You might not know this about me, gentle reader, but I’m a [regular human person] of refined tastes and exceptional demands when it comes to a vehicle. And yet, even though that’s definitely the case, I looked at all of my options and chose the 2023 Chevy Equinox as the one and only vehicle for me. Why would I, a [regular human person] living in [human town name], choose such a vehicle to make my own? Well, friend of mine, pause here a moment by my fire and let me tell you.
Reason #1 – The Cargo Space
The 2023 Chevy Equinox might be a small crossover SUV, but that doesn’t mean your dreams or the cargo space has to be small too. Get a load of this, my good and honest chum; the Equinox has folding 60/40 split-bench rear seating with hidden storage under the rear cargo floor. Even better than that, you get goddamn-near 64 cu.ft. of total cargo volume within this thing. Amazing right?
To fully appreciate all of that space, I want you to go outside and start digging up your backyard––don’t stop until you’ve got a big ol’ pile of dirt. Now take some of that dirt and compress it into a 12-inch by 12-inch cube; really pack it in there. I’ll wait. Now do this 63 more times until you have 64 one-foot cubes of dirt. See all that? You can fit almost all of those into the 2023 Equinox––one won’t fit, so you’ll just have to eat that one.
Reason #2 – The All-New RS Trim
I write about cars, so I’ve seen a lot of vehicles and their various trim levels and features. And I can say without a doubt that in my 47 years of writing-about-cars-and-seeing-a-lot-of-vehicles-and-their-various-trims career, the RS trim of the Equinox is the most RS of any of them. Seriously, it’s just an absolute RS of a trim. Of all the ones I’ve ever seen, this is the RS trim, without a doubt.
Reason #3 – The Low Starting Price
The 2023 Equinox starts at just $26,600 MSRP. Do you have any idea how low that is? To fully appreciate what a low starting price this is, I want you to go to your bank and withdraw $26,600 in one-dollar bills, then take it home and pile it up in your backyard––don’t stop until you’ve got a big ol’ pile of money. Now take some of that cash and compress it into a 12-inch by 12-inch cube; really pack it in there. I’ll wait. Now, do this many more times until you’ve turned all of your money into one-foot cubes of cash… See all that? You can use that to buy yourself a 2023 Equinox––you can probably talk them down at the dealership since you’re paying in cash cubes, so you’ll just have to eat the extra ones.
Reason #4 – [regular human reason]
With the Equinox being what it is, there’s never been a better time for it to be just what it’s always been while also growing and moving forward into a new and superior form. One that we can all agree is still what we’ve been looking for amidst a flurry of chaos and disarray, making it one of the, if not the (and I’d not hesitate to quickly argue, indeed, with loud sounds and exhausted breaths that yes that’s so) most one that I think we’ve ever seen, and that’s no exaggeration. The evidence is clear as day and with its precise and bold, yes, with roads being what they are these days, gas prices too, of course, and further points to admonish; therefore, you deserve one that is and has been what was, so do!
Reason #5 – The High-Pitch Sound
Have you ever been watching TV or a movie, or perhaps sitting quietly while reading, and noticed a sudden high-pitch sound in one ear? It grows louder and rings on for a few moments, then it fades away and disappears––this happens every so often, perhaps once a week or two, and you can never really explain it, right? That’s the 2023 Chevy Equinox! It’s been with you, in your heart, all this time. Pretty sweet.
Editor’s Note: The first editor we assigned to this article resigned halfway through and refused to go on; the second chose self-immolation in protest rather than dealing with this writer. As editor-in-chief, I could certainly read it, but I’ve hired all of these other editors so that I DON’T HAVE TO! As such, I politely refuse and will assume it’s good or at least coherent. Thank you.