2022 Chevy Bolt EUV: Apathy, thy name is Chevy

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An apathetic looking man is being handed a set of keys to a 2022 Chevy Bolt EUV.

A new electric vehicle from Chevy seems to be about as desired as a pudding-y fart in an overcrowded city bus…but here we are. Do you like driving a car with all the sex appeal of a soggy cardboard box half-filled with expired pancake batter? Do you love the thrill of the hunt as you try and pick your car out of the local grocery store parking lot and finding it blends in with every other mid-range, milk toast blob on wheels? Do you enjoy all of that while also not using any fuel? The new 2022 Chevy Bolt EUV is just the car for you!

That’s right, folks, you can now have all the practicality of a Tesla without all that troublesome pussy.

When it comes to Chevy, if you’re not buying a truck or a Camaro, you’re probably the type of person who really doesn’t care about cars, and that’s perfectly okay because Chevy doesn’t seem to care about giving you anything more than that––a car. Do you want “A Car” and want to stick with a domestic automaker? Chevy has your back with such sterling examples as the checks notes Malibu? Does anyone still buy these? Well, if you want “A Car” and want it to be electric for some reason, consider the Chevy EUV. It’s larger than the smaller Bolt, and that’s about it. Oh sure, it’s got a unique grille design that looks like someone stretched a piece of fabric over the unused air intake and other amazing design features that I could probably list here (given a week and a team of MIT researchers).

Chevy has made a commitment to making the world a better place, and there are rumors that they will use all new recycled materials in the EUV, such as seat cushioning made from crumpled up newspapers and cabin plastics made from old Fisher Price Cozy Coupes. Lucky for buyers, the seats were so uncomfortable and the plastics so cheap in the original Bolt, most people won’t be able to tell the difference!

Safety is incredibly important in the new EUV, and that’s why Chevy offers features like Lane Keep Assist, Follow Distance Warning, and Blind Spot Monitoring. For those of us that don’t have enough electronic devices constantly making noise around us, these features will prove an invaluable asset to aspiring EDM artists everywhere. The background hum of an electric motor mixed with the never-ending beeping from your car that is always monitoring your every slightest move can be overlaid with any number of hip dance beats.

Also, let’s not forget Super Cruise! This amazing technology allows your car to drive itself on as long as it’s on a road that is compatible with it. That’s right, with just the push of a button, you can take your hands off the controls and…stare at the road. That’s right, if you thought you could do something other than look at the road with your hands in your lap, think again. If the camera that watches you as you drive thinks you’re looking away for too long, it will force you to take over manual control. The future is here with Super Cruise, and you’d better sit there politely and watch it go by.

The Chevy EUV. The styling is bland, the interior is cheap and uncomfortable (if the standard Bolt is anything to go by), and the safety features are nothing to write home about, especially because they can be found in just about any modern car made in the last five years. If you’re looking for a car, and nothing more, you might just find yourself in a Chevy Bolt EUV.

Let me be the first to say: I’m sorry.

A worried man is shown looking down at his cell phone.

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