Reassuring myself that I have at least one reader (aside from my Editor) you may have seen my recent expose, comparing the 2017 Honda CR-V vs the 2017 Ford Edge. No sooner had I choked down my vomit and embraced the epiphany that I’m just not a “Crossover / SUV Guy,” I was asked to compare the 2017 Nissan Rogue vs 2017 Chevy Equinox. (Why, oh why haven’t they learned?)
Buckle up kids…get ready for the shit-show.
I should probably warn you up-front that I will be comparing each vehicle objectively, based on extremely technical criteria that may be difficult for the lay-person to understand. By “extremely technical criteria” I mean “arbitrary nonsense” and by “lay-person” I mean “wet blankets who can’t appreciate sarcasm.”
Bottom-line: if you’re looking for an ACTUAL comparison, you’ll want to click the back arrow in the upper left-hand corner of your screen.
Exterior Design
I’m just going to say it, aside from the distinctive front-end design, the 2017 Nissan Rogue and 2017 Chevy Equinox could pass as twins. Fraternal? Identical? Okay, you’re over-thinking this. I suppose that the Olsen Twins would be the best point of comparison.
To be clear, I’m not talking about the Full House era, or even the 20-ish Olsen Twins that had grown men counting down to their 21st birthday in the creepiest way possible. I’m talking about today’s Olsen Twins that resemble each other “just enough”.
Out of respect, I’ll avoid front-end comparisons of Mary-Kate and Ashley. My point is how do you tell one Olsen Twin from another? The details. The Rogue and Equinox can be viewed in a similar fashion; cover up the emblems and grille design and you’ve minimized the overall difference in body design. You have to focus on the fine details. That said, the Equinox has a more full-bodied design while the Rogue is more diminutive. It’s not so much smaller that you’re concerned it may be battling an amphetamine addiction but, who knows? (After all, Nissan’s heavily stylized front-end is not dissimilar from raccoon-like eye make-up).
So, if the Nissan Rogue is Mary-Kate, and the Chevy Equinox is Ashley, which do you choose? Easy. Their sister Elizabeth (from the Avengers movies) making this round a “draw.”
(0:0)
Performance
With Crossover / SUV being such an oversaturated vehicle class, the traditional sports-utility vehicle has given way to more watered-down family carriers. Don’t get me wrong, I want the stick figure family on your rear-window to get safely back and forth from WholeFoods as much as the next guy. But how do the Nissan Rogue and Chevy Equinox perform in extreme conditions? I offer the following scenario:
You need to make a hasty escape from a Celine Dion concert that you were tricked into attending (surprise!) on your second date with a girl. Just as that damn Canadian version of ALF starts to sing the song from Titanic, you start scanning the venue for exit signs. Even worse, your companion for the evening is starting her 2nd plastic glass of cheap White Zin when you realize it: she’s got “crazy eyes.” WTF? As you start fumbling for your car keys, you remember that it’s just a second date, and that her heart will go on. You break from your seat, pass the yellow-shirted security guards, through the auditorium and escape into the parking garage. Fearing that any hesitation by the parking attendant will result in ‘ol Crazy Eyes running after you like the evil Terminator, you hand him your ticket and drop your foot to the floor.
The good news: your date is still inside, wishing Leonardo DiCaprio would paint her like one of his French girls. The bad news: whether you’re driving a base model Rogue or Equinox, you’re rocking a 2.5-liter 4-cylinder, so there’s no clear winner. Another Draw? (0:0)
Model Name
What’s in a name? I’ll tell you what’s in a name…everything.
A “rogue” is defined as “a dishonest or unprincipled man; a rascal: a scoundrel,” and while that may seem like it would have a negative connotation, you need to remember one thing:
Han Solo was a rogue.
That’s right, Han-friggin’-Solo. I don’t care how badass you think you are (even after running out on that poor girl at the Celine Dion concert) but you didn’t make the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs. The fact is, if you gave that girl the benefit of the doubt and she told you down the road that “she loved you” you’d probably say, “I love you too.” Han Solo wouldn’t. He’d say, “I know” like a pimp, and smirk as they dropped him down into the carbonate freezing process. Bottom-line: your life could use a little “Rogue” infusion.
In stark contrast, “equinox” is defined as “the time or date twice a year when the sun crosses the celestial equator…” Seriously I’m just going to stop here. Aside from my fear that I’ll fall asleep if I have to say the word ‘vernal’ if I keep reading, the Chevy Equinox will never sound as badass as the Nissan Rogue. So, with all credit due to the awesomeness that is Harrison Ford, the Rogue shoots first and takes this round (1:0 Nissan).
Storage
Finally, as with so many decisions in life, we find ourselves looking to beer for the answer.
In a side-by-side comparison, the design of the 2017 Nissan Rogue creates more storage space than is offered by the Chevy Express. More space = more beer. Don’t laugh, that’s science (or maybe math, I guess). But either way, it’s enough to declare the 2017 Nissan Rogue the winner.
