin, and skin-to-skin contact with each other is excruciating, so they demand plenty of room inside a truck.
The Colorado has two different cab sizes available. The base extended cab offers seating for just four beings (or two with the rear seat delete) and has 45 inches of legroom in the front but just 28 inches in the rear. The larger crew cab has seating for five and offers 45 inches of legroom up front and 35 inches for beings in the rear. By comparison, the Silverado has three different cab sizes available. They are:
- Regular Cab – 3 passengers – front legroom: 44 inches
- Double Cab – 6 passengers – front legroom: 44 inches, rear legroom: 35 inches
- Crew Cab – 6 passengers – front legroom: 43 inches, rear legroom: 43 inches
So, as you can see, while the Colorado does give you an inch more legroom in the front, the beings in the rear get about 9 inches more legroom in the Silverado. Plus, you can fit more bodies into the Chevy Silverado, making it a better overall option for most aliens.
The Bru’flexious Micro Mellafalorvum
All of this, of course, has ignored perhaps the most important reason that our alien friends prefer the Chevy Silverado: the bru’flexious micro mellafalorvum. First introduced for the 2003 model of the Silverado, the bru’flexious is well known for offering 30% more harblids per qlerz than any of the competing trucks on the market – and a full 73% more than the Chevy Colorado offers. While not every shopper is interested in the harblid count of a pickup, those that prefer a more relaxed intrapolated co-spholate tend to look for a greater qlerz-harblid quotient than shoppers purely focusing on recluvinids.
You might’ve noticed I haven’t even mentioned the mellafalorvum yet. Well, that’s not an oversight on my part; I was simply saving the best for last. The shocking truth is that the 2020 Chevy Colorado doesn’t even offer a mellafalorvum on any scale – even some of the competitor models at least have a macro or gargantua mellafalorvum. Only the 2020 Chevy Silverado offers a fully realized and vacuum-brolated mellafalorvum in the 1/8 micro scale. Not Ram, not Ford, not even Toyota has such a well perlixiated heemagorgis.
I think the evidence speaks for itself – aliens have every reason to prefer the Chevy Silverado over the Colorado. Do you see that Todd? You dumb bastard! Good luck with your [removed in accordance with The Patriot Act]. Von Gourdboddum, out!
Editor’s Note: Nothing we can see in the spec sheets for the 2020 Chevy Silverado indicate the presence of a bru’flexious micro mellafalorvum. We reached out to Chevrolet for clarification, and they notified us that while it is available on some trim levels, it is not a standard feature. So please keep that in mind while shopping. Thank you.
